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Zoë
Uh! My head! What happened?
Torg
You passed out at the party. I carried you home. You got pretty sick...
Zoë
Oh, I feel miserable... Wait! I remember something.
Zoë
There was this studly guy there, I remember kissing him, but nothing else happened, right?
Torg
Tell me again how studly he was.
Zoë
Oh god!
Zoë
Oh ick!
Torg
All right, so you got drunk and kissed me. It's not like the end of the world. Nothing happened! We're still friends! By the way, thanks for the "Oh ick". That was a real boost to my self-esteem.
Zoë
You're right, Torg. I'm sorry. This can be our secret, right?
Bun-Bun
Wait until she sees the polaroids!
Riff
Shhhh!
Sam
Torg kissed Zoë, right in front of me! In my house! Torg will have to be dealt with.
Kiki
Noooo Sam! Don't plan Torg's death! I can't bear to think of you as evil! Stay good Sam! Stay good!
Sam
I'm not gonna kill him, Kiki! I'm going to set him up on a blind date...
Kiki
Yes! A date! Torg will be happy, you will be free to chase after Zoë, everyone wins! And you stay good!
Sam
...A date with someone I met on the internet!
Kiki
Noooo Sam! Don't plan Torg's death! Stay good, Sam!
Torg
Hey, guess what? I got a date! Sam fixed me up with a friend he met on the internet. Her name is Megababe549, and she is a smart, funny voluptuous...
Riff
A blind date with someone from the internet?
Torg
What, you think she's going to turn out to be a homicidal maniac?
Riff
I'm still working on the "she" part.
Zoë
Hey guys! What's the game plan for tonight?
Riff
I got a date with Gwynn!
Zoë
My friend from work?
Riff
Yeah, we were talking a bit at the party. We're going out for food and a movie.
Torg
And I got a blind date with a blonde bombshell!
Zoë
Errr... Aah... ... I got a date too!
Torg
Really? With who?
Zoë
Coors....corrrr.... Corey! A new guy at work!
Zoë
I checked. There is no "Corey" working there. Um... He works under the table.
Zoë
Hey, I want to meet Corey! Want to double-date? He's...shy.
Zoë
You got a picture of him? They were stolen!
Zoë
Why did I just lie? Now I have to keep up this charade! I'm stuck in Jan-Brady-sitcom-hell!
Riff
Well, have fun, Zoë! I gotta pick up Gwynn!
Torg
I gotta get ready!
Zoë
It's good thing nobody gives a crap, or that could have been humiliating.
Bun-Bun
Hey Zoë, I got a date too. Her name is "A1 Steak Sauce!"
Zoë
Oh, go to hell!
Torg
Waiter, my blind-date hasn't arrived yet. Let me know when she does. She is a beautiful tall blonde.
Megababe549
Hi Torg! I'm your date!
Sparky
For tonight's wine, might I suggest a bottle of whiskey and a small handgun?
Torg
Sounds fine.
Torg
So, "Megababe549," I must say you are different than I had expected. Different than you described yourself on the internet.
Megababe549
I know. I lied a bit, but everyone does. I hope you are not disappointed!
Megababe549
How could you tell I wasn't really a masseuse?
Torg
The hook-for-a-hand was my first clue.
Torg
This is either an escaped convict in a wig, Sammy Hagar in a dress, or the ugliest woman I've ever seen. There's only one way to find out.
Torg
That dress makes you look fat.
Megababe549
Boohoohoohoo
Torg
Okay, I've narrowed it down to either Sammy Hagar in a dress or the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
Torg
This is the last blind date I go on. Well, what are you going to do Torg? Make a run for it? Might as well stay through dinner. It can't get any worse.
Megababe549
This wine is going straight to my head! Hee hee! My inhibitions are disappearing, cutie!
Torg
On you mark..., get set...,
Megababe549
You were in the bathroom for so long, I thought you were trying to sneak out on our date, cutie!
Torg
Don't be silly! Besides, the bathroom doesn't have any windows...
Torg
...Or employee entrances, or air-ducts, or crawl-spaces. No forms of escape whatsoever.
Torg
Beep beep!
Torg
Oh, that's my beeper! Sorry, I have to cut this date short! The President needs me at the United Nations!
Megababe549
That's not a beeper, that's a hard-roll, and you're making those beeping noises!
Torg
I don't know what you're talking about!
Torg
Beep beep!
Torg
My god! It's the hospital! I'm needed in surgery!
Megababe549
You try to stick me with the check and you'll wind up in surgery, cutie!
Gwynn
Riff is so confident and quiet! What is he thinking about? Is he studying me? I wonder what deep thoughts are brewing behind those shades!
Riff
Buhd-wei-zer Buhd-wei-zer
Torg
Well, "Megababe549", I've had a great time, but I must be off. I'll call you.
Megababe549
I didn't give you my number.
Torg
I'll look it up.
Megababe549
I'm unlisted!
Torg
I'll wing it.
Megababe549
You're not going to call are you?
Torg
I have no response for that question.
Megababe549
That's just like a man! You take what you want, and leave!
Torg
I took you out, I paid the bill, I listened to you all night. What the hell did I take from you?
Megababe549
You're right, Torg. You deserve a goodnight kiss!
Torg
Eep!
Torg
Y'know, I never thought I would be so thrilled to be devoured by a hideous alien!
Aylee
I can't do it! I can't eat you.
Torg
The dandruff shampoo again?
Aylee
That too.
Aylee
Bleck!
Aylee
You have to help me Torg! I can't survive in this dimension!
Torg
You seem to be doing ok.
Aylee
Sure I can eat people, but let's face it, I've got no marketable skills!
Torg
You want a job?
Aylee
And a driver's license. Without photo ID you can't do jack around here!
Torg
So, how'd the date go with Gwynn?
Riff
Not sure. I woke up and she was gone.
Torg
All right! Way to go man!
Riff
No, I fell asleep in the restaurant.
Riff
How did your blind date go?
Torg
She got eaten by the alien.
Riff
All right! Way to go man!
Riff
...Oh, you meant that literally.
Torg
How the hell did you think I meant it?
Riff
Not sure, didn't really think about it too much, but it sounded dirty!!
Riff
So, the alien we accidentally released into our dimension while returning from an alternate future via my dimensional flux agitator has returned in search of employment to find some significance to its existence in modern America, so you hired it to be (gasp, inhale) your secretary?
Torg
Nice recap! Almost all in one breath.
Riff
Can I try that again?
Torg
Go for it!
Riff
(Gasp) So, the alien we accidentally released into our dimension....
Aylee
Um, Torg, sorry to disturb you, but there is a Mr. Riff here to see you.
Torg
Show him in, Aylee.
Riff
How's "Aylee" working out? I brought a laser-cannon, just in case.
Torg
So far so good. She's pleasant on the phones and types 75 words a minute...
Torg
But she goes through equipment like a tornado in a trailer park.
Aylee
Um, Torg? It happened again.
Gwynn
Zoë, I need your advice. I am sick of being blind as a bat on dates. They just came out with contact lenses for people with my prescription, but I'm not sure I like how they look!
Zoë
Give it a shot. They have to look better than those bottle-cap lenses.
Gwynn
I'll try them on new!
Zoë
You look cute, in a Speed Racer kinda way.
Gwynn
They're giving me a headache.
Riff
I gotta be honest, Zoë, I don't like the idea of Torg keeping that alien as a secretary. It doesn't belong in this world.
Zoë
Yeah, I get that idea.
Zoë
Are you really going to kill the alien with that laser cannon?
Riff
What this?
Riff
Naw, my mom said she might stop by.
Torg
Aylee, any word from Mr. Mindo? He's supposed to drop off a payment today.
Aylee
Ho sir, haven't heard from him.
Torg
Them why are there bits and pieces of him on the kitchen floor?
Aylee
eep.
Torg
You ate another client!
Aylee
I'm sorry!
Torg
Do I spray you with the water bottle or rub your nose in it?
Aylee
It'll never happen again!
Bun-Bun
Listen up, Aylee! My name is Bun-Bun and I run this place. I hear you'll be staying with us for a while, so you best learn the two thousand and one house rules.
Bun-Bun
It's pretty simple. All the rules stem from one basic principle. Bun-Bun is god here. So don't bug me unless there is something in it for me. You got that, zucchini-face?
Aylee
Lunch!
Bun-Bun
No thanks, I just ate. Good move offering, though. I think you are going to work out just fine.
Torg
You ate Bun-Bun!
Torg
You ate Bun-Bun!
Aylee
I'm sorry! You never said anything about...
Torg
You ate Bun-Bun!
Aylee
Wait... Was it good or bad?
Torg
El muncho rabbito!
Aylee
I'm getting mixed signals here!
Torg
I can't believe you ate Bun-Bun! My pet bunny is gone! This has seriously jeopardized your job here! I ...
Aylee
Gak! Uggggh...
Aylee
Ahhhhh!
Torg
Well isn't that ironic?
Bun-Bun
You are so dead, zucchini-face.
Aylee
Medic!
Torg
All right you guys. Chill out! Back off!
Torg
I don't think I'm strong enough to hold this alien back!
Torg
Of course, the alien wasn't my main concern...
Torg
Mrs. Conner? I'm going to be a little late with the HTML presentation...
Torg
Technical problems. My computer had a fatal crash.
Torg
Don't worry, the important files were backed up on a tape drive that just flew over my head...
Torg
Hey, do you think you could delay that international meeting a month or so?
Riff
Torg! Torg!
Torg
What?
Riff
Sorry man! We heard all the commotion down here and thought the alien had bugged out! I thought you were toast, buddy!
Torg
Well, Aylee and Bun-Bun are having a spat.
Riff
5 bucks on the alien.
Torg
I'll take some of that action!
Zoë
You guys are so immature.
Zoë
And I got 10 on BUn-Bun.
Zoë
Mom! I can't talk right now! ...No mom, I have not been corrupted by the "big city!" ...No, mom, I am not on drugs.
Zoë
All right, I'll tell you! I'm trapped in a room where an alien and a rabbit with high explosives are trying to kill each other!
Zoë
No rehab mom!
Zoë
I am not on drugs!!!
Narr
6:00 pm
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7:00 pm
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8:00 pm
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9:00 pm
Narr
10:00 pm
Narr
11:00 pm
Bun-Bun
Sorry for cutting off your arm.
Aylee
S'no problem. I'll regenerate a new one overnight.
Bun-Bun
That's cool. Torg always cries when I cut bits and pieces out of him.
Aylee
What a wuss.
Riff
Wow, Aylee and Bun-Bun sure trashed your place. Sorry man.
Torg
It's ok. New equipment and furniture are on the way.
Riff
The insurance company will cover this? How'd you manage that?
Torg
I sent Aylee to talk to my agent.
Anon
Process the Torg claim now, dammit, now!!!
Dr. Lorna
Bigs news, Lorna-listeners! I have just been named headliner at the Killington Psychotherapy Seminar! And back to out calls. Hello, Jeff.
Jeff
Hi, Dr. Lorna. I called to respectfully question your method of "helping" the people who call your show.
Dr. Lorna
Have you ever been a headliner at a seminar, Jeff?
Jeff
No, but...
Dr. Lorna
Then I think I am better qualified to judge your life than you are!
Jeff
But...
Dr. Lorna
And I judge you to be a wife-beater! Next caller. Hi, Kim!
Kim
Hi Dr. Lorna! Can you believe the nerve of that wife-beater criticizing you?
Dr. Lorna
Zoë, Gwynn, good news! I'm the headliner for a psychotherapy seminar in Vermont!
Gwynn
That's great, Dr. Lorna! Should I set up "The Best of Doctor Lorna" for while you are gone?
Dr. Lorna
Nonsense, leave that for the new intern. You two ladies are coming with me! You are both perfect examples of strongly grounded women of the nineties!
Dr. Lorna
And if I run out of material, I can psychoanalyze them in front of the audience.
Dr. Lorna
Riff, this is your biological mom, Dr. Lorna. I want you to come with me to Vermont. There is a seminar and a big party with my investors afterwards. I want to show you off!
Riff
"Biological mom", don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather have my eyelids ripped off and be forced to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate with my hands tied.
Dr. Lorna
First class plane tickets and a ski-weekend at Killington? Bring a friend?
Riff
Thanks, mom! I'll be sure to remember this next biological mother's day!
Zoë
Check it out! Dr. Lorna is flying me free to Vermont to attend a seminar!
Riff
Yeah, me and Torg are going too! My mom wants me to go to some investor-party after her seminar, and said to bring a friend. We're going first class!
Zoë
First class? And I have to fly in coach?
Riff
Actually, it says you are flying in baggage.
Torg
Aylee, hold down the fort. I am heading out to Vermont for a few days.
Aylee
Any special instructions while you are gone?
Torg
Don't eat any clients.
Aylee
Do you mean any other clients, or does that include the one I'm currently digesting?
Torg
Not funny, Aylee.
Zoë
Kiki! Get out of my shirt! Why the hell do these animals have to come?
Torg
They wanted to come. You know how persuasive Bun-Bun can be.
Zoë
Then why do i have to keep them with in coach? It's cramped as it is!
Torg
Smelly animals, with us, in first class?
Riff
Someone might see us!
Zoë
Smelly? You ever smell yourself, nerd-boy?
Bun-Bun
What the hell is that? Is that supposed to be food?
Torg
How was the trip, Kiki?
Kiki
It was terrible! I had to spend the trip as a carry-on bag under a seat! It's sooo messy down there!
Torg
Where's Zoë?
Bun-Bun
I got fed up with the lack of room and stuffed her in an overhead compartment.
Riff
No, Bun-Bun, where is she now?
Anon
Please find your seats quickly, so we can leave for Seattle on time, and thanks for flying Hopeful Airlines.
Zoë
Help! Lemme out!
Narr
We interrupt your regularly scheduled comic for this late breaking news!
Stone Johnson
Stone Johnson here. We have just received word that news is breaking on the set of Sluggy Freelance. We are not sure what the news is at this time, but we wanted to beat the other networks to it. I'm sure we will have more information any moment.
Stone Johnson
Well, while we are waiting, let's speculate wildly. Is Torg forming a cult? Is Riff a lesbian in a man's body? And what happened to that annoying "Sam" character? Foul play?
Narr
We continue our coverage of
Stone Johnson
We now have the facts. The comic strip star, Bun-Bun the mini-lop is accused of having an affair with an intern, Cinny-Bun, in exchange for a cameo in the comic reporting live is correspondent, Qwirky Waltons. Hello Qwirky.
Qwirky Waltons
Hi Stone! This is the scene where the alleged horrid affair too place. Bun-Bun has given no comment, but Torg said the following in a press release only moments ago.
Torg
Bun-Bun? An affair? I don't know. I'll go ask him!
Qwirky Waltons
Notice how Torg shrewdly deflected the question, Stone!
Stone Johnson
Good point Qwirky, is it true that Bun-Bun'spopularity has dropped 50%?
Qwirky Waltons
True Stone. Two people used to read Sluggy Freelance. Now only one does. In percentage terms, that is devastating for te comic.
Stone Johnson
The scenes you just saw starred Bun-Bun and intern Cinny-Bun. Never before has an intern been allowed to appear in the comic. Why an exception for Cinny-Bun? Why indeed. Let's go live to get answers to these questions.
Qwirky Waltons
Bun-Bun, is it true you had an affair with intern Cinny-Bun in exchange for a position in the comic?
Bun-Bun
I can honestly say that I am not having sex with Cinny-Bun at this moment while we are having this conversation!
Qwirky Waltons
So you are saying you never had an affair with Cinny-Bun?
Bun-Bun
I think my answer was quite clear on the issue.
Qwirky Waltons
Bun-Bun, did you or did you not have an affair with Cinny-Bun? It is a yes or no question.
Bun-Bun
Qwirky, I've wasted enough time with this. I have to go back to doing my comic, the fans are depending on me!
Qwirky Waltons
Bun-Bun, is it true that you answer every question in such a way that you always have a loophole to escape through?
Bun-Bun
Uhm... No?
Stone Johnson
You heard it here, folks. Bun-Bun is clearly denying all allegations of hte affair. Boy, he sure looked hopping-mad, didn't he!
Stone Johnson
There has been no news on the affair we are now calling "Bunny-Gate" so we have to fill space. Who is Cinny-Bun? What is she about? Well, we have called and harassed everyone Cinny-Bun has ever known, to see if someone would badmouth her in exchange for airtime. We came up with this fellow student who saw Cinny once across a crowded classroom.
Anon
Yeah, well, Cinny was a party girl. I mean, we are rabbits. We do see a lot of action.
Stone Johnson
Breaking story! Cinny-Bun is a man-chasing-evil-woman!
Qwirky Waltons
She's a slut if I ever saw one, Stone!
Stone Johnson
Hello. I'm Stone Johson.
Qwirky Waltons
And I'm Qwirky Waltons.
Qwirky Waltons
According to a Nifty News 50 poll, 95% of Americans think Cinny-Bun is a loose cannon trying to ruin Bun-Bun for personal gain. This poll has an error factor of only 1%
Stone Johnson
Incredible Qwirky!
Anon 1
Thanks for participating in our poll. "Do you think that Cinny-Bun is a loose cannon trying to ruin Bun-Bun for personal gain? Or do you think Cinny is larger in seze than godzilla?
Anon 2
Well, rabbits are small, right?
Anon 1
Check. Next question. "Do you feel morals hoave no place in a comic strip as long as it is funny? Or are you currently shooting blood from your eye-sockets?"
Stone Johnson
Welcome to our coverage of Bunnygate, I'm Stone Johnson. Allegations about the powerful comic-mogul, Bun-Bun the mini-lop, and intern Cinny-Bun having an affair in exchange for power has rocked the comic strip world!
Stone Johnson
First came Bun-Bun's irrefutable denial!
Qwirky Waltons
Bun-Bun! Yes or no! Did you have an affair? Did you?
Bun-Bun
You know the answer!
Qwirky Waltons
I don't! That's why I'm asking!
Bun-Bun
I gotta go pee.
Stone Johnson
And then... Well, I guess not much has happened since then. Stay tuned!
Stone Johnson
This just in! The cast of Sluggy Freelance has gone to war with Dilbert! We take you live to Qwirky Waltons in the field.
Qwirky Waltons
Riff! Is it true you are all trying to obfuscate the affair and scandal by going to war?
Riff
Naw, Dilbert just really ticks us off!
Qwirky Waltons
Torg! Is this just a ploy to boost Bun-Bun's rating?
Torg
Hadn't thought of that. Bonus!
Anon 1
Oh my god! They killed Dogbert!
Anon 2
You bastards!
Stone Johnson
So far the death-toll in Operation Dead-bert now includes Dogbert, Ratbert, Tigerbert, and Chupacbrabert. And Bun-Bun is way up in the polls, totally validating this war, right Qwirky?
Qwirky Waltons
Stone! The battle is over! Bun-Bun has defeated Dilbert!
Qwirky Waltons
Are you seeing this, Stone?
Qwirky Waltons
Torg, your comic is victorious. Any words?
Torg
Yes, well, Qwirky...
Qwirky Waltons
Oh damn! I gotta run! Just heard a rumor that the Spice Girls are breaking up!
Narr
This concludes our coverage of this ol' crisis. We now return you to your regularly scheduled comic, and check you local news stations for:
Anon
Bla bla bla, yada yada yada!
Zoë
'Scuse me.
Zoë
Coming through!
Zoë
Remind me to thank Bun-Bun for locking me in the overhead compartment. I was almost stuck on a flight to Seattle...
Torg
Shhhh!
Riff
Shhhh! The seminar is starting!
Zoë
Fine, then I won't tell you that our return tickets are still on the flight to Seattle.
Anon
The Killington psychotherapy seminar proudly welcomes... Dr. Lorna!
Dr. Lorna
Thank you, one and all! I love my fans. If you all weren't drooling perverted insensitive clods, I'd be out of a job.
Dr. Lorna
Why are they laughing? That wasn't a joke! Are they laughing at me? How dare the worms!
Dr. Lorna
The principle behind my therapy is quite simple.
Dr. Lorna
This is the world, and this is you.
Dr. Lorna
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..."
Dr. Lorna
Any questions?
Anon 1
Now we will take questions from the audience.
Anon 2
Dr. Lorna, your book has ten points to deal with all of our problems. Why ten? Did you leave out vital points or stretch to make up points to reach an even number of ten?
Dr. Lorna
My thesaurus only had ten versions of the word loser!
Narr
The questions continue...
Anon 1
Dr. Lorna, why do you compartmentalize the problems of the human condition when there is an overall solution? Isn't a lack of clear communication the actual problem that you separate into overly specific subgroups?
Dr. Lorna
The overall solution is you are all wrong and I am right! You have a lot of promiscuous sex, don't you!
Anon 2
You tell her, Lorna.
Anon 3
Slut!
Anon 4
I thought she sounded like a trollop!
Anon 5
Kill the hussy!
Kiki
Oh, a Valentine's Day card! Let me see!
Kiki
You're lucky! I didn't get any Valentine's Day cards!
Zoë
I think I'm in love.
Kiki
Gangway!
Zoë
Watch it!
Torg
Hi folks! I wanted to let you all know about the importance of safe skiiing.
Torg
This is one reason we are not going to be making light of the tragedies that have affected this ski season.
Kiki
Look out!
Torg
Saferty, respect...
Torg
... and humor in good-taste. That's our comic!
Kiki
Medic!
Zoë
Ahh! This is the life!
Torg
Where are the animals?
Riff
Who cares?
Zoë
Riff, weren't you supposed to be at your mom's investor-party tonight?
Dr. Lorna
Riff, you seem so quiet tonight. Is something wrong?
Kiki
Bun-Bun, you're needed up top!
Bun-Bun
Let's get this food loaded!
Dr. Lorna
George, I'd like you to meet my son, Riff.
George
Pleased to meet you. Your mom is quite a lady!
Bun-Bun
Howdy, sir! I'll be shaking your hand any moment now.
Bun-Bun
Any moment.
Kiki
Can't work the arm! Food jammed in the gears!
Kiki
Oops!
Dr. Lorna
Riff! You have to stop doing that!
Bun-Bun
Kiki, toss me up one of those ding-dongs.
Gwynn
There you are, Riff! Can I talk to you a second?
Kiki
A burner under a chaffing tray just tipped! We're on fire!
Gwynn
It's about that date we had a few weeks ago...
Gwynn
Hey! Are you even listening to me?
Kiki
Help! Help! Let me out!
Gwynn
I don't know how you did that, but I don't think it's cute or funny. Call me when you grow up.
Bun-Bun
cough cough
Kiki
Help!
Riff
What the hell happened at that party? My mom has disowned me and won't speak to me!
Kiki
Riff, I don't understand! Everything went fine! Nobody knew we were being you at the party while you went skiing!
Bun-Bun
Yeah, it went fine until Kiki got drunk and popped out the front of the "trojan-Riff" in front of Lorna's chief investor's wife.
Riff
Well, I am humiliated, but thatnks for the "disowning" stuff.
Kiki
No prob!
Zoë
Thanks Riff. Now my job is going to be hell. Lorna just yelled at me for no reason. It's like she blames me for ruining her party.
Riff
Get used to it. She always finds someone to blame. Oh lord, but she'd never blame herself.
Zoë
Why should she blame herself? You're the one that told those animals to...
Riff
It's all her fault!
Torg
Let me get this straight.
Torg
You, Bun-Bun, stuffed Zoë in the overhead compartment on the way to Vermont. Zoë, left our return tickets in that compartment, on a plane that flew to Seattle.
Torg
You, Riff had Bun-Bun and Kiki cover for you at Dr. Lorna's party, which ended in a fiasco. And you, Kiki, caused that fiasco so Dr. Lorna will have nothing more to do with us, let alone fly us home.
Riff
What's your point?
Torg
For once, I didn't screw anything up!
Zoë
You left the toilet seat up.
Zoë
Look, I am stressed out, and need some sleep. Torg, take my credit card and order us return tickets. You guys can pay me back when we get home.
Riff
Y'know, it really sucks that Zoë had to fly in coach.
Torg
Hey, what can you do? Her card maxed out and someone had to ride coach.
Bun-Bun
Ok, which one of you two gets shoved in the overhead compartment this time?
Zoë
They are going to die slow and painfully. They are going to die.
Gwynn
Those jerks used your money to get first class tickets and stuck you in coach?
Zoë
They paid me back and agreed to paint my apartment! Not a bad deal.
Riff
I'm done with the bedroom Torg...
Riff
Wow!
Torg
My masterpiece!
Torg
I got inspired. Do you think she'll like it?
Riff
I'll go stand on the other side of the room now.
Zoë
Hi guys! I'm ba...
Torg
Hi Zoë! What do you think?
Torg
Wow! I didn't think you would be speechless over it! Don't worry about the window being in the way! I painted over the blinds!
Zoë
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Torg
That's gratitude for you. I hope she at least appreciates what I did in the bathroom.
Riff
What was that?
Torg
I did a painting of Rodin's "The Kiss" on the ceiling. I even used pictures of her parents as reference for a personal touch. I got inspired!
Zoë
Aaaaah!
Riff
I think you need to think more before acting on your inspirations.
Torg
I think paint-fumes just go straight to my brain.
Torg
What's on the schedule today Aylee?
Aylee
A marketing firm wants to automate their entire business on the web! Billing, inventory, the works, for premium pay! I told them it would be up by Wednesday!
Torg
That's only a couple of days!
Aylee
I calculate about 52 hours of work and you should be done just under the wire.
Aylee
Oh! Sleep! I keep forgetting you humans need sleep!
Bun-Bun
This is almost as funny as when she forgot humans need air!
Aylee
You've been working all night, Torg! Can I get you something?
Torg
I am hungry, Aylee.
Aylee
I'll order a pizza-man.
Torg
A pizza! Not a pizza-man!
Torg
Geez, Aylee, we're running out of places that will deliver here!
Aylee
The site is great Torg! The clients love it!
Torg
Me sleep now...
Bun-Bun
Hey Torg, can I borrow your 1973 G.I. Joe Doll? I want to smash some golf balls with it.
Torg
Surenoproblem...
Aylee
Torg, you promised to teach me to drive! Can we do it now?
Torg
I'll get my keys...
Aylee
I don't know why humans waste time with sleep! They are so much cooler without it!
Bun-Bun
Fore!
Aylee
So! This is your car.
Aylee
I guess I pictured you driving something a little more sportier.
Torg
Hey! This car is a classic!
Aylee
Ah, you mean like the "Budget Gourmet Classics" you have in the freezer?
Torg
Unfortunately, yes.
Torg
Yawn.
Torg
Ok, Aylee, safe driving is everyone's responsibility. That pedal on the left is the gas. Next to it is the brake. The first thing we need to...
Anon
Ahh!
Aylee
So, I'm a pretty good driver, huh!
Torg
All that death and destruction...
Aylee
I've been practicing with that driving simulator you have on your computer!
Torg
"Carmageddon", right?
Aylee
Where's the automatic-repair button? How many people do I have to run-over before we get wall-climbing ability?
Muldy
Morning, Kruller.
Kruller
Morning Muldy. What's so important it couldn't wait?
Muldy
We're heading to Jersey. Two hours ago, a car went speeding through a heavily populated area, crashing into other cars and people with no regard for life.
Kruller
Sounds like something for the local police. What aren't you telling me, Muldy?
Muldy
A kid at the scene managed to snap a few pictures of the driver.
Muldy
3 people dead, 17 wounded and 40 car-wrecks. All caused in a matter of minutes by a driver that looks like it just dropped out of a Gieger painting. And you aren't curious?
Kruller
What? Aliens subjugating the earth to reckless driving? It's obviously some maniac in a suit. What do you think?
Muldy
What if it is an alien, and it's not on a joy ride? What if it was trying to escape pursuit?
Kruller
Escape from what Muldy? According to the report, there were no cars chasing this one.
Muldy
What if the chasers couldn't be seen?
Muldy
The military, using invisibility-technology stolen from aliens to hunt aliens down, and nobody would know.
Kruller
If aliens can make themselves invisible, why isn't this one doing it?
Muldy
Maybe this alien is actually a killing machine, genetically designed by other aliens who can use the technology?
Muldy
And this guy, we won't find anything left of him. He was obviously one of the military police who was taken hostage when the alien escaped, and is now dead, a snack for the alien. Food for thought, eh?
Kruller
Muldy, do you actually think about what you are saying, or is it an improvisational game of madlibs that you play in your head?
Muldy
All that death and destruction, and you think this is just a guy in a costume?
Kruller
Yes! That or a visual distortion caused by swamp gas. According to the evidence...
Muldy
Speaking of swamp gas, did you have a chili-dog for lunch, Kruller? Whe-whew!
Kruller
I love it when you diffuse a situation with wit, Muldy.
Kruller
FBI. I'm Special Agent Kruller, this is Special Agent Muldy.
Greg Harthlow
Greg Harthlow. I didn't think this would be much of a bureau matter.
Muldy
Detective Harthlow, do you have any clues as to the identity of the driver?
Greg Harthlow
Well we know...
Muldy
'Cause the driver was an alien!
Greg Harthlow
Alien? What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?
Kruller
Muldy, could you please wait until after we get the info we need before screaming about aliens?
Muldy
I'll never hide the truth.
Kruller
The truth is you suck!
Muldy
What?
Kruller
Nothing.
Kruller
Well, it looks like the car stopped here, and then caught fire. No remains, no way to trace the car. This may be a dead end.
Muldy
Maybe not, Kruller. Remember, we are dealing with an alien fugitive here, and what do aliens love to eat above everything else?
Kruller
Aliens love bagels?
Muldy
I don't know, it just sounded more clever than "lets ask the kid in the bagel shop if he saw anything."
Kruller
I really hate you.
Anon
Yeah, I did see them. They both got out of the car before it blew up. Then the blonde guy started yelling at the big green guy, about him blowing up his car, then said he needed a drink, so they walked down the street, looking for a bar or something.
Anon
Then something weird happened. They both melted into each other and formed into, like, this giant caterpillar, like out of Alice in Wonderland, Y'know. It looked at me, said I was "destined to rule the world". Then it sprouted bat winds, and flew into the sun.
Kruller
Muldy, that kid was stoned out of his mind! You can't go on what he said he saw.
Muldy
We just have to deduce what is fact and what is fiction. First off, since the blonde was the hostage of the alien, he wouldn't yell at it.
Muldy
And secondly, aliens don't drink.
Muldy
This is Agent Muldy. I want to put out an A.P.B. on a giant caterpillar with bat wings...
Torg
Hey Riff! What are you working on?
Riff
I'm building a robot. It's too nice out to work inside. What's new with you?
Torg
Oh, Aylee trashed my car, caused a lot of accidents. Thank god the car blew up, so they can't trace it to me.
Riff
Are you afraid they'd throw you in jail?
Torg
Naw, jail I can deal with. It's the Department of Motor Vehicles that causes me to wake up in a cold sweat.
Torg
At least I can hear the words "Department of Motor Vehicles" without freaking out!
Riff
Stop saying that name!
Riff
Torg, if you need a car, you can use mine. I'm getting a new truck! It should arrive in a few days.
Torg
Cool!
Torg
So, what is this robot for anyway?
Riff
Not sure. I'll be happy if I can get it to do something useful, like doing laundry or taking over the world.
Torg
Zoë still mad at me?
Riff
Well, she did borrow my laser cannon.
Torg
Guess I should get going...
Riff
You're out of range. Just don't cross that line I labeled "Torg's line of death."
Anon
Hi! Welcome to Killagain's! Today's specials are...
Muldy
What are the specials? What are they?
Anon
Ca... Cat.. fish...
Muldy
What kind of catfish? What's the soup du jour? Nooooo!
Kruller
I'll have the overdone ham.
Crystal
That guy? I know him, but I'm not sure of his name. He comes by a lot, and I see him at a lot of Sam's parties.
Kruller
"Sam?"
Crystal
Sam Sein. He lives in the apartment complex on Reilly and Coal, 13B. That other guy probably lives in the same complex.
Kruller
Do you recognize this costume?
Crystal
Nah, we only get the gray-skinned bulb-headed aliens in here.
Kruller
Looks like I found a lead. Where have you been?
Muldy
Had to pick this up. Remember my theory about the alien trying to escape visible pursuers? Well I sent the photo-negatives to a photo-aura-specialist I know.
Muldy
This is the normal photo.
Muldy
This is the aura-enhanced version.
Kruller
Muldy, the guy drew on the photo with a crayon!
Muldy
Felt-pen was more expensive.
Kruller
Special Agent Kruller. We are looking for Sam Sein, apartment 13B.
Riff
Building 13 is that way.
Muldy
Thank you.
Riff
Hey! Get back here!
Muldy
Did you see what he was working on? Obviously alien technology!
Kruller
Muldy, he's just an inventor trying to make a new coffee maker or something.
Muldy
Kruller, the "coffee maker" is grabbing your butt.
Kruller
I'll have a double mocha latte.
Kruller
Special Agent Danish Kruller. We're looking for someone named Sam Sein.
Kiki
Sam hasn't been home for weeks! Can you find him for me?
Kruller
File a missing-persons report with the local authorities, and we'll see what we can do.
Kiki
Thanks!
Muldy
You don't think it's weird that our one lead has disappeared?
Kruller
Muldy, the talking ferret said he disappeared weeks before the "alien" incident...
Kruller
Ok, the talking ferret was weird.
Riff
Hey Torg! Did you know the FBI was nosing around here?
Torg
Did they mention anything about aliens and traffic accidents?
Bun-Bun
Did they mention anything about prostitution and securities fraud?
Riff
Naw, they are looking for Sam.
Torg
Whew!
Bun-Bun
Whew!
Torg
Prostitution and securities fraud?
Bun-Bun
I was just curious!
Muldy
Kruller decided to investigate that talking ferret further. She believes Sam is hiding in the apartment, using ventriloquism to make the ferret talk. Meanwhile, I am closing in on the secret military agent, who I believe is a brain-transplant victim.
Muldy
I don't expect to find him alive, but we may find clues leading us to the alien. I must stay observant for anything unusual, any leads.
Bun-Bun
Gimme you money!
Muldy
I wonder how Kruller is doing with the talking ferret. Kruller: ...so he doesn't even notice me unless I'm disputing his inane theories on a case.
Kiki
It sounds like you think of him as more than a friend.
Kruller
I think of Muldy as a brain-transplant victim.
Muldy
Federal agent W.B. Muldy. Have you seen these two? I really need to know.
Zoë
You find me beautiful? I think you're cute too!
Muldy
The alien is responsible for several wanton car wrecks.
Zoë
Wanton sex? Shouldn't we get to know each other first?
Muldy
If this is a bad time, I can wait.
Zoë
A date? I'd love to! Let me get changed!
Muldy
She's brainwashed.
Zoë
Sure, you can watch!
Torg
Aylee, I head the feds are in town, so you better keep a low profile.
Aylee
Feds?
Torg
They are sort of like a cross between cops and spies.
Torg
"To serve and dissect!"
Aylee
Dissect? Why would they want to dissect you?
Torg
Don't worry, they are looking for Sam, not us!
Zoë
Oh, that's Torg and Aylee! They live next door, 14D.
Torg
Poor Sam. He's in big trouble.
Aylee
Yeah, I'd hate to be him!
Kruller
We have finally located the apartment of the man known as "Torg". We can only hope to find some trace of what Muldy believes is an alien. Big surprise there, huh? Still, we must proceed with caution.
Muldy
Kruller! The alien is in there! It's about to kill the hostage! We have to act now!
Torg
"Bram Stoker's Dracula!"
Aylee
Right! Torg is winning! Ok, next movie!
Bun-Bun
This game is stupid.
Muldy
Freeze! Federal agents!
Torg
Doh!
Aylee
eep!
Zoë
Wow, Riff! Cool truck! Why did you attach the laser-cannon to the front of it?
Riff
I hate to be cut off. Check out these suped-up daylighters!
Kiki
Cool!
Zoë
Jeez!
Muldy
Step away from the alien.
Kruller
That is not an alien, Muldy!
Muldy
Oh no.
Kruller
Muldy! What's happening?
Muldy
Aliens! They've come for us!
Muldy
It's just like my sister... Samantha... Noooooo!
Bun-Bun
"Oliver Stone's Nixon?
Aylee
Right! Tied score!
Torg
No fair! I was distracted by random gunfire!
Narr
The story so far... Federal agent W.B. Muldy, sure of imminent alien abduction, attempts to rescue the man called "Torg". Muldy forces him out of his apartment at gun-point. Federal agent Danish Kruller, normally the calmer of the two, follows behind, unsure of events transpiring.
Narr
The alien, known to friends as "Aylee," chases after them to save Torg from abduction by federal agents.
Narr
And Bun-Bun joins in on the chase, or starts to. He then realizes that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is starting. Sure, he's seen this one before, but it was a really good one!
Narr
We now join this action adventure in progress... Damn out of space. Guess you have to wait till tomorrow. This comic-recap is brought to you by Nifty News 50, when a story breaks we give you the pieces.
Kruller
Muldy! Slow down! I'm not sure what just happened but we need to investigate it! Not run away from it!
Muldy
Not until I'm sure we aren't being chased by invisible military agents in league with alien abductors! This guy can answer all the questions we have. Tell us everything!
Torg
Look! An invisible military agent!
Kruller
Now cut that out!
Torg
heh heh.
Anon 1
So, it's true, Muldy has found an alien.
Anon 2
That's not one of our aliens! We do the bug-eyed gray-skinned "little green men" aliens!
Anon 1
But it would really get on Muldy's nerves if we cover it all up!
Anon 2
Ok, activate "Plan A."
Anon 1
"Kill everyone but Kruller and Muldy, leave them with no evidence, put them back to square one." Sir, eventually I fear we will need a "Plan B."
Anon 2
Why? "Plan A" has worked for 5 seasons! What do you suggest?
Anon 1
Plan B: We hop a flight to Vegas, get drunk, gamble, and catch Zigfried and Roy.
Anon 2
Aw, hell, lets give "Plan B" a shot!
Muldy
No more games! Tell us about the alien.
Torg
She's a great secretary... She's a pretty good cook... A little clumsy... About to eat you guys... What else do you want to know?
Kruller
Muldy! Watch out for that raccoon!
Torg
Look out! Baby duck!
Kruller
Look out! The only man who knows the truth behind the conspiracy!
Muldy
Doesn't that just figure.
Aylee
Bleck!
Torg
Thanks for missing the baby duck!
Kruller
Muldy! The bridge!
Muldy
Bail!
Kruller
They're gone Muldy. Stop looking for them.
Muldy
gasp, sputter... No, I have to find them!
Kruller
We need help to search the lake. Come on Muldy.
Aylee
Wow! They are finally leaving!
Aylee
What are you trying to tell me? I can't understand you. Sound doesn't seem to travel well underwater.
Aylee
Oh! Humans need air! I forgot again! I should really write this stuff down.
Kruller
When we get to a phone, we can ask the police to dredge the lake.
Muldy
They'll find the car but no bodies.
Kruller
Then we should go back and stake out that apartment complex.
Muldy
You know as well as I do that they are all long gone! We are left with nothing again. There probably won't even be a complex there!
Riff
What happened to you guys?
Torg
Went swimming. What's up with you?
Muldy
I am sick of this! We're stuck on Gilligan's Island! No matter how hard we try, we are never getting off this island!
Kruller
Muldy, don't give up! I may not always believe you, but I believe in you!
Muldy
Kruller? Danish? Danish!
Muldy
Kruller, you were just abducted again!
Kruller
Muldy, just because I suffer from lost time and have vague memories of being anally probed by a bunch of little green men a second ago doesn't prove anything!
Muldy
You just can't face the truth!
Kruller
The truch is you suck!
Muldy
Bite me.
Riff
Something's missing.
Torg
I think you're right, Riff!
Kiki
Sam is missing! We gotta find my owner, Sam!
Riff
Are we supposed to be somewhere?
Torg
Naw.
Kiki
Sam! The guy the FBI was looking for!
Riff
What about beer? Are we out?
Kiki
Sam! They guy who always chases after Zoë!
Torg
We got beer.
Kiki
Sam! The guy who throws all the parties!
Riff
Parties! That's what's missing!
Torg
We gotta find Sam!
Riff
Ok Kiki, when was the last time you saw Sam?
Kiki
He had just set Torg up on a blind date! He knew you had a date with Gwynn, and that Zoë would be left with no plans. He went to Zoë's to surprise her with flowers and an invitation to dinner!
Riff
I forgot Sam was so in love with Zoë! If he never made it to her place, he's probably dead.
Torg
I forgot Sam set me up on that blind date. If he's alive, he's dead!
Bun-Bun
I forgot I killed Sam! He's definitely dead!
Torg
You killed Sam and hid the body in my storage space?
Bun-Bun
Yup, the body is over there.
Kiki
Bun-Bun! How could you!
Riff
It's not Sam! It's the head of a multimillion dollar telemarketing conglomerate.
Bun-Bun
Oh yeah, Sam is the other annoying guy!
Torg
Bun-Bun! You can't go around killing telemarketer executives! I am going to have to make a citizen's arrest!
Bun-Bun
Hey, it was in self defense!
Anon
...But sir, we are willing to offer the first 60 days free, with only a 30% surcharge for...
Bun-Bun
You are so freakin' dead! I'm gonna track you down! You freakin'...
Torg
Sounds more like insanity than self defense.
Bun-Bun
It was self defense of my sanity.
Torg
The least you can do is get rid of the body!
Bun-Bun
Already taken care of.
Torg
Aylee! You ate that old rotting corpse?
Aylee
scuze me.
Bun-Bun
Anyone else suddenly in the mood for fast food?
Riff
Sam is missing, and I'm trying to find him. When he was last seen, he was on his way to see you. Did he ever make it to your place?
Zoë
No! I haven't seen Sam since the new year's eve party! I never even really thought about him!
Zoë
You have to find him, Riff! He's gotta be ok!
Riff
I thought you didn't care about him.
Zoë
I don't, but I care about him caring about me! I need attention from someone I don't care about to keep caring about those who don't care about me!
Zoë
Let me try to explain that better...
Riff
I don't care.
Narr
Torg, Riff, Zoë, and Kiki have given up the search for Sam, but new readers may wonder who Sam was.
Narr
Sam was charming...
Sam
All right, fine, don't go out with me now, but don't worry, I'll win you over! You will be mine!
Narr
... Intelligent...
Sam
Look, Kiki! A "#1 Stud" mug from a secret admirer! It must be Zoë!
Narr
And above all, a good soul.
Kiki
Noooo Sam! Don't plan Torg's death! Stay good, Sam!
Narr
Well, that's our tribute. Hey, he wasn't in the comic that much!
Kiki
Can you believe that pompous jerk? What a...
Sam
I'm still here. Putting my jacket on, haven't left eh room yet, almost there...
Riff
I'm sorry Kiki, we've looked everywhere, and checked with everyone, but there's no sign of Sam. We have to assume the worst.
Kiki
I can't believe Sam is dead!
Zoë
Sam... Dead? Oh poor Sam, he really cared about me. If he was only still alive. If we only have one more chance... I swear I would go out with him! Now my last hope of true love is gone forever!
Riff
Let's recheck your apartment to see if we missed any clues.
Kiki
Sam!?!
Riff
Sam!?!
Zoë
Sam!?!
Torg
Sam!?!
Sam
Hi guys! Sorry I've been gone so long. I should've called, but I've had the wildest time!
Zoë
Sam, it's great that you're ok!
Zoë
Of course I'd rather be dragged through the mud than go out with you!
Kiki
Yay!
Sam
I'd like you all to meet my wife, Valerie!
Valerie
Hi!
Torg
Wow, Sam! Congratulations!
Riff
Wife? Wow! This calls for a party!
Zoë
Married. Now my last hope of true love is gone forever!
Sam
So, there I was, on my way to Zoë's. I stopped off to buy some flowers for her, and that's where I met Valerie.
Valerie
I hate my job. Want to go on a wild adventure and get married?
Sam
Ok.
Torg
Sam, you sure know how to tell a story!
Sam
So I'm not James-freakin'-Cameron!
Riff
You're not even Al-freakin'-Gore.
Valerie
Sam's got the gist of the story correct. I was fed up with my job and wanted to go party. That's when Sam walked in. We traveled all along the east coast, ending up in New England. We had fun, fell in love, and got married. It was a little sudden, but hey, life is short! You gotta live fast and have fun.
Zoë
Still, getting married after only knowing someone two months!
Sam
Aw, that's so cute! Zoë is jealous! I knew you always lvoed me! Too late now, babe!
Valerie
That's what I love about my Sammy, he's got such a way with words!
Sam
Well, I gotta go to work.
Torg
At ten at night?
Sam
I got a gig as a night watchman.
Sam
Really good pay and easy work!
Riff
I gotta run too. My static discharger needs tweaking.
Valerie
So, I guess it's just us tonight.
Torg
Guess so.
Torg
Why do I sense foreboding doom?
Valerie
It's my perfume! You have to come closer for the full effect!
Torg
Wow, it's almost dawn! We've been talking all night!?!
Valerie
Wow, almost dawn! Well, Sam should be home soon.
Torg
This is bad, Torg. You are falling love with your friend's wife! Watch yourself!
Valerie
This has been so much fun, Torg! I get bored with Sam at work all night. Want to keep me company tomorrow night?
Torg
...No, no, no, no...
Torg
Sure!
Torg
...Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,...
Valerie
Thanks so much for coming by tonight, Torg!
Torg
She is just a friend, remember that, Torg! Don't think of her, think of...
Valerie
So, what should we talk about tonight?
Torg
...Baseball!
Valerie
I'm not much into sports. I do investment planning on the side... Have you planned for your future?
Torg
Investment planning might just do the trick.
Zoë
Torg, I wanted to let you know I've forgiven you.
Valerie
What did he do?
Zoë
He painted me naked, on the wall of my living room.
Valerie
Torg! I didn't know you were an artist!
Valerie
I would be flattered.
Valerie
Do you want me to model nude for you?
Zoë
You jerk!
Riff
What do you mean, "no more parties?"
Sam
Riff, I'm married now. I can't go throwing huge bashes without the "ok" from Valerie.
Torg
You are totally whipped! Married only two months, and totally whipped.
Sam
I am not whipped!
Kiki
He's not whipped!
Valerie
Sam, that ferret of yours broke another vase. She's making me very unhappy!
Kiki
Sam kicked me out! I have nowhere to go! Please, can I stay with you, Torg?
Torg
I'm sorry Kiki, but between Bun-Bun and Aylee. I've got no room!
Zoë
Please can I stay with you, Zoë?
Zoë
Kiki, I can't. I signed a no-pet clause in my lease. Torg and Riff haven't, though. Did you try them?
Kiki
Riff, you're my last hope! Can I stay with you?
Riff
No.
Kiki
Nobody wants me and it's all my fault! I'm sorry! Tell everyone I said goodbye.
Torg
So, Kiki is staying with you, huh?
Riff
Yeah, I was a little worried. Kiki is very curious and I have lots of dangerous inventions in my apartment.
Torg
You're not worried anymore?
Kiki
Oooh, what does this button do?
Riff
Nah, life's too short to waste worrying about the inevitable.
Kiki
Oooh, what does this button do?
Torg
Gee, I wonder when Riff's going to finish that robot he's been working on.
Torg
Hey Riff, when's this robot gonna be finished?
Riff
Soon.
Torg
Riff, you trashed my ceiling and squashed Bun-Bun! I owe you one!
Riff
No problem!
Bun-Bun
Near miss, nerd-boy!
Torg
Riff, you trashed my ceiling!
Riff
Sorry, I owe you one.
Riff
So what do you think?
Riff
That's a feature! It plays dead!
Bun-Bun
The arm just fell off.
Riff
That's another feature. It's got interchangeable parts!
Bun-Bun
The other arm...
Riff
That's another feature!
Riff
I still have to design an A.I. for the robot. So until it can think for itself, I made this remote! I can totally control the robot from here.
Torg
That looks like the tv remote.
Riff
It is the tv remote! Where's my remote? Where's my remote?!?
Torg
Hey, where's Bun-Bun?
Riff
Uh oh.
Torg
Uh oh.
Kiki
Bun-Bun, I don't think it's right to be stealing Riff's robot! Let's take it back!
Bun-Bun
Shaddup!
Kiki
Please, this isn't right!
Bun-Bun
Kiki, look at that panel!
Kiki
Ooooh, pretty lights! Wow! Look at that!
Bun-Bun
I would have killed most people but, luckily for Kiki, ferrets are more easily distracted than a toddler on a double espresso.
Kiki
Ooooh!
Torg
Riff, we don't know for sure that is was Bun-Bun who stole your robot!
Qwirky Waltons
Late breaking news!
Qwirky Waltons
A robot has left a small town in ruins! Among the ruins, a pet food shop, where only a few bags of alfalfa hay were stolen, a Spencer's gift shop, where only a Baywatch poster was stolen, and a telemarketer office. There were no survivors at the telemarketer office.
Qwirky Waltons
The robot is now heading for a bank! Military tanks have been sent to deal with this threat!
Riff
I'll get the truck.
Easter Bunny
Ooooooohhh...
Easter Bunny
I'm the Easter Bunny, I'm ok! I deliver painted eggs all day...
Kiki
Bun-Bun! You squashed the Easter Bunny!
Bun-Bun
And?
Kiki
Whose going to hide the easter eggs for all the boys and girls to find?
Bun-Bun
Be my guest. I've got a date with a bank.
Kiki
Fine, I will!
Kiki
Look, I'm a bunny! Hopping around and hiding... Oooh! What an interesting egg!
Kiki
And this one?! And oooooh! Look at this one! Wow look at them all! Wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!
Bun-Bun
"Ferret-shock."
Bun-Bun
Never leave a ferret to do a bunny's job.
Narr
Later...
Kiki
Bun-Bun! You were supposed to hide those eggs all over the world!
Bun-Bun
So? I hid them!
Kiki
You buried all the eggs in a big pile under a land fill! That's evil!
Bun-Bun
That's an efficient use of time!
Kiki
You are really going to rob a bank instead of doing you're duty? All those kids with no eggs to find! Are you really that mean?
Bun-Bun
I'd like to make a withdrawal.
Riff
So Bun-Bun stole my robot and used it to rob various stores like the local pet food shop. He's now trying to rob a bank with it, but doesn't know that military tanks are on the way to destroy him and the bot. Now the only hope is for us to stop the robot, save the rabbit, and...
Torg
Ahhhhh!
Torg
Quit recapping for the audience and pay attention to the road!
Riff
Right.
Bun-Bun
Damn! Here I am, in an all-powerful robot, surrounded by money, and I can't seem to get the damn thing to pick any money up!
Kiki
Riff said the robot wasn't finished.
Bun-Bun
Oh well, lets go home. We can come back later when I figure this robot out more.
Kiki
Won't the police be waiting for us outside?
Bun-Bun
Kiki, what could they do to stop this bad-boy?
Anon
All tanks are in position, awaiting launch orders!
Anon
I got a visual on the robot. All weapons locked on.
Kiki
Oh no! Tanks!
Bun-Bun
It's the whole freakin' army!
Kiki
Run or fight?
Bun-Bun
Where's the "run" button on this thing?
Bun-Bun
Well, I found the "fight" button, so let's do that.
Kiki
gulp!
Torg
How are we going to stop Bun-Bun before that robot does serious damage?
Riff
We'll be ok as long as he doesn't figure out how to arm the Omega Cannon.
Anon
We come to you live from the scene of the robot attack! My god! Look out!
Riff
Don't worry, that's just the death ray. The Omega Cannon goes "ba-blammo!"
Torg
Wow, Riff! Your robot has forced the army to retreat!
Torg
That's one well armed bot!
Riff
Yeah, I loaded it to the hilt with every type of high-tech weaponry I could think of.
Torg
You built this robot to do your laundry, right?
Riff
Someone keeps stealing my underwear.
Torg
We have to stop Bun-Bun before more people get hurt!
Riff
I refurbished the tv remote to override the robot controls! This will stop him!
Bun-Bun
What happened to my weapons?
Bun-Bun
It's out of control!
Torg
He's "stopping" this way!
Riff
Let me check my notes...
Torg
We're going to crash into that wall!
Riff
This should stop us!
Riff
Uh oh!
Torg
Whew!
Kiki
That was fun!
Anon
The military has given up searching for the robot that decimated armed forces earlier today...
Riff
I grounded Kiki for stealing my robot. Are you going to punish Bun-Bun?
Riff
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Torg
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Torg
Aha... Ha... Hem, snort, giggle. Oh, my sides!
Torg
Annnyway, you're just lucky Bun-Bun doesn't kick your butt for breaking the tv remote!
Riff
Hey, I needed its components to stop his robot rampage!
Riff
At least I got my robot back in one piece.
Riff
Two pieces.
Torg
Back to the drawing board?
Riff
Sob
Bun-Bun
Riff, I've been looking for you! About that tv remote...
Zoë
Torg has been hanging out with Valerie every night while Sam goes to work!
Riff
So?
Zoë
She's a married woman! People are starting to talk, Riff.
Riff
What people?
Zoë
Me! I'm people!
Riff
Only if you have multiple personalities.
Riff
I'm not ruling that out, by the way.
Zoë
Oh, shut up.
Valerie
You know Torg's coming by tonight, right? Like he does every night?
Sam
Yeah, I know.
Valerie
You jealous?
Sam
Hell yeah! I know you've got your eye on Riff! I want you to keep away from him!
Valerie
Got it. "No affairs with Riff!" No problem! You cute, dense hubby of mine!
Sam
Just keep away from Riff!
Sam
Torg, we need to talk. I've seen how you look at my wife.
Torg
Uh... Sam, I uh... can assure you...
Sam
Don't try to hide it. You're nearsighted. You need glasses!
Torg
Nearsighted?
Sam
Proper vision is so important! My father was too proud to wear glasses, and it killed him!
Torg
That's it! I need glasses!
Sam
He walked right off that pier...
Zoë
Kiki, have you noticed how Torg and Val seem closer these days?
Kiki
Now that I live with Riff, Torg is real close, right downstairs. But Val lives on the other side of the complex!
Zoë
I mean, have you noticed anything funny going on?
Kiki
Yeah! Riff is watching MST3K in the living room. That show is pretty funny!
Zoë
No, I mean, do you think they are sleeping together?
Kiki
Well, I just saw Torg, so I know he's awake!
Bun-Bun
She wants to know if they're doing "the nasty."
Kiki
You mean cleaning your litter-box?!?
Zoë
So, you don't think Torg and Valerie are having an affair?
Riff
No, I just don't think. It's policy.
Riff
Besides, Torg and Val can take care of themselves.
Anon
Here is your room key. Will you be needing room service?
Valerie
No, we're taken care of.
Valerie
Thanks for helping me get this hotel room while they fumigate my apartment. Wow! Look at the size of that bed!
Torg
Well, yer all set up now! I gotta go! Lookit the time! See ya!
Valerie
You sure you don't want to stay for a nightcap?
Torg
No thanks got one from the bathroom! Gotta go!
Valerie
But that's a...
Valerie
...shower-cap
Torg
That could have gone smoother...
Valerie
Oh Torg, I'm so glad you love me too! We are going to be so happy together!
Torg
Crap, I gotta run! I'm due on the Jesse Springbean show in an hour!
Jesse Springbean
Welcome back to the Jesse Springbean show! Our guest, Torg, believes this show is about web designing?
Torg
It's not?
Jesse Springbean
We have a surprise guest for you! It's Valerie! The woman you are having an affair with, on today's show...
Torg
Val?!?
Valerie
I love him so much, Jesse!
Jesse Springbean
But wait! There's more! We have a surprise guest for both of you!
Valerie
What?!?
Torg
What?!?
Jesse Springbean
We've armed her husband with a loaded automatic weapon, and told him today's show would be about the NRA!
Jesse Springbean
Are we're bringing him out on today's show...
Torg
Gahhh!!
Torg
I don't know what scares me more, the thought of actually having an affair with Val, or the fact that I derive my morals from tabloid talkshows.
Torg
Hey, Riff! Fixing your robot?
Riff
Still needs work. I'm using some parts from my dimensional flux agitator.
Torg
Are you sure that's safe...
Riff
Totally! Um... Torg?
Zoë
You blasted Torg into another dimension? How will he get back?
Riff
At least this time we didn't both get zapped. That means I can try to track him from here.
Riff
I can fetch him back in a few hours. Torg will be fine as long as he didn't get zapped to a "dimension of pain" or something.
Lord Horribus
Welcome to the Dimension of Pain!
Torg
Thanks! Can I use your restroom?
Lord Horribus
Nope.
Torg
What's going on?
Lord Horribus
We torture you until your will is broken and you agree to open a gateway back to your dimension, so we can take it over.
Torg
How are you going to torture me?
Lord Horribus
Hooks and spikes, piercing your skin, shredding ripping. Pure pain, pure agony!
Torg
Whew! I thought you'd play Susan Powter infomercials or something
Lord Horribus
Even we have limits.
Torg
Yearrrgh!
Torg
That really hurt!
Lord Horribus
Electrocution, stretched limbs, and a whipping! Is your will broken yet?
Torg
No, but it's starting to really tick me off!
Lord Horribus
You must have had serious military training.
Torg
Nope, pet bunny.
Lord Horribus
He's a tough one. I will break his spirit soon. Did you re-leash Torg?
Reakk
"Re-leash?" I thought you said "release!"
Lord Horribus
Torg has escaped! After him!
Lord Horribus
You fool! Oh well, the hunt is on. Did you sharpen my hell-spear?
Reakk
"Sharpen?" I thought you said "shorten!"
Reakk
He made it to the Sacred Circle!
Reakk
We can't touch him as long as he stays there!!!
Torg
Hey, thanks for the info!
Lord Horribus
Keep silent, fool!
Reakk
Don't be mad! At least I didn't tell him about your Beanie Baby collection!
Torg
Aw... Does the widdle demon cowect beanies? How ceeee-ute!
Reakk
Uh oh.
Zoë
Have you located Torg yet?
Riff
This is tougher than I thought. I don't have the software for this kind of job, so I'm crossing off the miscalculated dimensions manually.
Zoë
On these chewed up pieces of paper?
Riff
Bun-Bun!?!
Bun-Bun
Sorry, were those papers important?
Riff
Yes!!!
Bun-Bun
Sucks to be you.
Narr
While Riff and Zoë try to find Torg in the myriad of alternate realities, Torg holds his own against an army of demons in the Dimension of Pain. He is safe only as long as he remains in the Sacred Circle of Protection.
Torg
So, where'd this "Sacred Circle of Protection" come from anyway?
Lord Horribus
Many years ago, a powerful demon decided to make this place a dimension of evil and pain!
Lord Horribus
The Goddess of Goodness was weaker than him, so he prevailed!
Lord Horribus
He gathered all that was good, and balled it up.
Lord Horribus
He then stuffed it in a zip-lock bag, sealed it, and tossed it on the bottom rack of the "Fridge of the Heavens!"
Torg
And this spot?
Lord Horribus
The bag leaked.
Torg
Cheap bags?
Lord Horribus
We told him to get the expensive zip-lock bags, but he felt the budget bags were more evil.
Reakk
I heard the demon was squeezing the air out of the bag (known as "burping the bag" in culinary circles) and some goodness spilled out.
Psyck
Burping the bag is very important for freshness!
Lord Horribus
I've also heard it was caused by cheap plastic wrap!
Isp
He should have used tin foil!
Psyck
You can't microwave something wrapped in tin foil!
Isp
Why would he want to microwave goodness?
Torg
Alright, I don't card anymore!
Lord Horribus
You may be physically safe in the Sacred Circle of Protection, but we can trick your mind. We will now use your greatest fears against you!
Torg
Yawn!
Bun-Bun
Hi nerd-boy! I've fathered a bunch of kids for you to take care of!
Anon 1
Knocker-head!
Anon 2
Jerk!
Anon 3
Loser!
Anon 4
Gumbo-brain!
Anon 5
Spaz!
Anon 6
Nerd!
Torg
Damn!
Reakk
His greatest fear is baby bunnies?
Anon 1
Wuss!
Anon 2
Freak!
Lord Horribus
Make then go away now!
Lord Horribus
Why can't we use his fears against him?
Psyck
The long of it is, he does not explore consequences in depth, so he has no unknown fears to confront.
Psyck
And his memories are limited, so he has no fears from his past.
Psyck
The only things he seems to "fear" stem from simpler things we would not even regard.
Torg
Hey, are you saying I'm too stupid to be afraid?
Psyck
That's the short of it.
Reakk
Come with me Torg! We'll have loads of fun!
Reakk
He ain't buying it!
Lord Horribus
This water torture device will make you leave the Sacred Circle of Protection! The sound of dripping water will eventually drive you mad!
Reakk
All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! I stole your teddy-bear!
Lord Horribus
Not you, you idiot...
Lord Horribus
You stole Mr. Boo-Boo?
Reakk
Uh oh!
Torg
Look demons! My toe is outside the Sacred Circle of Protection!
Reakk
I got him!
Reakk
Ahhh! I'm burning with goodness again!
Lord Horribus
Aren't you bored of that yet?
Torg
Nope! It's still fun. He ain't all there, is he.
Lord Horribus
You have no idea.
Reakk
Put me out! Put me out!
Riff
I've found Torg! But the portal is unstable! You have to grab Torg
now! I'll pull you both back!
Zoë
Me? Hell no! You go through!
Riff
I've got to stay here! No time to argue!
Zoë
Hey!
Riff
I'll anchor you here!
Bun-Bun
Hey Riff, if the portal closes, won't she be cut in half?
Riff
Let me check my notes.
Zoë
Ahhhhhh!
Riff
That wasn't funny, Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun
Heh heh.
Lord Horribus
Torg! Com on! We're here to rescue you!
Torg
It took you guys long enough! Let's go!
Zoë
Hurry, the portal is closing!
Torg
Ahhh!
Lord Horribus
Damn! Almost had him!
Reakk
Oh well. Up for a game of Scrapple?
Lord Horribus
The game is called Scrabble! Scrabble, damn it!
Reakk
Does this outfit make me look fat?
Riff (Nice)
Welcome home, Torg!
Riff (Nice)
I'm so glad you're safe! My auto-tracker worked like a charm!
Zoë (Nice)
We were so worried! Oh no! Did they hurt you Torg?
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Kiki, look! Torg's back! Hurray!
Kiki (Nice)
Shut up, fur ball, yer gettin' on my nerves.
Riff (Nice)
I'll get the med-kit and grab you a new flannel, buddy!
Zoë (Nice)
Maybe a back-rub will help you feel better.
Torg
Hi folks! I'm fully aware that I'm not in my proper dimension, but hey, Riff's inventions work, Zoë's not mad at me, Bun-Bun is nice, everyone loves me, I think I'm staying.
Narr
Meanwhile, back in Torg's home dimension...
Zoë
Riff, I think we rescued the wrong Torg.
Riff
What gave you that idea? The purple hair? The clothes?
Riff
The fact that he only speaks Portuguese?
Torg (Portuguese)
Olá, posso ir à sua casa de banho?
Torg (Portuguese)
Por favor?
Zoë
All right, so you figured it out too.
Riff
There are infinite dimensions. We just grabbed the wrong Torg from the wrong "Dimension of Pain," and now I have no idea how to find him.
Zoë
Is Torg lost forever?
Riff
We have two choices. We can either spend the next several years of our lives scanning over each dimension in the futile hopes of finding Torg's unique signal...
Zoë
Or?
Torg (Portuguese)
Vindo aqui, meu biscoito-biscoito pequeno precioso!
Riff
Or we learn to speak Portuguese.
Zoë
Starting with phrases like "don't touch the bunny."
Bun-Bun
Back off, nerd-boy!
Torg (Portuguese)
Ahhhh!!!!
Torg
This alternate dimension is fantastic!
Zoë (Nice)
I'm so glad you're home, Torg! Do you want another back-rub?
Riff (Nice)
Can I get you anything, Torg?
Torg
Yeah, grab me a beer!
Riff (Nice)
What's a beer?
Torg
ohno.
Torg
Let me get this straight... In this dimension there are no smokes, no drugs, no booze...
Riff (Nice)
I have never even heard of this effect called "fermentation|"
Torg
...No salt, no sugar, no meat...
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Why would anyone want to eat anything but rice cakes?
Torg
...No pornography, no television...
Zoë (Nice)
We have PBS, Disney, and soon we'll get the Discovery Channel!
Torg
Do you guys even have BLEEP in this dimension?
Riff (Nice)
You can't say the "s-e-x" word.
Torg
This is BLEEPING unbelieveable!
Torg
I hate this BLEEPING place! I'm in BLEEP-BLEEP BLEEP!
Riff (Nice)
Please, Torg! Watch your language in this dimension!
Torg
Riff, send me the BLEEP home! Or BLEEP, even the Dimension of Pain was better than this.
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Send you away?
Zoë (Nice)
We couldn't, Torg! We love you!
Torg
All right, I'll stay. I have no choice.
Riff (Nice)
This calls for a celebration!
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Yay!
Zoë (Nice)
Rice cakes and spring water all around!
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Torg, I know you're unhappy here. I've decided to help you find your way home. I'm pretty good at using Riff's dimensional flux agitator.
Torg
Thanks Bun-Bun! Won't you miss me?
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Of course Torg! But your happiness comes first!
Torg
Want to come with me?
Bun-Bun (Nice)
No, I have to stay here, and wait for my Torg. Don't you have a bunny like me, waiting for you in your dimension?
Bun-Bun
Say it! Say "Bun-Bun rules!" Say it in english, nerd-boy!
Torg (Portuguese)
!Eu não compreendo o inglês!
Torg
Quit crying already! I'm going home and that's final. You guys should be looking for your Torg. Hit the switch, Bun-Bun!
Riff (Nice)
Bun-Bun! You forgot to recalibrate! There's a 10% chance you just disintegrated him!
Zoë (Nice)
Whaa!
Riff (Nice)
Whaa!
Bun-Bun (Nice)
Whaa!
Kiki (Nice)
Anybody want to adopt a ferret? These guys are driving me friggin' nuts!
Zoë (Portuguese)
*
Narr
* Translated from Portuguese
Riff (Portuguese)
Torg (Furry)
Bunny!
Zoë (Portuguese)
Riff
There's another portal opening up!
Riff
Torg?
Zoë
Is that really you?
Torg
Come here, Bun-Bun! Give daddy a hug!
Bun-Bun
Yeah, come closer!
Zoë
It's not him! It's not him. He's really gone forever.
Bun-Bun
That was fun! Let me know if any other Torgs show up!
Riff
Hold on a second... It is our Torg!
Torg
Only my Bun-Bun would kick my ass just for trying to give him a hug!
Riff
And only our Torg would be dumb enough to use that as a gauge for whether or not he's home!
Riff
I'll grab the bactine, buddy!
Torg
I'm finally home!
Zoë
Welcome back, Torg!
Torg
Wow, it is good to be home! Why are you still playing with the dimensional flux agitator?
Riff
We still have to get the "alternate-dimension Torg" home.
Torg
There's another one of me running around?
Riff
You sound excited.
Torg
Two of me! Think of the possibilities!
Riff
Nope, can't think of anything.
Torg
We could do a really cool Doublemint commercial!
Valerie
Torg! I heard you were blasted into another dimension! I'm glad you're ok! What's with the hair?
Torg (Portuguese)
És muito gira!
Valerie
What did you say?
Torg
Hey Riff, do you think this other-dimensional Torg is going to get me in to trouble, like in all those sci-fi twilight-zonish stories?
Riff
Naw, the other Torg doesn't even speak english.
Riff
Torg, I'm not sure if I can get the alternate-Torg home to his dimension.
Torg
Too difficult?
Riff
That, and the fact he walked off and I haven't seen him all day!
Torg
I better find him before he gets himself into trouble
Valerie
Torg... We can't! My husband hasn't left for work yet!
Torg (Portuguese)
Como queiras.
Torg
While I'm looking, I should say hi to Val! Have you seen her?
Valerie
Call me.
Valerie
Torg, Sam is off to work, want to go back to my place?
Torg
Can't tonight. I have to track someone down.
Valerie
You come on to me like that and then blow me off?!?
Torg
Come on to you?
Valerie
And how'd you get the purple hair-color out of your hair?
Torg
Purple hair?
Valerie
And where the hell did you get that bizarre costume?
Torg
Bizarre costume?
Valerie
And when did you learn to speak Portuguese?
Torg
Portuguese?
Bun-Bun
He'll figure it out any moment now folks!
Torg
I don't have time to figure it out! I've got to find that alternate-dimension Torg!
Torg
I've looked everywhere, and I can't find the other Torg.
Riff
Let's think about it. He's a pioneer in an alien dimension, and he's also basically you. What would you do?
Torg
I checked the bathroom!
Riff
No, after that.
Torg
Um...
Torg
Found him!
Torg (Portuguese)
"Bay... Watch..."
Riff
What a pioneer.
Torg
So, this is the other dimension's Torg, huh? Not a bad looking guy!
Torg (Portuguese)
A cara desse homem parece o traseiro dum cão!
Torg
Has he met Bun-Bun yet?
Bun-Bun
Howdy, el nerd-boys!
Torg (Portuguese)
Ah! Run away!
Torg
Never mind.
Torg
Wow! You look great! Your old duds will be out of the dryer in an hour. There's a mirror if you want to see what you look like!
Torg (Portuguese)
Ahhhiiieeeyyyaaa!
Torg
My english-portuguese translation book doesn't have a listing for "ahieya."
Torg
"Alteia" means "marshmallow!"
Torg (Portuguese)
Ayiaiaiaia!
Torg
We need to communicate if we are going to get you home! Hopefully this translation book will do the trick!
Torg (Portuguese)
Isso é um livro do traduçöes?
Torg
Yes! Yes, I do have bananas! I'll get you one!
Torg (Portuguese)
Pra que raio é que isto serve?
Torg
No, I'm afraid I don't have any raspberry-swirl ice cream... Or as you would say: "Às segundas-feiras sou um sapato!"
Torg (Portuguese)
"Are... you... a... a... embezzle?"
Torg
Embezzle? Embezzle means to steal from a company or boss! I'm a freelance web designer, so I don't have a boss! Why?
Bun-Bun
The word is prnounced "imbecile."
Torg (Portuguese)
Ahh!
Torg
How are we going to get this guy home if we can't even communicate with him?
Riff
I dug this out. It's my old junior high school science project. An "auto-translator." You talk into this, press this button, and it will translate what you said.
Torg (Portuguese)
Falo para esta coisa?
Riff
Riff is so cool! He's the coolest guy ever!
Torg
It's just a cassette player, right?
Torg (Portuguese)
O meu nome é Torg! Preciso de voltar para casa!
Riff
Sally Jenkins is cute. I hear she has a crush on Riff
Riff
I forgot I had a self-esteem problem in junior-high.
Riff
This is tougher than I thought. Locating the alternate-Torg's home involves some pretty advanced mathematical theories! This is going to take a computer genius!
Torg
Maybe I can help. I'm a web designer, so I'm pretty good with computers!
Riff
What's this symbol mean?
Torg
That represents quantum-physics degradation in a controlled environment!
Riff
That's the number three.
Torg
Yeah, but can you tell me in which font-size?
Riff
I can't do it! There is no way I can find the other Torg's home dimension! I'd have better luck closing my eyes and hitting buttons at random.
Torg (Portuguese)
Você percebe-me?
Zoë
What do we do now?
Riff
I want to sit at Riff's table for lunch!
Riff
We just hope that there's an alternate-dimension Riff trying to find this Torg, and that he's better at it than I am.
Zoë (Portuguese)
O Torg está condenado!
Zoë
Guys! Another portal is opening up!
Zoë (Portuguese)
Chegou o momento de ir embora, Torg.
Riff
That's your dimension's Zoë?
Torg
That's your dimension's Zoë?
Torg (Portugese)
Sim, eu tenho mais orte que você.
Torg
Wait for us!
Riff
Wait for us!
Zoë
Hold it, you jerks!
Torg (Portuguese)
Adeus amigos!
Torg
Well, the alternate-Torg is finally back in his dimension, and I am home in mine!
Torg
It's good to be home.
Zoë
Feeding time hive brother!
Riff
Feeding time hive sister!
Torg
It's nice to know I am finally back in my own dimension.
Riff
Not quite, foolish mammal! We have tricked you!
Torg
Ahhhhhhh!
Zoë
We are insect-based life forms in this dimension and we will now feast upon your rotting carcass!
Torg
That wasn't funny, guys!
Riff
Hey, this storyline begged for a twist ending!
Narr
Epilogue:
Lord Horribus
No victims left to torture. So now what?
Reakk
We could whip each other...
Demon King
You fools!
Reakk
What was that?
Lord Horribus
The Demon King!
Demon King
Can you not see the pinhole left behind when the being named Torg escaped us?
Reakk
I see it master! But what is it?
Demon King
An opening to a new world for us to conquer!
Demon King
A new source of souls to be our play things!
Lord Horribus
Sire, forgive my insolence, but how can we reach it within the Sacred Circle of Protection?
Demon King
I have ordered the evil super mop of the heavens!
Osp
Oooh!
Isp
Oooh!
Psyck
Oooh!
Lord Horribus
Oooh!
Reakk
Oooh!
Demon King
It sweeps, vacuums, and mops at the same time! And I shall use it to absorb the Sacred Circle!
Psyck
But ruler, this mop seems so efficient and functional! How can it be evil as well?
Demon King
Read the fine print.
Reakk
"Allow 4 to 6 eons for delivery."
Psyck
Question withdrawn.
Isp
Now that's evil!
Demon King
When the Sacred Circle is gone, the universe on the other side of the pinhole will be mine! Ahh ha ha haaa!
Demon King
Um, has it been 4 eons yet?
Lord Horribus
Not yet, sire.
Demon King
Maybe I should call the toll-free customer service number.
Reakk
The number isn't toll-free, master!
Demon King
How evil.
Riff
Hey Zoë. What's up?
Riff
Something wrong?
Zoë
My report card came.
Riff
It came on a postcard?
Zoë
They didn't think it was worth paying full postage for it.
Riff
Neat picture of MacBurgers, though. "Would you like fries with that?"
Zoë
Nice to know my college has a sense of humor.
Zoë
I can't believe I did so badly this semester! Now it's going to take me that much longer to graduate. My mom is going to go ballistic!
Riff
Why don't you just tell her the truth?
Zoë
"Mom, I couldn't study for finals because I had to help rescue a friend from Hell, and send his body double to another dimension."
Riff
She won't buy it?
Zoë
She almost had me committed after trying to explain why Torg's pet bunny would be firing a bazooka at an alien.
Riff
I see your point.
Zoë
The worst part is she thought it was a plea for more attention from her. I had to change my phone number.
Torg
Past due? Second notice? What's with all the overdue bills? Where's Aylee? She's supposed to take care of this stuff!
Bun-Bun
She went to file some papers in the filing room.
Torg
How long ago was that?
Bun-Bun
April.
Torg
She's been gone that long? You didn't think anything was wrong?
Bun-Bun
She files thing in binary.
Torg
Binary.
Bun-Bun
Do you know how long it takes to fit thousands of zeros and ones on one of those little folder tags?
Torg
Aylee?
Torg
Aylee!
Torg
Nothing left! Nothing but an empty bag of skin! What could have done this to you?
Aylee
Torg!
Torg
My god!
Torg
Aylee? Is that you?
Aylee
Yes Torg! My old body was shed away. It was my larva form, like a caterpillar.
Aylee
Strange coincidence. My new form resembles the human females of your planet!
Torg
A small percentage of them, at least.
Aylee
My new form might be a bit confusing Torg, but my face is up here now.
Torg
Riff has got to see this!
Zoë
I may still be able to pass one class. There's this professor who doesn't have me. I'm going to try to get him to allow me to turn in my term paper late, so I can pass his class. What do you think? Is it a lost cause?
Gwynn
Give it a shot! Nothing is hopeless. You might be surprised! Oh, by the way, I've got another date with Riff!
Zoë
Now that is a lost cause.
Gwynn
I'm hopeless!
Torg
She ain't bad looking, is she?
Riff
Yeah, not bad for a man-eating monster from another dimension with no regard for human life.
Torg
Yeah.
Riff
You didn't pick up any of the sarcasm in that, did you?
Torg
You realize, despite the scales and stuff, she's technically naked.
Aylee
Torg, you seem so happy with phase 2 of my transformation!
Torg
Well, hey, you look a lot better than...
Torg
...Um... Did you say "phase 2?"
Aylee
Look! Phase 3!
Torg
Holy Flintstones! Bring back phase 2!
Riff
So, you're telling me that you'll be going through more of these transformations?
Aylee
It is the way of my species, Riff. We go through several stages of transformation allowing us to adapt to our environment. I don't know how many phases I'll go through, or how long I'll remain in each one. Eventually I will lock in to one form and stay that way until immersed un another environment.
Riff
So, you know it's happening, but you don't know why.
Aylee
Oh, I feel another one coming on... Back in a second...
Riff
Torg, we need to talk. You know I've never liked the idea of keeping that alien here. Now with these transformations going on, I'm afraid her true goal may be evil.
Torg
Yeah right.
Aylee
Look! My new form!
Bun-Bun
What the hell is that?
Torg
You may have a point there, Riff!
Aylee
Torg, these transformation are taking up a lot of my energy. Could I eat someone? Please?
Anon
Hello, I couldn't help but notice your door was open. I'm a cross between a Jehovah's Witness, a vacuum sales man, and the guy from the credit card company sent to repossess your tv. Can I have a moment of your time?
Torg
It is so hard to stay good in a corrupt world.
Kiki
Riff, did you hear? Aylee tried to eat some people, but Torg stopped her!
Riff
Yeah, but how long can he keep that alien in check?
Kiki
Why are you loading all those weapons?
Riff
Kiki, you never could put two and two together.
Kiki
Four!
Riff
I stand corrected! Could you pass me the box of alien-bait?
Zoë
Professor, please... I have my term paper done! It's just a bit late. I really need to pass this class.
Professor Greywitz
Sorry Zoë. No exceptions.
Zoë
But I have a good excuse. I been very busy rescuing a friend from Hel... ah... that needed help. Between that, my other classes and interning for Dr. Lorna, I could barely...
Professor Greywitz
You know Dr. Lorna? I've always wanted to meet her. I'm her biggest fan! I have all of her books! If I could only meet her in person!
Zoë
I think it could be arranged...
Zoë
Could you pass me first, in case you don't survive the meeting?
Riff
Torg, you know I don't trust Aylee.
Torg
Yeah, you think she's going to "wig-out" and "devour the world."
Riff
It could happen. Why do you think she's going through these transformations? Could it be that her body is trying to find the ultimate form? So she can knock off the species on top of the food chain, meaning us?
Torg
Riff, you're acting paranoid.
Riff
I never act paranoid.
Riff
It draws attention from the "Evil 5" who control the world!
Torg
Oh shut up.
Torg
Listen, Aylee risked her life to save mine. She's a good secretary and a great friend. I'm not gonna let you blow her away, Riff!
Riff
What makes you think I want to kill her?
Torg
Yeah, like you don't have a gun under that trench-coat.
Riff
I always wear trench-coats.
Torg
In June?
Riff
Fashion knows no season.
Kiki
One gun? He's got a whole arsenal in here!
Riff
Shut up, Kiki.
Zoë
Lorna, this is one of my college professors, Professor Greywitz.
Professor Greywitz
Doctr... hi, Lorna um... hi... I... I'm um...
Dr. Lorna
Stop leering at me, you slime! What would your wife think?
Professor Greywitz
I'm n-n-not married, um... to any um...
Dr. Lorna
Of course not. Not with your lack of commitment. You make me sick!
Professor Greywitz
I-I-It's just... just like I imagined it!
Gwynn
What class does he teach?
Zoë
Public speaking.
Torg
You can't kill Aylee and that's final!
Riff
Fine. By the way, when I checked in on her, she was so ravaged with hunger, she ate your entire Sandman comics collection.
Torg
Like Bun-Bun doesn't destroy my stuff too. At least Aylee's good at heart.
Riff
And your Ranma 1/2 comics.
Torg
She saved my life!
Riff
And your Amazing Spider-Man number one.
Torg
Ok, hand over the gun.
Bun-Bun
Hey Aylee, word is Riff is going to "take you out."
Kiki
Oooh! On a date?
Aylee
No, he has a date with Gwynn.
Bun-Bun
No, I mean he's gonna "plug" you.
Aylee
Why? I'm not leaking.
Bun-Bun
You'll leak in blood after he plugs you.
Aylee
Shouldn't he plug me after I start leaking?
Kiki
Are you saying Riff is going to bandage Aylee if she starts bleeding?
Bun-Bun
Kiki, he's going to shoot her with a laser cannon!
Aylee
Why would he shoot me just to bandage me up afterwards? I don't get it!
Kiki
I'm totally lost.
Riff
Listen, Torg. I know you like Aylee, but think about it! If her species' instincts are to take over worlds, how long can she fight it?
Riff
You saw her devour an entire starship crew! You saw what her kind did to an entire space station!
Torg
Do you know how hard it is to find competent secretary?
Riff
Just remember this! It's my fault she's here. If something goes wrong, it's my responsibility to stop her, and I always live up to my responsibilities.
Torg
Hey, didn't you have a date with Gwynn an hour ago?
Riff
Crap! Was that today?
Zoë
Morning, Gwynn! How'd the date with Riff go?
Gwynn
It went really well!
Zoë
Ok, give me the details!
Gwynn
He showed up two hours late, I kicked him in the privates, I went home.
Zoë
Oh wow! Gwynn, I'm sorry...
Gwynn
Actually, it's the most fulfilling date we've had so far!
Riff
Hey Torg! Aylee mutate into any new and horrible forms today?
Torg
She encased herself in a cocoon and left me a sticky-note!
Torg
"Torg, I'm going through a big change now. It may take some time. All the bills are ready to go in the out-bun, left-overs in the fridge. See you in a few weeks. Love, Aylee"
Torg
Now if she was out to kill us all, would she be so considerate as to leave me a sticky-note?
Bun-Bun
That wasn't originally a sticky-note, nerd-boy!
Torg
Ok, so she's gross, but well-meaning!
Riff
I didn't say a word.
Dr. Lorna
I don't believe it! I'm the most popular host at this station, and they refuse to pick up the airline tickets for my vacation to France! How cheap! I can't stand cheap jerks!
Gwynn
Look at the bright side Lorna. At least the station is giving all of us paid vacations.
Dr. Lorna
Not exactly. You see, I work for the station. You both work for me!
Zoë
You mean...
Dr. Lorna
You're both fired. I'll hire you again in two weeks. Have a great vacation!
Torg
With my secretary encased in a cocoon, I can't get a lot done.
Riff
And I don't have to worry about saving the world from an alien invasion for now.
Zoë
And with the prophesy fulfilled, the comets won't destroy the earth for weeks.
Torg
It's summer vacation time!
Riff
It's summer vacation time!
Zoë
It's summer vacation time!
Torg
Comets?
Riff
Comets?
Zoë
School is out and the office is closed, but that just sounded too dull compared to you guys. You really know how to make a girl sound boring.
Torg
Ok, I managed to get us a beach house in North Carolina. It was a bit expensive, but it's prime season and short notice.
Zoë
How expensive?
Riff
Who cares! As long as it's close to the beach.
Torg
Um... "Close" is a subjective term.
Zoë
How expensive?
Torg
"Expensive" is also a subjective term.
Zoë
"Dead" isn't. How expensive?
Riff
Alright, everyone! Let's move it out!
Torg
Sorry, it's a little cramped in the back, Zoë.
Zoë
No problem, You and Riff take the front the first half of the trip, Gwynn and I will take the front for the second half.
Riff
Gwynn is coming?
Gwynn
Hi Riff! Ok, let's go!
Riff
You're not going to kick me again, are you?
Gwynn
That depends. Are you still a senseless moron?
Riff
Oh crap.
Gwynn
Riff! Turn on the damn air conditioning! It's hot as hell in here!
Riff
I can't! I had to draw power off the AC to keep the laser cannon charged.
Zoë
Well fix it! Why do you need a laser cannon on the front of your truck anyway?
Torg
The parkway? In Jersey? During rush hour? Hello?
Zoë
I see your point. Never mind.
Riff
Incoming!
Zoë
Zzzzzzzzzz......snort ...ahem...um...
Zoë
eep!
Gwynn
Zzz
Riff
snore
Bun-Bun
Zzz
Zoë
Riff! Wake up! You're going to get is killed!
Riff
Huh? Aaaah!!!
Torg
Damn! That was a close one! We almost ran right into that giant panda!
Zoë
"Giant panda?"
Zoë
I must be dreaming!
Kiki
What did she say?
Bun-Bun
She mumbled something about a "big panda." Now be quiet before you wake someone up!
Bun-Bun
And keep on that gas pedal! We're never going to make Tijuana at this rate.
Valerie
Hi Torg! How's the vacation going?
Torg
Hey Val! We're off to a great start. Bun-Bun hijacked the truck because he wanted to go to Tijuana.
Torg
He said he wanted to start a "black-market viagra shipping-ring."
Valerie
So you're in Tijuana?
Torg
Not exactly...
Bun-Bun
Hey, which way to Tijuana?
Anon 1
A talking animal!
Anon 2
It's of the Devil!
Torg
Amish countryù Back to the basics! How refreshing!
Anon 1
If you are going to stay among us, you must adhere to our beliefs! We shun your evil technology and worldly ways!
Riff
Oh, we're not staying.
Anon 1
Then why set up show?
Torg
Um... How do we explain this, Riff?
Anon 2
"Game-Boy", best nickel we ever spent!
Valerie
Hi Torg! How's Amish country?
Torg
I think we outstayed our welcome. Today we took part in a barn raising!
Valerie
That sounds like fun!
Torg
Then Bun-Bun chewed it down again.
Valerie
Oh no!
Torg
Then he introduced the Amish children to the internet... Hey, I gotta run, the angry mob just found us again.
Riff
The Amish are long gone, so we'll stay here tonight.
Torg
You never fail to amaze me, Bun-Bun! I've never heard of anybody managing to piss of the Amish to the extent you did!
Gwynn
Have you ever heard such profanity?
Zoë
Not since Dr. Lorna's ratings came in for last quarter.
Riff
It was the automatic weapons that surprised me.
Torg
Good night, ladies! Get a lot of sleep. We're leaving early tomorrow. We got a lot of lost ground to cover.
Zoë
Why do we ahve to keep the animals?
Torg
Zoë, you're the one who got us into this mess. Consider it punishment.
Bun-Bun
Looks like we're bunking together tonight Zoë! Hubba hubba!
Zoë
This is cruel and unusual punishment!
Bun-Bun
Yup, I'm both!
Zoë
Well, time to hit the hay. Kiki, Bun-Bun, we set up some blankets and pillows in the bathroom...
Bun-Bun
Hey Zoë! I can see right up your robe! I see London, I see France...
Torg
What the hell is that rabbit doing in here?
Riff
Zoë kicked him out. He's staying here tonight.
Torg
But we had an arrangement! I'm gonna go talk to her!
Riff
She kicked him through the wall.
Torg
Um... I'm gonna stay here.
Bun-Bun
Which one of you sleeps in the tub?
Torg
Welcome to Nags Head, North Carolina. That's our beach house. What do you guys think?
Zoë
I think it's quaint!
Bun-Bun
Nags Head? Looks more like Nags Ass!
Torg
Oh, the locals are gonna love you, Bun-Bun.
Kiki
Wow! This place is cool, Torg! You should plan our vacations every year!
Torg
Thanks Kiki!
Gwynn
Hey! We can see the bay from here!
Riff
Good place for a little "shellfish fishing!" Yum!
Gwynn
Why are all the houses around here built on stilts?
Torg
I don't know, but I think it hsa to do with protecting the homes from flood-damage or something.
Riff
I had a scary thought. The support beams are wood, and I haven't seen Bun-Bun for a while.
Gwynn
Maybe we should call the realtor and request a house with metal stilts?
Riff
I don't think we should mention any of this to the realtor!
Bun-Bun
Note to self: be careful chewing through support beams in future...
Riff
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yahoo!
Riff
Jellyfish! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Zoë
Hey, where'd the guys go?
Gwynn
They went to Roanoke Sound to do some crabbing.
Zoë
How much do you want to bet they forgot the crab-traps?
Gwynn
I saw 'em pack the traps and the raft. I was impressed!
Torg
We forgot the oars.
Riff
Lots of jellyfish in these waters...
Torg
Hey, Riff, I had a thought. I might be a little slow on this, but is it really a good idea to be setting jagged metal crab traps in a flimsy rubber raft in a bay filled with sharp-clawed crabs and jellyfish?
Riff
Well, not when you put it that way?
Torg
Aaaaah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
Riff
Aaaaah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
Torg
Wow, I'm really hungry for some crab legs.
Riff
Too bad we didn't catch any. I could eat twenty of 'em!
Torg
I could eat a whole case of 'em.
Riff
I wanted to catch crabs, damn it!
Torg
I wish I had a case of crabs!
Torg
I'd call all my friends and say, "come on over guys, let's have a raging party! I got a raging case of crabs!"
Bun-Bun
I ain't touching this.
Riff
I think this conversation took a turn somewhere.
Torg
This is interesting! Says here that this area used to be crawling with land-pirates. They'd tie a lantern around the neck of a nag on starless nights. Incoming ships would think the nag was another ship and avoid it, grounding them on the jagged reef! Then they'd swarm the ship, kill the crew, and steal all the gold!
Bun-Bun
Cool!
Torg
There must be tons of buried treasure around here!
Bun-Bun
Buried treasure?
Torg
Sure Bun-Bun! The shovel is in the truck! Start digging, and you'll be rich in no tome!
Bun-Bun
What do you mean by "me?" The shovel is in the truck, nerd-boy!
Riff
Have fun, guys!
Bun-Bun
Ok, now just walk back and forth so other ships get tricked into running ashore! We'll loot 'em just like the Nags Head pirates!
Kiki
I don't know about this, Bun-Bun...
Bun-Bun
It's a starless night! What could go wrong?
Kiki
Oooh!
Kiki
Fireworks!
Kiki
Happy 4th of July, Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun
I'm sick of democracy getting in the way of my plans!
Riff
"Sure Bun-Bun! The shovel's in the truck! Start digging for treasure, and you'll be rich in no time!" Good one!
Bun-Bun
Get back to work!
Torg
Hey! I found something!
Riff
What? Pirate treasure?
Torg
Even better! Lunch!
Kiki
What's the boiling water for?
Bun-Bun
It's for that crab. They're gonna throw him in and then eat him!
Kiki
They throw him in alive?
Bun-Bun
Yup! It's cool! A really painful death!
Kiki
Oh no!
Bun-Bun
And if you cook a lobster, you can actually hear it scream as it dies!
Bun-Bun
You guys are such wusses.
Zoë
So, you guys couldn't bear to kill that poor defenseless crab, and here you are, eating them by the dozen! That dosen't bother you at all?
Gwynn
Ech! What did they say?
Zoë
They either said "we have no time for moral dilemmas" or it was a series of muffled belches.
Zoë
Or both.
Gwynn
So, how was your burger Zoë?
Zoë
A little too greasy. How about your sandwich?
Gwynn
Not bad.
Gwynn
How long do you think this "all-you-can-eat" crab thing is going to go on?
Zoë
Well, the restaurant doesn't close for another four hours.
Gwynn
I think I'll walk back to the beach house, it's only a few miles right?
Jaya Cobbler
Hi! I'm Jaya! Whatcha doin?
Kiki
We're pirates! We're going out to rob and plunder unsuspecting seafarers.
Jaya Cobbler
Cool! Can I join? I want to be a pirate!
Bun-Bun
Little girls can't be pirates! What do you know about robbing and plundering?
Jaya Cobbler
Well, my dad's an investment banker and my mom's a lawyer...
Bun-Bun
Welcome aboard, first mate!
Kiki
Hey! I'm supposed to be first mate!
Mr. Cobbler
Its so calm and peaceful here! The beach is practically empty! No stress, no nothing. Ahhhh!
Mrs. Cobbler
Yes, honey! Isn't this great?
Mr. Cobbler
Arrgh!!!
Mr. Cobbler
I can't take it anymore! The pace is too slow here! It's killing me! I tried! I promised I'd try, but I've had enough! I'm only human!
Mrs. Cobbler
We've only been here fifteen minutes.
Mr. Cobbler
Cell... phone! ...Need... cell... phone...
Jaya Cobbler
Mom? I met a really cool talking bunny and ferret! We're all going to be pirates, is that ok?
Mrs. Cobbler
Sure, Honey! Just don't go too far!
Mrs. Cobbler
That girl is so imaginative. Talking bunnies.
Mr. Cobbler
"Imaginative," nothin'. This place is driving her crazy!
Mr. Cobbler
I'm even starting to hear talking animals! That sea gull up there is saying "get your butts home!"
Mrs. Cobbler
Looks to me like he was saying "look out below!"
Mr. Cobbler
Damn!
Bun-Bun
Ahoy ship! We are swarthy pirates! Hand over yer gold or be sunk ta Davey Jone's Locker!
Jaya Cobbler
Har!
Kiki
Har!
Helen
Look Harold! A child and her pets are playing pirate! This is the cutest thing I've ever seen! Get my camera!
Harold
Helen, I came out here to get away from the squalid common folk. Don't evcourage them.
Helen
You are not fun at all!
Helen
"Please someone save me from the mean old pirates! Don't shoot that realistic looking toy harpoon gun at us! Oh no!"
Bun-Bun
Fire at will! Aim for the fat broad!
Kiki
Aye aye, Cap'n
Bun-Bun
Surrender yer loot, or prepare to be boarded!
Jaya Cobbler
Har!
Kiki
Har!
Helen
Oh Harold, they're adorable! Let's bring them on board!
Harold
Some dirty street-urchin and her flea-bitten pets? On my yacht? I think not.
Bun-Bun
Ye don't be smellin' too sweetly yerself! To the plank with ye!
Zoë
Y'know, I've been thinking. Torg and Riff have been doing things like going crabbing, fishing, tying beers to kites and sending them out to sea for world peace...
Gwynn
So?
Zoë
All we've been doing lying out in the sun.
Gwynn
And?
Zoë
Well, shouldn't we be trying to accomplish something?
Gwynn
Like what?
Narr
Special guest star, the prez!
Zoë
"Gratuitous bikini-shot sunday?" Yeah, like that'll happen.
Harold
Please... um... Captain Bun! Don't make us walk the plank tied up like this! We'll drown!
Bun-Bun
Har! That tis the point!
Bun-Bun
And here be another!
Harold
Aaaah!
Jaya Cobbler
We're not gonna let them drown, are we?
Kiki
Naw, Bun-Bun just pretends to be mean.
Kiki
See! He shoved them off into the shallows! They're fine!
Bun-Bun
Shallows? Kiki! Turn the boat around before we run aground!
Kiki
But... I thought... you'd want... the yacht... in the shallows...
Kiki
Alright, I'll walk the plank again.
Bun-Bun
And when you get down there, roll those two lard-asses into the deep-end!
Jaya Cobbler
Hi! I'm Jaya the pirate, and I'm shanghaiing you guys!
Zoë
Do you even know what "shanghai" means?
Jaya Cobbler
Yeah! We kidnap you and force you to do tortuous things you don't want to do!
Torg
Ok ladies, let's go fishing!
Zoë
Sorry, Jaya, we've already been shanghaied.
Jaya Cobbler
Darn!
Gwynn
Ok, what do I do next?
Riff
Nothing till you get a bite. When that happens, I'll tell you what to do.
Gwynn
I got a bite!
Riff
Next step, you jump in the ocean and fetch that fishing rod back.
Gwynn
No problem! After I get the rod back, where do I shove it? Or is that my call?
Zoë
I'm surprised you're using a normal fishing pole, Riff.
Riff
What do you mean?
Zoë
I'd have thought you'd invent some new kind of robotic super fishing pole or something.
Riff
Or bait my hook with a cybernetic worm armed with fish-seeking radon torpedoes?
Zoë
Can we eat the fish you catch?
Riff
Only if you don't mind your hair falling out.
Torg
Hey old timer. What's your story?
Joe
Aye, me name is Joe, but they call me Old Salty. My tale is a harrowing one if you have the time!
Narr
Old Salty's tale is an epic one of power and deceit on the open seas. The morals and issues transcend time, and much can be gleaned from it. His tale changes the lives of Torg, Riff, Zoë and Gwynn, deeply and forevermore. But since all we care about is establishing a rustic, slightly senile "Gordon's Fisherman" looking guy, we've omitted the tale to make room for more Bun-Bun comics!
Bun-Bun
Har!
Narr
You're welcome!
Joe
Aye, you tourists don't belong here! Ya have no sense! Look at that! A storm's a-comin', the ocean's restless, and some idjits are about to get swept into the pier where their bodies will be dashed against the barnacle-covered poles that'll shred their skin before the undertow drags them to their death. The poor idjits.
Joe
Gives a whole now meaning to the term "pier pressure!" Ha! It's funny!
Zoë
Um... Torg... Those are our idjits!
Kiki
Um, Cap'n, I was thinking maybe you could help paddle?
Bun-Bun
So, it's a mutiny, is it?
Jaya Cobbler
Eek!
Kiki
I'll save you, Jaya!
Kiki
The current is too strong! Bun-Bun, help!
Bun-Bun
Yeah, sure Kiki! I'm just gonna dive right in and save you morons. Give me one good reason.
Bun-Bun
Hmmm... Well, I can't really be a pirate captain without a crew, can I?
Bun-Bun
So, I guess I'm off to Tijuana to start that Viagra black market shipping ring.
Joe
Quit thrashing around, girl! The sharks'll think yer a wounded fish and come after ya!
Zoë
Jaya, Kiki! Hold on!
Jaya Cobbler
Help!
Anon
I say, old chap, what do you make of that?
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
I'd say it was a wounded fish.
Anon
Ah, yes, that would be food then wouldn't it.
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
I would'nt know, I'm a bottom feeder.
Anon
Oh, I do wish you'd leave your lineage out of it. Well, cheerio, I'm off for a quick bite.
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
See you at the cribbage match!
Zoë
Oh my god! Shark!
Jaya Cobbler
Eek!
Kiki
oh no.
Gwynn
I'm going for a phone!
Joe
No time! If the undertow doesn't kill her, the shark will! She's done for!
Riff
We need to think! We...
Riff
Torg! I said think! Think!
Zoë
Torg! No!
Joe
Well, yer friend just died in vain. Stupid tourists.
Riff
Torg might just surprise you.
Joe
How's he gonna deal with a hungry shark bare-handed?
Riff
How about he dives in and accidentally plows headfirst into the shark, knocking them both out?
Joe
I see your point.
Joe
Of course this means Torg drowns, and the girl still gets swept under the pier and drowns.
Riff
I see your point.
Riff
I've got to get them away from the pier. Don't worry, I'm a good swimmer.
Zoë
Please be careful, Riff!
Zoë
Wow! Look at Riff go! He is a good swimmer! He's almost walking on water!
Joe
I'd say the jellyfish had something to do with that!
Riff
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Mrs. Cobbler
Thank you so much for saving my baby!
Mr. Cobbler
How can we repay you? How much money do you want?
Mrs. Cobbler
Ignore my husband. I want you to know that we consider you part of the family now! We want you both to be part of Jaya's life!
Torg
Cool! But first we gotta find my pet rabbit. He's on his way to Tijuana to set up a black-market Viagra trade, and he must be stopped!
Mr. Cobbler
How do you spell your last names again?
Anon 1
You two were so brave to rescue that little girl! You're heroes!
Torg
Who knew Baywatch was a documentary!
Anon 2
We're sorry we got here too late!
Riff
No prob! The photos you took with us more than make up for it.
Anon 2
"To Bun-Bun with love." There.
Anon 2
Can I ask you why this "Bun-Bun" would want photos of you guys with us?
Torg
It's going to make him so happy.
Torg
Where's Riff and Gwynn?
Zoë
They went for a long walk on the beach! I guess it's just us tonight.
Kiki
Oooh! Look Bun-Bun! Torg and Zoë are gonna smooch!
Kiki
Bun-Bun?
Kiki
Oh, that's right, you're lost at sea. We miss you so much, Bun-Bun.
Anon
I'm sorry, but your pet rabbit is lost at sea!
Torg
Yes!
Zoë
Yes!
Riff
Yes!
Torg
Want to watch a movie?
Zoë
Actually, I was wondering if we could just talk for a while.
Zoë
I... just wanted to tell you how great it was... what you did, to save that little girl! I've never seen anything so brave in my life!
Torg
Wow! If you think I'm great, Valerie will flip when she hears!
Torg
Oh, wait, do you think it would be stupid if I called her to say how great I was?
Zoë
Not as stupid as I was about to be.
Torg
So I should call? Yes? No? You want to call?
Bun-Bun
Day 4 at sea, with no food or water. I can feel the sun beating down on my brain, and the hallucinations have begun.
Kiki
You left us to die, Bun-Bun!
Jaya Cobbler
You left us to die!
Bun-Bun
Ha! Damn straight you losers! You could'nt just paddle the 20 feet to shore? You morons!
Bun-Bun
The hallucinations have cheered me up immensely.
Torg
Wow! This has been a great, awesome, fantastic vacation!
Riff
Yeah!
Kiki
Torg, how can you say that with Bun-Bun lost at sea?
Torg
Because I'm too tone-deaf to sing it!
Narr
Fun rabbit fact: Rabbits constantly scratch and chew at their surroundings. This maintains the length and sharpness of their teeth and claws.
Narr
In most situations, this is beneficial for the rabbit.
Narr
Being in the middle of the ocean in a rubber raft is not one of those situations.
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
How's your headache, old chap?
Anon
Ghastly, and I'm still quite peckish.
Anon
Now, that's an odd fish! Would that be a "wounded" fish?
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
My, now this is odd! It appears to be a "rabbit."
Anon
"Rabbit?"
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
"Noun. Plural: rabbits, also rabbit. A timid small long-eared burrowing herbivore mammal."
Anon
Can you eat it?
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
It's listed as "yummy."
Anon
Right-o! I'll be back in a tad.
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
I really don't care for this ghastly business of yours, but...
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
Dear Editor, please kindly update your entry under the heading "rabbit". The errors are not only glaring, but seem totally antonymous. I look forward to the updated edition. Yours truly, ...
Reginald J. Bottomfeeder
... Reginald J. Bottomfeeder (post mortum)
Riff
Torg! What the hell is going on? Look at us!
Torg
Well, Pete went on vacation, and needed to rush this week, so we are having stick-figure week!
Riff
Who's Pete?
Torg
He's the guy who draws this comic.
Riff
"Draws?" That point is debatable.
Torg
You should see Bun-Bun!
Riff
So, we are going to be stick-figures all week, right?
Torg
Right.
Riff
I've got no pockets! What am I supposed to do with my hands?
Torg
I guess it won't be so bad, as long as Pete maintains his quality of humor.
Riff
Right.
Torg
Right.
Riff
This sucks! Lasts comic didn't even have a punchline!
Torg
According to this bar-chart, readership is dropping off in a big way!
Riff
What bar-chart? I don't see anything?
Torg
Look at the way we are drawn! Do you really think Pete would take the time to draw props and backgrounds?
Torg
Hey, does that constitute a punchline?
Riff
No.
Riff
Well, the art might be cheap-o, but at least Pete hasn't sunk to using the same panels over and over again.
Torg
Right.
Riff
Well, the art might be cheap-o, but at least Pete hasn't sunk to using the same panels over and over again.
Torg
Right.
Riff
This really sucks.
Torg
Right.
Torg
Hi Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun
This week sucks!
Zoë
Hey guys! Check out my new dress! What do you think?
Torg
Do you want to tell Zoë about "stick-figure week," or can I?
Riff
Stick-figure week sucks. "Sucks" being the word-of-the-week.
Zoë
There are advantages to it!
Torg
Like what?
Zoë
I haven't washed my hair all week and no one can tell!
Riff
Finally, a funny comic!
Riff
Ha ha
Torg
Way to go Pete!
Torg
Ha ha ha
Zoë
I'm going to kill him!
Torg
Well, since this is stick-figure week, we can take advantage of it to show you some scenes that couldn't be shown previously due to content.
Riff
Like what?
Torg
Here's a photo of Zoë: naked!
Riff
Alright!
Zoë
Eek!
Torg
Here's a picture of the carnage left behind when Bun-Bun visited a telemarketing firm!
Riff
Oh gross! I think I'm going to be sick!
Torg
See! Even vomit is acceptable in a stick-figure world!
Riff
I feel better now.
Zoë
How dare you show that photo!
Riff
Well, that about wraps up stick-figure week!
Bun-Bun
E-mail Pete! Don't let stick-figure week end! Keep graphic violence alive!
Narr
Vacation is over, and life has returned to some semblance of normality. Since his secretary is still encased in a cocoon, Torg's workload has doubled, but despite the work, he can't keep Valerie off his mind.
Narr
Zoë and Gwynn are back to work for Dr. Lorna. Her ratings are down. They are in hell.
Narr
Riff is doing... whatever it is Riff does, and Kiki is worrying about what happened to Bun-Bun. She wonders if he is still alive, and if he ever made it to Tijuana.
Gil
Wnat to smoke some pot?
Bun-Bun
Go to hell, little buddy!
Bun-Bun
So, Gil, is there any way off this island?
Gil
Ships pass by in the distance every now and then. Can't think of how to signal 'em.
Bun-Bun
I could chew down this tree and use the wood for a signal fire.
Gil
Yeah, and we can light it with the flare from the flare gun!
Bun-Bun
You have a flare gun?
Gil
Oh, sorry. I forgot I made it into a bong.
Bun-Bun
You know why they call it a "bong," don't you?
Gil
Gyah!
Torg
Bun-Bun, gone for good. Good! Right?
Torg
Aylee, are you ok?
Torg
Val, do I tell you how I feel?
Torg
Sam is gonna kill me!
Torg
Gotta focus! If I don't get this work done, I'm going to lose my clients and go bankrupt! Runied!
Narr
Self-inflicted lobotomy: stress management for the 90's.
Zoë
Torg doesn't know how to deal with his feelings toward Val. He feels like he's betraying Sam. He's worried about Aylee, he misses Bun-Bun, and he's been working non-stop since he got back from vacation. Can't you see he's losing it, Riff?
Riff
He's fine.
Torg
Oooh! Ugh! Me Torgo of jungle. Ugh, ugh. Come, ape friends.
Torg
Oooh-ooh! Must mark territory. Ugh, ugh.
Zoë
Oh, he looks fine to me.
Riff
He did the same thing last year, only it was in a supermarket, and without the loin-cloth.
Riff
Ok, now you're starting to worry me, buddy.
Torg
Don't worry about me, Riff. I'm fine.
Riff
Then why are you still wearing the leopard skin?
Torg
My other clothes are in the wash.
Riff
What are you working on?
Torg
I'm fashioning a crude weapon out of a side-shifter joystick and a Zip disk.
Riff
What's that smell?
Torg
Oh! I just discovered fire. Want to check it out?
Kiki
Torg, are you acting weird because you miss Bun-Bun?
Torg
Bun-Bun? I don't miss Bun-Bun at all!
Riff
Then what's that on your hand?
Torg
There's nothing on his hand you jerks!
Torg
Mr. Sock-Lop says, "It's time to die!" Ka-click!
Riff
Never mind.
Kiki
Hi, Mr. Sock-Lop! I'm Kiki!
Bill Stuccum
Hello! I'm Bill Stuccum from the A.G.H. phone company. Can I speak to a... Mr. Torg please?
Torg
Hold on, I'll get him.
Torg
I'll kill you, you freakin' telemarketer scum! How dare you call here! I'm gonna carve your spleen out and use it for sausage casing...
Torg
Sigh... I guess I do miss Bun-Bun.
Torg
I'm sorry I missed my deadlines, but please give me another chance!
Torg
I was stressed out for a little while, but I'm ok now.
Torg
Could you hold on a minute? My secretary just exploded. Hello? Hello?
Torg
I should really stop being so honest with clients.
Torg
Aylee?
Torg
Boy, what a mess!
Torg
Wow, Aylee! You're new form looks just like Zoë!
Zoë
I am Zoë! I just stopped by to see if yu were ok, and walked right into the path of the exploding cocoon...
Torg
If you are you, then where's Aylee? ...Zoë? ...Zoë? ...Hello?
Torg
I really don't want to turn around, do I?
Bun-Bun
Gil, I have got to get off this island. I'm going crazy!
Gil
There is nothing to do but hang out and get stoned. You sure you don't want any?
Gil
Gyahh!!!
Bun-Bun
This is your brain on drugs!
Gil
Whoa... Trippy!
Gil
What's so funny?
Bun-Bun
Ha ha ha
Bun-Bun
Me, doing public service messages!
Gil
Is that like "community service?"
Torg
I like your new form, Aylee! This'll prove to Riff that you're not some monster that needs to be destroyed!
Aylee
You really like it?
Torg
Yeah, you look like a cute puppy-snake thingy. I wonder why Zoë was freaked out.
Aylee
And look! If I tense all my muscles, I can do this!
Aylee
I look just like a pretty flower!
Torg
Um... Riff hates flowers. Maybe you shouldn't show that to Riff.
Torg
You do not "look like a flower" when you do that Aylee!
Aylee
I do too look like a flower!
Aylee
Riff's in the other room. I'll just go show him, and that'll prove it.
Torg
Aylee... no!
Aylee
Hey, Riff, look!
Riff
Aaaah!
Riff
Get back here, you alien slime-bag!
Kiki
Hey, Torg, have you seen Aylee? She looks just like a flower!
Torg
Riff, calm down! Aylee only looks like a monster when she tenses up her muscles! She's really harmless! I'm going to call her in here, and I want you two to talk.
Torg
You'll see she's nothing to be afraid of.
Riff
Sure. Like I'm afraid.
Torg
Ok, come in, Aylee.
Riff
Aaaah!
Aylee
Eek!
Torg
Guess she got tense.
Riff
Get back here!
Aylee
I'm sorry Torg, I really screwed things up. I just get so scared when I see Riff! I think he really wants to kill me!
Torg
It's ok Aylee. Don't feel bad. But I think you might want to hide out for a while.
Aylee
So I don't look like a flower?
Torg
You'll always be a flower to me, Aylee!
Aylee
Yay!
Aylee
What kind of flower?
Torg
Medic!
Aylee
Medic? What kind of flower is that?
Riff
I don't know how that alien scum managed to get away from me before, but with this scum-tracking targeting device I've installed, our next meeting will be our last.
Kiki
Aylee is my friend! Don't hurt her! I can't bear to think of you as evil! Stay good, Riff, stay good!
Riff
Kiki, it's complicated to explain. Aylee doesn't belong here, and I'm worried about Torg being alone with her in that apartment!
Kiki
Oh, then it's ok! Torg isn't in his apartment, he's in the hospital!
Riff
The hospital!?!
Kiki
Yeah, Aylee "punctured his lung" or something. Whatever that means.
Kiki
Hey, the scum-tracking targeting device is targeting your laundry basket!
Torg
Ahhhhh, peace and quiet. I can finally get some rest.
Aylee
Surprise!
Torg
Aylee?!?
Aylee
I'm sorry I hurt you, Torg! Is there anything I can get for you?
Torg
You could start by getting off my punctured lung and putting that tube back in my arm!
Riff
Torg is in bad shape all because of that alien!
Kiki
Torg said it was an accident!
Zoë
Just chill the hell out Riff!
Zoë
You've been gunning for Aylee for a while now, but she hasn't done anything to indicate she's gonna kill us all. I admit, when I saw her, I got freaked out! But you shouldn't decide whether or not to kill her based on the way she looks! What if I looked like a monster? Or if Kiki did?
Riff
It's not what she looks like, it's what she is! It's where she's from, I... you don't...
Riff
I've got to go.
Zoë
That guy has serious communication issues.
Kiki
He looks really sad!
Aylee
Yeah, Riff is nuts!
Zoë
Aylee!? How'd you manage to get in here?
Aylee
I had to see Torg! I felt so bad. What happened to him was all my fault.
Kiki
Hiya, Aylee!
Aylee
But getting to see him gave me this warm fuzzy feeling inside!
Aylee
Oh wait, that was the security guard I had to eat to get in here. He had a lot of facial hair.
Zoë
I... um... gotta go catch up with Riff. Have fun you two!
Bun-Bun
There's a ship! Light the signal fire!
Gil
Breat timing! I just doused the pyre with alcohol, like you said!
Bun-Bun
You used a wine cooler? There's not enough alcohol in that to be flammable! The pyre will never burn now!
Gil
What do we do?
Bun-Bun
Don't worry, I have a plan!
Anon 1
Captain! There's a fire on that island! Wait, it's moving. Oh my god! It's a man on fire!
Anon 2
Quick, get a rescue boat out there!
Anon 1
Captain, that man is badly burned! We have to go to the nearest port.
Anon 2
No! We're heading to Tijuana.
Anon 1
But sir, he needs serious medical attention!
Anon 2
We are heading to Tijuana, and that's final! Question me again and I'll have you shot.
Anon 1
This is a tourist cruise ship, not a military vessel, "sir!" We are heading to the nearest port!
Anon 2
I tried! Can I still have the Viagra?
Bun-Bun
You're lucky I don't shuffle-board your ass overboard!
Valerie
Riff! Zoë! I just head Torg is in the hospital!
Valerie
Is he ok? Poor Torg! I'm so worried about him!
Zoë
Hey, wouldn't it be neat if you spent a minute worrying about your husband?
Valerie
You have something you want to say to me, Zoë?
Kiki
Oooh! Look Riff! A "cat fight!"
Riff
Um... I have no idea where Kiki picked up that phrase... Oh, look at the time... I gotta run!
Zoë
Sam never knew what he was getting into when he married a tramp like you.
Valerie
You just can't stand the fact that you let Sam slip through your fingers. Now Torg's the only guy who'll even look your way, and you're all upset that he'd rather spend time with me!
Zoë
I don't need guys to follow me around like puppy-dogs just to have some feeling of self-worth.
Valerie
That's obvious, since you date so often.
Zoë
I just think it's wrong for you to fawn all over Torg while poor Sam goes about his day thinking he can trust his wife. Maybe I should just clue him in, because it's embarrassing and sickening to watch.
Valerie
Just keep out of my business, and out of my way, or else.
Zoë
Sure thing.
Kiki
I thought you said there'd be hair-pulling and eye-clawing!
Riff
What a rip-off!
Anon 1
Aaaaaah!!!
Anon 2
Aaaaaah!!!
Anon 3
Good lord! You just pushed those two kids overboard!
Bun-Bun
She said she wanted to jump, and he said he'd have to go after her.
Bun-Bun
I was just obliging them.
Anon 3
But how could you? Why? Why?
Bun-Bun
He said he was "king of the world" and I'm ambitious!
Anon 3
I can't help but feel you've deprived the world of something... lucrative!
Bun-Bun
This cruise ship will have me home in no time. Nothing can stop me now.
Anon
Iceberg!
Bun-Bun
Iceberg? What? Oh no!
Anon
Romaine! Radicchio!
Anon
My god, they have every kind of lettuce imaginable at the salad bar!
Bun-Bun
Well, I'd normally kill the guy, but I've got a thing for lettice.
Aylee
Are you sure you're ok, Torg?
Torg
I'm fine Aylee. I just gotta stay calm, and relax for a few days. Nothing stressful. I don't want to risk tearing my stitches.
Bun-Bun
I'm back!
Aylee
Was that your stitches?
Torg
My stitches, my brain, and my shoe-laces.
Bun-Bun
Hey zucchini-face, I like your new look. What happened to nerd-boy?
Aylee
I punctured his lung.
Bun-Bun
That'll teach him.
Torg
How... but how did you... I mean...
Bun-Bun
Shut yer yap, nerd-boy, before you pop a capillary. I got picked up by a passing ship that dropped me off relatively local. I made my way back. End of story.
Torg
Oh well. I mean... welcome back.
Bun-Bun
Nice to see you too.
Torg
At least you gave up that crazy idea of going to Tijuana and starting a "Viagra black-market shipping-ring."
Bun-Bun
Not quite. The first thing I did when I got home was to jump online and set the whole ting up. Shipping, distributions, payoffs, and a hefty profit which is auto-deposited to a Swiss bank account. I'm rich!
Bun-Bun
The internet, a global source of practical uses!
Torg
That sounds familiar.
Torg
I have a question. If your money is in Switzerland, how do you get to it?
Bun-Bun
You really suck, nerd-boy.
Torg
Nice to see you too!
Kiki
Welcome home Bun-Bun! We missed you so much that we're throwing you a party.
Bun-Bun
Whoopee.
Bun-Bun
I'm so freakin' touched.
Torg
Hey, we already paid for the banner!
Torg
For our comics birthday, we proudly present Bun-Bun singing "The Nifty Song," sung to the tune of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."
Torg
For this is a nifty darn comic, for this is a nifty darn comic, for this is a nifty darn comic... and nerd-boy is nifty tooooo.
Torg
And nerd-boy is nifty too.... and nerd-boy is nifty...
Bun-Bun
What the hell is that?
Torg
Bun-Bun, meet Mr. Sock-Lop!
Bun-Bun
I don't think that sock and arm of yours are going to be around for the second birthday, nerd-boy.
Torg
I'm out of here!
Gwynn
I'm sorry for talking your ear off for the last hour, Zoë. I like Riff a lot, but I can never get a read on him. He just won't open up and talk to me. I think we might have a future, but I just can't tell.
Zoë
Heh...
Gwynn
What's so funny?
Zoë
I was just thinking how messed-up relationships are. I bet somewhere Riff is saying the exact same thing about you to Torg.
Torg
How's things going with Gwynn?
Riff
We made out the other day.
Torg
Cool! Up for a game of "Total Annihilation?"
Riff
I was just thinking how messed-up this beer tastes.
Gwynn
I'm confused. Tell me again what's happening with Torg and this "Valerie"?
Zoë
You remember Sam? Val is his wife, but Torg has this major crush on her.
Gwynn
Does she like Torg?
Zoë
Either that or she's leading him on. She seems like the type to need to be the center of attention.
Gwynn
I always thought you sort of liked Torg.
Zoë
I think of Torg as a friend, a brother. My desire to punch Val in the head is more like a hobby.
Gwynn
Ah.
Narr
To catch everyone up on the current relationships occurring in the comic, I've set up this nifty flow chart:
Narr
Zoë does not seem to be too fond of Val.
Narr
Zoë and Torg are friends.
Narr
Torg is afraid Sam will find out abut his feelings toward Val, and he feels guilty about it.
Narr
Sam always had a crush on Zoë.
Narr
Gwynn is Zoë's friend and coworker.
Narr
Riff and Gwynn appear to be having an on-again off-again relationship.
Narr
Riff and Torg are long time best buds.
Narr
Aylee is an alien from another dimension, and Torg's secretary.
Narr
Riff thinks Aylee is a danger to humanity and wants to destroy her.
Narr
Kiki is Riff's pet ferret.
Narr
Kiki used to be Sam's pet ferret, until Kiki bothered Val, and Sam kicked her out!
Narr
Val and Sam are married.
Narr
Torg and Val have some kind of crush on each other. They have yet to act on their feelings.
Narr
Bun-Bun is Torg's pet bunny. I mean, Torg happens to live with Bun-Bun, a mean bunny with a switchblade.
Narr
Got all that? Good! Because now a lot of it is going to change!
Qwirky Waltons
This just in. More bodies have been found in our area. Police admit that these are connected to the bodies found last week, but still will not confirm rumors of the strange conditions of the victims. How can you stay safe? We'll tell you at the end of the program so you'll stick around for our more boring news.
Torg
Bun-Bun?
Bun-Bun
I've been lost at sea the past few weeks, so don't look at me.
Torg
Aylee?
Aylee
I just got out of my cocoon!
Zoë
Maybe for once something weird is going on and it has nothing to do with us!
Torg
Yeah, maybe you're right, Zoë.
Zoë
Wow, I didn't realize how late it got. Great, now I have to walk home alone at night with a serial killer lose in the area.
Zoë
Oh, Zoë. Stop being so paranoid!
Zoë
That's a good sign! Normally bad stuff starts happening right after I say that.
Riff
I couldn't help but notice you following my friends.
Kullan
What's it to you?
Riff
Hold on, let me check my notes...
Riff
Pale skin, glowing eyes, fangs, floating a foot off the ground... Vampire, right?
Kullan
Bingo.
Riff
Damn! See, I thought you were just a pervert or a serial killer or something! I only brought my laser cannon. Let me go grab a woodens take and I'll be back in a flash!
Kullan
I don't think so!
Riff
Back!
Kullan
I have business elsewhere, but we will meet again.
Riff
My weapons are useless against this foe! Damn! I'm going to have to research and design a whole new arsenal from the ground up! Cool!
Torg
Hi Val! I just called to saw "what's up!"
Valerie
Torg, you know how we feel about each other. We haven't acted on it but we both know. I'm leaving Sam tonight. Meet me in the park in an hour or never see me again.
Torg
But I have plans tonight! I plan on not having Sam shoot me in the head!
Sam
Val? I'm home early!
Sam
What's this?
Valerie
Sam, it's been fun, but it's time for the charade of our marriage to end. Torg and I are going to be very happy together. You koew this was coming. It's time. Love, Valerie
Torg
I've only got a half an hour to decide whether to run off with Val or not! I don't know what to do!
Zoë
Well, how do you really feel about...
Riff
Zoë! Are you ok?
Torg
Riff! What's wrong?
Riff
Take this stake. We've got a vampire! It's after Zoë, but no one is safe!
Zoë
I don't believe this! Just when I think we might be having a nice, ordinary issue to deal with, like adultery, you come in screaming about vampires! What happened to normal problems, like credit-card debt?
Riff
The undead always pay their balances off in full.
Zoë
That figures.
Torg
I've gotta make sure Val is ok!
Riff
If you find that vamp, stake him through the heart! That's on the left side!
Riff
You'll also need a holy symbol to drive him back in case he's too strong for you!
Torg
Will this can of beer work?
Riff
Is it light beer?
Torg
Nope.
Riff
That should do the trick.
Torg
Later!
Zoë
If it is a real vampire, are we safe?
Riff
Yeah, he can't come in unless he's invited.
Kullan
Can I come in?
Kiki
Sure! I'm leaving to play with Bun-Bun, but make youreslf at home.
Kullan
Mind if I burst through the door instead of opening it?
Kiki
That sounds neat!
Kullan
You will not escape me this time!
Riff
Zoë, stay behind me!
Torg
Valerie!
Valerie
Torg! There you are! I thought you weren't coming! I've been waiting a long time!
Torg
We gotta get back to Zoë's apartment! Something weird is going on! Something about a vampire!
Valerie
A very long time indeed.
Kullan
Aaaaa!
Riff
You ok, Zoë?
Zoë
Yeah, are you ok?
Sam
What the hell is going on here! Where are Valerie and Torg!?!
Sam
And what happened to your door?
Sam
And what the hell is that?
Riff
I gotta run. Being yelled at makes me queasy.
Valerie
Hi honey! Look what I found! Can I keep him?
Valerie
Val is a vampire too?
Riff
Keep back, Sam. She's not the wife you knew! She's a servant of the undead!
Riff
Oh crap.
Valerie
Poor Riff, you look so confused! Let me help. I've been a vampire for hundreds of years. Sam is a more recent "acquisition". We both belong to the Lysinda-Circle, an ancient gathering of vampires.
Valerie
There can only be a few of us, and new ones are made when our numbers are depleted. That is why we are here. Zoë and Torg have been selected by Sam and myself to become the next vampires of the Lysinda-Circle. They have been judged worthy.
Valerie
But we had to wait for a message from the circle telling us the time had come to take them. This is Kullan, he is the messenger. Ever hear the phrase, "don't shoot the messenger?" Oh, don't feel guilty, Riff. He's not expired. It takes more than a stake to destroy one of us.
Riff
I always wondered why you guys were only around at night. Well, um, guess you don't need me then... I'll just be going... now...
Kiki
Hey Bun-Bun! What's going on?
Bun-Bun
Sam and Val just turned into vampires and are taking Torg and Zoë away.
Kiki
Oh no! Is Riff ok?
Bun-Bun
Well, he flew by pretty quick, but he looked ok.
Kullan
I want to feed on Riff! I'm hungry, and I own him for staking me!
Valerie
No! I want Sam to do it. Sam, finish off Riff.
Kiki
Sam! Don't!
Kiki
Sam! Please don't hurt Riff! Stay good, Sam, please!
Valerie
Better yet! Sam, kill that damn ferret now!
Valerie
Tear that ferret's throat out now! Don't make me compel you, Sam!
Valerie
Poor Sam, you still cling to your mortal soul. Isn't that sweet! Mourn your poor pet.
Valerie
Kullan, I'm taking Torg to the lair. Make sure Sam kills Riff, then both of you can bring Zoë.
Bun-Bun
Die you vampire bastard!
Kiki
Bun-Bun don't hurt him! He didn't really kill me!
Kullan
Sam!? You betrayed us for a ferret? I'l...
Kullan
...oh no, not again! Darn.
Sam
Bun-Bun, I need your help to destroy Kullan once and for all.
Bun-Bun
Sounds fun! Then I'm gonna kick your ass, fang-head!
Kiki
Wow, Bun-Bun! You were really gonna hurt Sam just because you thought he hurt me?
Bun-Bun
No, I'm pissed cause that vamp-chick flew off with Torg, and I just realized that he has the tV remote in his pocket!
Kiki
You didn't hurt another ferret, did you Sam?
Sam
No, Kiki, this is a stuffed animal I bought to remind me of you. I'm sorry I kicked you out of my apartment but I had no choice.
Sam
I thought I was dead when I pulled that stunt. Val would ahve realised it was a stuffed animal in a second if she wasn't so busy being pleased with herself. All wrapped up in her own schemes and plans.
Kiki
I knew you were good, Sam! I knew it!
Sam
I better go before Bun-Bun comes back to "kick my butt". Make sure Riff reads that letter when he comes to.
Kiki
You're still taking Zoë?
Sam
I'm not strong enough to fight Valeria and the Circle yet. Besies, I always said Zoë would be mine.
Valerie
There you are Sam! Where is Kullan?
Sam
He was hungry and wanted to prowl for a few nights. He's gonna hang back at our apartment.
Valerie
Shielding your thoughts from me, Sam? I so wanted to see Riff die through your eyes. Oh well.
Valerie
Let's hurry. We need to get to the lair before dawn.
Queen Lysinda
Welcome home Samuel and Valerie. We were expecting Zoë, but who is this?
Valerie
This is Torg, Queen Lysinda. He is my choice for a vampire.
Queen Lysinda
Odd! I can't read anything in his mind! Totally empty!
Queen Lysinda
A mortal who can shield his thoughts from me while entranced? That is a prize! Well done, Valerie!
Sam
Hahahaha "shielding!" Hahaha "empty-head" hahahah...
Valerie
Stop laughing Sam! It's not funny!
Riff
So, that's all that's left of "Kullan the vampire". A big ol' pile of ashes.
Bun-Bun
Before he left, Sam staked him. Then I chopped off his head and stuffed garlic in his mouth. He turned to dust instantly.
Riff
At least Sam told us how to kill 'em.
Kiki
He left this letter for you.
Riff
This isn't good.
Kiki
What is it?
Riff
There are typos everywhere! Sam can't even spell vampire!
Narr
Sam's Story: (As paraphrased by Riff)
Riff
After sending Torg on that blind date, he went to Zoë's to ask her out. On the way he met this hottie, but she turned out to be a vamp. She took him to her lair, and turned Sam into a vampire. She was Lysinda, queen of her circle of vampires. The vampires were under attack by some force bent on their destruction.
Kiki
What kind of force?
Riff
Someone named "Muffin the Vampire Baker".
Bun-Bun
Never heard of her.
Riff
Several vampires died, so Lysinda found a new lair. She needed more vampires to maintain the circle, and saw in Sam's mind images of Zoë. Lysinda knew she would make a perfect vampire, so she sent Sam back to us. Valerie, one of her most powerful vampires, was also sent to keep Sam in check (older vampires can compel the younger ones of their circle to do their bidding). Our hero still rebelled against his vampire urges.
Bun-Bun
"Our hero?"
Riff
What's what he wrote.
Riff
That's when we fuond him, with his new "wife" Valerie. For some reason, Valerie was instantly attracted to Torg, and decided to mark him for a vampire as well. But they had to wait for the right time, bla, bla, bla, yada, yada, yada.
Bun-Bun
This is pretty crappy paraphrasing.
Riff
You should see what I have to work with! It's in crayon!
Kiki
What's going to happen to Torg and Zoë?
Bun-Bun
And to my tv remote?
Riff
Torg and Zoë have been taken to the lair, beneath an old abandoned mansion in Maine. Over three consecutive nights they weill be bitten and partially drained, and on the third night they will be forced to drink vampire blood. Then they will be lost forever. Time is short, but we need a day to prepare... And we need to figure out Sam's crappy map.
Riff
I have no idea what they'll do to the remote.
Bun-Bun
They'll probably drain the batteries! Vampire bastards!
Zoë
Vampires! I can't believe Sam and Valerie are gonna turn us into vampires!
Zoë
Torg?
Torg
"Valerie!... Valerie!..."
Zoë
Torg snap out of it! We have to get out of here!
Torg
I'm not in a trance, I'm working on a love song! What rhymes with "Valerie"?
Torg
*gasp* "You knocked the wind out-a-me" *gasp* That works!
Zoë
We have to get out of this cell before sundown!
Torg
We're locked in pretty tight. Hey, it ain't all bad. I don't have to feel guilty about dating Valerie!
Zoë
Are you insane?!?
Torg
Hey, Val and Sam aren't really married! That changes everything!
Zoë
Yeah, they aren't married, they are undead servants of Satan who want to rob us of our souls!
Torg
Sure, just when I have everything figured out, you want to make me start all over again!
Kiki
Aylee, I told you about Torg and Zoë. Riff said we need your help against the vampires!
Aylee
I have to help Torg, but Riff scares me! I tense up every time I see him! I can't help it!
Kiki
That's why we made him look happier! Come on in, Riff!
Riff
Hi, Aylee!
Aylee
Eek!
Kiki
I think the clown costume made it worse.
Bun-Bun
Let's try the "french maid" costume.
Riff
We're running out of time here!
Aylee
I'm ready to join the team, Riff!
Aylee
Put it there, pal!
Aylee
Eek!
Riff
Aaaaa!
Aylee
I'm sorry Riff, I thought you were going to pull a gun on me!
Riff
Jeez Aylee!!!
Aylee
Eek!
Kiki
Stop yelling at her!
Riff
All we need is Aylee and the map to the vampire lair, and we're ready to strike.
Kiki
Aylee says she's ready. She really wants to help save Torg.
Riff
Hello Aylee.
Aylee
Hi Riff!
Aylee
Um... This is a reaction of happiness, not fear, no big deal, I'm ok.
Riff
Ok then, let's get going.
Aylee
I'm sort of stuck to the floor...
Riff
I give the hell up!
Riff
I've wasted hours trying to figure out Sam's map to the lair of the Lysinda-Circle of vampires, and what have I got? Nothing!
Kiki
Here!
Riff
What? How did you...
Kiki
I just entered "Lysinda-Circle lair" into Yahoo maps and printed it out!
Riff
How long did it take you to figure this out?
Kiki
Oh, I printed that out hours ago, but some shiny pieces of metal distracted me for a while! Oooo!!! What's that?
Narr
It is midnight.
Queen Lysinda
Tomorrow night, two new vampires will join our ranks, and the next night, Zoë and your Torg will join us as well! Soon the Circle will be complete again.
Valerie
Nothing can stop us, my queen.
Riff
The first midnight has past. We have 48 hours before Torg and Zoë are lost forever. Only we four stand between them and damnation.
Riff
Vampire kickers...
Riff
Let's kick fang!
Aylee
I have to use the bathroom.
Bun-Bun
"Kick fang?" What the hell was that?
Kiki
Oooooh! A petting zoo! Can we stop?
Aylee
I really need to use the bathroom.
Riff
I told you to go before we left. We don't have time for all these pit-stops!
Kiki
Don't worry, Aylee! There's a litterbox in the back!
Riff
That's my toolbox!!!
Bun-Bun
I've been using the cassette caddie.
Riff
Ok, Bun-Bun, is this the exit we need?
Bun-Bun
Not sure, I chewed on that part of the map.
Riff
You chewed the map?
Bun-Bun
Yeah, I got bored.
Riff
Great! A flat tire. That's all we need.
Bun-Bun
By the way, I was really bored so I chewed apart the spare tire too.
Riff
You did what? Aaaah! We've got no brakes!
Bun-Bun
Oh, about the brake-line. I was really, really bored.
Zoë
Torg, I don't want to die! I don't want to become one of them! Can't you realize what we're in for?
Torg
We get to live forever and stay out all night! That doesn't sound so bad!
Zoë
Don't you understand that we'll be feeding off the life-blood of innocent people?
Torg
We're being forced into politics?
Zoë
Well, it's not that bad, but it's pretty damn bad!
Torg
Do you mean "bad" in a moral sense or in a technically legal sense?
Queen Lysinda
Val, you have been a vampire for hundreds of years, yet you could never find the right mortal to make your own. I was curious why you chose Torg.
Valerie
I have my reasons, Queen Lysinda.
Valerie
My Lord, I fear for thy life in this battle!
Lord Torgamous De Saxones
Fear not, Val! I shall-eth return safe-eth!
Anon
Lord Torgamous just accidentally impaled himself on his own spear! He's dead!
Valerie
Curse you God! I dare thee to turn me into a werewolf or a mummy or something!
Queen Lysinda
You have a choice to make Valerie. I can free you from your pain. Never will you grow old. Never will you be weak. Never will you die. But you must come with me.
Sam
So that's how you became a vampire. Lysinda came to you in a moment of weakness and tempted you.
Valerie
Wasn't it the same way with you?
Queen Lysinda
You have a choice to make Samuel. I can...
Sam
Sure baby! Whatever you say! Sam is down with it! Oh, behave baby! Whoo-hooo! Sam's da man! Sam's da man!
Valerie
Come, my love. It is time for the ceremony to continue.
Torg
Val, I don't know about this "vampire" thing. Zoë says...
Valerie
Shhhh. Hush, we'll talk about this later. Let's go.
Valerie
I told you to stay out of my business, you bitch! Once you're an immortal I will take great lengths to see you suffer in ways impossible for a mortal to understand. Don't think Sam can protect you, he is far too weak!
Zoë
Wow! Vampire PMS!
Valerie
We can read thoughts, you know.
Zoë
Oh crap!
Valerie
That is an understatement!
Riff
Thanks to all the damage you did to the truck, we've lost another day!
Riff
Instead of being able to free Torg and Zoë under cover of daylight, we'll be lucky to make it in time at all, and that doesn't bother you.
Bun-Bun
Nope.
Riff
Now we'll never make it home in time for the season premier of Baywatch.
Bun-Bun
What have I done?
Queen Lysinda
Sylvia, you may begin.
Sylvia
Behold on this midnight of the year of Lysinda 824, two new vampires are entered into our circle under the guidance, protection and control of Queen Lysinda. As they partake from the blood of our queen, they become hers.
Sylvia
We welcome the vampires Gary and Winona. So shall it be recorded in the book of this year. All hail Lysinda.
Winona
Gak!
Gary
Urkk...
Winona
Raarraaa
Gary
Raarraaa
Torg
Wow! When you become a vampire, men become broad shouldered and muscle-bound and women become tall and thin!
Torg
You ever think of selling this on QVC?
Queen Lysinda
Foolish mortal... Do you really think humanity would give up its immortal soul forever just to look good?
Queen Lysinda
Sylvia...
Sylvia
"Infomercials next quarter." Check.
Narr
It is the third sunset. Only hours remain before Zoë and Torg are ceremonially transformed into vampiers by the Lysinda Circle. The reality of this only begins to sink in for Torg.
Narr
Zoë has lost all hope, and now faces the reality of her own doom. She can feel it racing towards her, and there is nothing she can do to stop it.
Narr
Riff races ahead as fast as his truck can handle, knowing time is short to save Zoë and Torg. He feels sure he will arrive too late, and be forced to destroy his friends.
Narr
And Donald Fuzzbottom of Jessup, Pennsylvania couldn't care less. This is a terrible statement of the rude lack of consideration towards the suffering of others.
Donald Fuzzbottom
Hey! Get the hell out of my bathroom!
Narr
And how heýs yelling at us, folks! Can you believe the nerve?
Torg
Val, you look beautiful!
Valerie
I've been saving this dress for a very long time, my love!
Anon
Queen Lysinda, a truck is approaching the mansion!
Torg
A truck? Riff is here?
Valerie
Sam!?!?!
Sam
Killing that vampire was no problem for me! This letter will tell Riff how to destroy the Lysinda Circle!
Kiki
You're a hero! Sam's da man! Sam's da man!
Valerie
Betrayer!!!
Valerie
I saw it in his mind, Queen Lysinda! He murdered Kullan, spared Riff, and led him and his pets here to destroy us!
Queen Lysinda
What!?!
Queen Lysinda
All I see in his mind are images of Zoë dancing topless.
Valerie
He's shielding his thoughts!
Sam
Heh heh...
Zoë
I could have lived my whole life without knowing that.
Anon 1
You are trespassing on private property. Leave now.
Riff
Eat sunlight, fang-heads!
Bun-Bun
Aren't they supposed to turn to dust?
Riff
It looks like they're in pain...
Anon 1
Aaaah!
Anon 2
That mortal is sooo ugly!
Riff
Hey!
Anon 3
Turn off the lights! He is hideous!
Kiki
Leave him alone, he can't help it!
Riff
Hey!!!
Anon 3
His face is burning my eyes!
Riff
The lights have them off guard! Now, Kiki! Strike!
Bun-Bun
What's the deal with the whoopee-cushion anyway?
Riff
Kiki can spray a vampire with holy water while the sound of the whoopee-cushion distracts the vampires allowing her to fly off unharmed.
Anon 1
My god, man! What did you eat?
Anon 2
Um... Excuse me.
Anon 3
Gak!
Bun-Bun
Wow, one of your ideas finally worked!
Riff
Best use of that whoopee cushion since putting it on Zoë's seat dur the "I'm flying" scene in Titanic!
Anon 1
Oh, gross! Cut that out!
Riff
Now for phase 3: Aylee, destroy those vampiers!
Aylee
I can't, they're too cute!
Anon 1
Raarr!
Anon 2
Raarr!
Anon 3
Raarr!
Riff
You destroy them or I'll blow your head off!
Aylee
Raarr!
Anon 1
Eek!
Anon 2
Eek!
Anon 3
Eek!
Aylee
Now they're really too cute!
Narr
It is midnight inside a mansion in Maine.
Sylvia
Queen Lysinda, they have entered the mansion!
Queen Lysinda
Sylvia, close the gates, then we deal with Sam!
Riff
Aylee can hold those vamps off for a while. We need to find Torg and Zoë. They must be down here.
Kiki
Won't the most powerful vampires be down here with them?
Riff
Don't worry. This baby can fire 100 wodden stakes a second! They don't stand a chance.
Kiki
Um, Riff? That gate is closing!
Bun-Bun
Now that is one staked vampire.
Bun-Bun
I think you got her.
Riff
Well, this gun only holds 100 stakes at a time and takes two days to reload. So I guess it'll have to be the old-fashioned way.
Aylee
Help!
Kiki
That was Aylee! She's in trouble!
Riff
Go try to help her, Kiki! Bun-Bun and I will save Torg and Zoë. Assuming, of course, we're not too late.
Sam
Aaaaaaah!!!!
Riff
A woman's scream! Zoë?
Bun-Bun
Actually, I think that was Sam.
Riff
Right. You're on head-chopping and garlic-stuffing duty.
Bun-Bun
I'm gonna hold off. Depending on how things go, I may change sides.
Riff
Hey, buddy. Have a stake?
Torg
Hey Riff! What's up?
Valerie
Sam is the reason for this! Kill Sam now my queen!
Zoë
Riff!
Queen Lysinda
Sam may have started this, but it is not him who ties together this assault against us.
Queen Lysinda
For us to prevail, Zoë must die!
Valerie
Oooh, I like that too!
Sam
No!
Valerie
Sam, you fool!!!
Valerie
Die!
Valerie
Ha ha ha ha ha!!
Zoë
Get off of me! No!
Queen Lysinda
The time for mercy has passed!
Torg
Let her go!
Valerie
Torg, what are you doing?!?
Torg
Val, I want to be with you forever, but not if it means killing my friends!
Valerie
There is nothing you can do to stop it. It is fate that your friends die here.
Bun-Bun
Howdy, nerd-boy.
Torg
Looks like I got an ace up my sleeve.
Bun-Bun
He, Val. Nice teeth.
Torg
Ok, Val, this is the deal. I'm taking my friends out of here, alive. Then we'll see about "us."
Bun-Bun
And where is my tv remote, toothy?
Torg
The tv remote? I think I left it on the kitchen counter. Why?
Bun-Bun
Oh. Well, catch you later, nerd-boy!
Valerie
My love, please think! This is bigger than just us. There is nothing you can do to save your friends. We either spend eternity together, hunting, feeding, and loving...
Valerie
...or you die with them.
Valerie
Torg!!!
Torg
I'm... sorry.
Valerie
Thank you...
Torg
Lysinda! Get your hands off Zoë!
Bun-Bun
Nice "moment of glory" there, nerd-boy!
Queen Lysinda
Sam and your friends must be executed for crimes against the Circle. Valerie will be easy enough to revive. That leaves you my dear. I never truly intended to kill you, Zoë. I simply wanted to force your friends to act irrationally. It worked perfectly. Now, you can become one of us, or you can die. You have a choice to make, Zoë. Will you join us?
Zoë
No.
Queen Lysinda
Very well. This will be over quickly. Close your eyes, my dear.
Bun-Bun
Hi, queeny!
Queen Lysinda
What an interesting beast. You are here, no doubt, to stop me from killing this mortal. May I ask why, my lapin?
Bun-Bun
Oh, I'm not here to stop you. There's just something you should know about Zoë.
Queen Lysinda
And what, pray tell, is...
Zoë
Zoë can take care of herself.
Bun-Bun
Actually I was going to say "she has this cute little birthmark on her butt that looks like Norway.
Zoë
Oh, go to hell!
Riff
Did you take care of all the vampires upstairs?
Aylee
Riff, I'm sorry! I couldn't remember how to kill the vampires! It was something like "cut their feet off and stuff onions up their butt". I just couldn't remember. That's why I called for help!
Riff
Aylee, listen to me carefully. What did you do with them?
Aylee
I... um... just ripped them into pieces.
Anon 1
The foolish alien! We are still alive!
Anon 2
Haha! Yes, quite alive!
Anon 3
But a mere flesh wound!
Riff
Aylee, you did good!
Aylee
Really?
Anon 3
Come closer, I'll bite your toes off!
Anon 2
The onions are irritating my buttocks.
Anon 1
If you look behind the couch, you'll find my hand and see I'm flipping you off!
Riff
Ok, people. Let's get all these staked vampires and vampire-parts out on the lawn. We'll let the dawn save us the trouble of finishing them all off.
Anon
Oooh! Big talk from Mr. Got-All-My-Limbs! "Look at me! I got arms and legs!" Jerk!
Riff
Hey, wait! Where's Sam?
Kiki
I already destroyed him!
Sam
Kiki, you chopped off his head and stuffed garlic in his mouth?
Kiki
Oh gross! Is that what I was supposed to have done?
Kiki
Riff, I'm sorry I unstaked Sam and let him go! He's my friend, I couldn't let him be destroyed!
Kiki
Riff, please don't hate me! I'm sorry! What can I do to make it up to you?
Kiki
You... you don't want me to... be your pet anymore?
Riff
Why don't you go check and make sure my truck is ok.
Kiki
Sure thing! No problem!
Kiki
Hey, can we stop for ice cream on the way home?
Riff
Don't push it.
Zoë
Riff, I want to thank you.
Riff
For what? Getting knocked out by a back-hand-slap? You're the one who saved the day!
Zoë
You came to rescue us without a second thought. What you did was brave.
Riff
Y'know, my life was a hell of a lot simpler two comics ago!
Riff
Torg, I'm sorry about what happened with Val and all.
Torg
S'no problem. I just need some time alone.
Riff
Could we speed this up? We're almost out of panels and this comic needs a gag... um... Nevermind.
Torg
There are some things in life more important than gags.
Zoë
Damn, it's good to be home.
Torg
Hey, I had a thought. It's almost Halloween, and Sam is gone, possibly forever!
Riff
That means no halloween party this year...
Riff
Unless we throw it!
Torg
Unless we throw it!
Zoë
You can't be serious! After facing off with a bunch of vampires. You guys want to have a Halloween party?
Torg
Do you think we can get Sam's smoke machine out of storage?
Riff
I could build one!
Zoë
I've got to move out of this place.
Sam
That is my story. I go on night after night. I feed upon those who cross my path. Detached, unchangeable, empty.
Sam
Do what you want with it. Give this story to others. Learn what you can.
Anon
Learn what? That vamps aren't that big of a deal if you've got an alien and a homicidal rabbit at your side? That people are perpetually stupid?
Sam
Dear god, I've failed again.
Anon
I just don't see the theme. Now if I had the power of a vampire...
Sam
Do you like this? Do you like being mulch for the gods?!? Do you like dying?!?!?
Anon
Hey! Chill! I'm not saying I want to be a vampire, I'm just saying I don't get the whole "learn what you can" aspect!
Sam
Wow. I did fail again.
Sam
Oh well. I want royalties if you make a movie or something. You got my e-mail address?
Anon
We'll be in touch.
Sam
So then I kicked Lysinda's butt! It was great! Sam's da man! Sam's da man!
Riff
What the hell? We're stick-figures again?
Torg
Pete needed another vacation.
Riff
Another full week of this? I think we exhausted the whole "stick-figure" thing.
Torg
Right! That's why we have to figure out what to do to keep people coming back while not bugging Pete.
Torg
Tune in tomorrow, folks! Who knows what we'll do! The suspense must be killing you!
Riff
Well, somebody should die for this.
Torg
The internet. More than just fun and games, it has become the global source of practical uses!
Torg
For example, let's see how Riff makes use of the internet!
Riff
I'm trying to summon the Devil on-line.
Torg
Proves my point. In the new millenium you'll be able to sell your soul ina nanosecond!
Torg
Um... But wouldn't it be easier to just e-mail him?
Riff
Yes! Spam Satan!
Zoë
What the hell was that?
Torg
It's us in Japanese comic style! It's neat!
Bun-Bun
What's that thing on the end? All right, whose butt do I kick for this?
Zoë
That "gold embossed collector's edition" idea doesn't seem so bad anymore.
Torg
Ok folks, I know this week has been a bit lacking, but have we got something cool for you! An actual photo of Zoë naked!
Riff
No cheap stick-figure version! This is the real thing!
Torg
You were supposed to paste Zoë's head on a nudie-pic!
Torg
Oops!
Zoë
Could you ahve used a less flattering head shot of me?
Narr
3-D Day! You need those red and blue glasses (the kind that come with 3-D comic books) and a decently configured monitor for these 3-D images to work. Check your local comic book shop!
Narr
Dr. Lorna's 5 Steps to a Better Life!
Dr. Lorna
  • Shut up, I'm talking.
  • Tell me your problem. I'll interrupt as soon as I have enough information to condemn you. (Average 1.5 sentences)
  • Admit that I'm better than you. I don't need your confirmation, but honesty is good for the soul.
  • When I said, "admit that I'm better than you," I meant do it silently! Now shut up! I'm still talking!
  • I'm done talking so go away, and don't let me hear from you again.
Dr. Lorna
See? My life is better already!
Torg
Hey Sam! And who is this?
Sam
This is Kiki, my pet ferret! From the lab, remember?
Kiki
Hiya!
Kiki
Oooohhhh! What's this button do?
Kiki
Don't worry, Aylee! There's a litterbox in the back?
Riff
That's my toolbox!!!
Bun-Bun
I've been using the cassette caddie.
Bun-Bun
Howdy, sir! I'll be shaking your hand any moment now.
Bun-Bun
Any moment.
Kiki
Can't work the arm! Food jammed in the gears!
Kiki
Oops!
Dr. Lorna
Riff! You have to stop doing that!
Torg
Mr. Sock-Lop says, "It's time to die!" Ka-click!
Riff
Never mind.
Kiki
He, Mr. Sock-Lop! I'm Kiki!
Zoë
If it is a real vampire, are we safe?
Riff
Yeah, he can't come in unless he's invited.
Kullan
Can I come in?
Kiki
Sure! I'm leaving to play with Bun-Bun, but make youreslf at home.
Kullan
Mind if I burst through the door instead of opening it?
Kiki
That sounds neat!
Kiki
And this one?! And oooooh! look at this one! Wow look at them all! Wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!
Bun-Bun
"Ferret-shock."
Narr
The Dimension of Pain.
Psyck
Lord Horribus! I have located the one who escaped us!
Lord Horribus
Excellent!
Lord Horribus
As Halloween approaches, the barriers between our dimensions will weaken. Reakk will pass through, and will have until dawn to kill the mortal.
Lord Horribus
Then we can snatch Torg's soul in transit, and have him to torture forever!
Isp
Reakk? He bungles everything!
Psyck
Why don't you go, Lord Horribus?
Lord Horribus
Jumping through dimensions gives me sour-tummy.
Torg
Hey, Riff! How's the new smoke machine going?
Riff
Ready for a test run.
Torg
Wow, this'll make our halloween party really cool!
Torg
Um, is the smoke supposed to make my skin itch?
Riff
Oh, I forgot, you should put these goggles on too.
Torg
The smoke machine works and I've got the decorations under control. The only thing left is to figure out what we should be for halloween.
Torg
I'm thinking... werewolf.
Riff
I'm thinking Alec Baldwin.
Torg
What the hell happened? We're all furry and stuff!
Riff
I don't know! The smoke-machine started acting weird when I changed to power supply from electric to propane.
Riff
Weirdest propane I ever used, though.
Torg
This stuff isn't propane!
Torg
It's Rogaine!
Riff
So that's why I had to agree to 5 years of hair-styling to get it. Let me check my notes.
Riff
Torg, guests are gonna be showing up any minute, so I guess I'll try to solve this "furry" problem tomorrow.
Torg
The bad thing is now we don't have a working smoke machine.
Riff
We need a neat gimmick, or this party is gonna suck.
Reakk
Errk!!!
Riff
Hey! A demon! That could work!
Torg
Oh no. Not this guy.
Reakk
Uoof!
Reakk
I'm Reakk the demon and I need to kill Torg by dawn. Where is he?
Torg
He's playing on the highway. If you hurry you might catch him.
Riff
So, that was one of the demons you fought in the Dimension of Pain?
Torg
Yeah, luckily he didn't recognize me under all this fur.
Riff
Why did you send him to the local P.E.T.A. office?
Torg
Don't worry, I was sure to tell him the secret password to get in.
Reakk
"Eat the bunnies, stomp the hamsters, and boil three mice for gold!" There, I said the password. Now where is Torg?
Riff
That poor, poor demon.
Anon
Hi Torg! Hi Riff! Did you guys get your werewolf costumes at the same store? They look similar.
Crystal
So, Riff tells me you're a real demon, not a guy in a costume.
Reakk
Of course I'm real! They call me "Reakk" because of the havoc I wreak on the innocent!
Crystal
Are you sure that's why they call you "Reek"?
Crystal
If you're a real demon, then do something... demonic!
Reakk
I am a demon from a dimension of pure pain. And you should be careful what you ask for... You just might get it!
Crystal
Ow! I jammed my pinkie!
Reakk
Hurts, don't it?
Crstal
Yeah, in a wussy kind of way.
Reakk
I don't have time for this! I must find Torg before dawn!
Crystal
Torg? He's right over there.
Reakk
What? Grrr...
Crystal
Ow, ow, ow! Stubbed toe! Stubbed toe!
Reakk
You!!!
Torg
Eeep!
Reakk
That female told me Torg was right here! Right under my nose the whole time. That makes me very angry!
Reakk
Now...
Reakk
... help me find and kill him! I can't find him anywhere and you're my only friend!
Torg
Gotcha covered, evil one!
Torg
Reakk! I found Torg! He's hiding in this box!
Reakk
Thank you, my furry friend! Uuuf! Erkk! Ouf!
Reakk
I can't find him anywhere! There's nothing in here but a Hot-Pocket.
Torg
He must be hiding in the Hot-Pocket!
Torg
I'll make sure he doesn't escape!
Reakk
Good thinking!
Zoë
Kissing Riff was a big mistake. Now he's at that Halloween part with Gwynn, and I don't know what to do!
Bun-Bun
Looks like you don't have to do anything. Riff is heading this way and bringing flowers.
Zoë
Really?
Gwynn
Zoë, I heard you weren't coming to the party and wanted to make sure you're ok.
Zoë
Hi, Gwynn! I'm fine, I'm just not in the mood for a party.
Bun-Bun
Did I say "flowers?" I meant "one big flower".
Zoë
You are this close to getting punched in the head.
Reakk
Curse Torg! He turned the awesome power of the microwave on me, and I never saw him get away!
Torg
I did! He ran through that yard!
Reakk
The one with all the dogs?
Torg
They're called pit-bulls.
Reakk
He will not escape this time!
Kiki
Look, Bun-Bun! I'ma ballerina!
Bun-Bun
Lose the tutu, Kid. I've got a better costume for you.
Kiki
This ins't for anything mean, is it?
Bun-Bun
No, it's going to be a lot of fun!
Kiki
Ooooh, what is it?
Kiki
Hey, we look just like Torg and Riff!
Bun-Bun
You picked that up already?
Kiki
Why do we have guns?
Bun-Bun
Ah, that's the fun part.
Reakk
I can't find Torg anywhere!
Torg
Hmmm... Did you check the wasp nest again?
Riff
Um... You might want to get out of here. The fur falls out on it's own.
Torg
How much time do I...
Reakk
Torg!?!
Bun-Bun
Ok, now when a kid comes to the door, you say "give me your candy and your money or you die!"
Kiki
That sounds mean!
Bun-Bun
Don't worry, Kiki, it's just a game! Like when you say "trick or treat!"
Kiki
Oh, ok!
Kiki
What are the grenades for?
Bun-Bun
They're the "treats."
Torg
Gang way! Coming through!
Reakk
Your time has come, Torg!
Crystal
Ow! Splinter! Damn.
Reakk
When I find you, I'm going to rip your heart out and...
Kiki
Give me your candy and your money or you die!
Reakk
Only one of us dies tonight, mortal!
Kiki
Eep!
Reakk
Wow! Torg's heart is black! And what's stranger, it's covered with rainbow sprinkles.
Kiki
Oops!
Reakk
I don't know how can live without a heart, but let's see you try without a head!
Kiki
Hey! Quit wrecking my costume!
Reakk
So there Torg was, headless and heartless, yet still alive!
Lord Horribus
And you say Torg's black heart was filled with creamy goodness? Hmmm.
Reakk
And then he started growing a new head before my eyes! It was a twisted tiny head that chirped at my incomprehensibly!
Psyck
I don't know of any mortal that can do that!
Isp
What did you do next, Reakk?
Reakk
Well, what do you think I did? I gave him my candy and my money and I ran for my life!
Osp
How evil, sort of.
Zoë
Hi Gwynn, sorry I'm late!
Gwynn
You sure picked the wrong day Zoë!
Zoë
What's going on?
Gwynn
A hit-piece of Dr. Lorna just came out in Scantily Fair magazine. The newsgroups are flooded with anti-Lorna postings. The media is turning against her. And now she's taking it out on the callers.
Anon
... so, what do I do?
Dr. Lorna
Sounds like you already messed up your life beyond repair, you halfwit! Just try not to ruin anyone else's with your idiocy.
Zoë
How can you tell?
Gwynn
Good point!
Zoë
Riff, this is a bad time. We're in the middle of a small crisis here.
Riff
I just called to see if you wanted to get together Friday night.
Zoë
Are you insane? Calling me at work and asking me out on a date with your girlfriend right here?
Gwynn
Who's on the phone?
Zoë
It's... the deli downstairs.
Gwynn
Oh, could you order me a sub #8?
Zoë
Ok, sounds good. Could you throw in a sub #8?
Riff
Wow! And I was going to take her out to a nice restaurant! Subs it is!
Zoë
Morning, world. Got a big date tonight!
Zoë
Yeah, big date, Zoë! You spend months acting all moral about Torg's crush, and it turns out that nothing happened between them, and she wasn't even really married!
Zoë
Here, you know Riff is dating your friend Gwynn, but you go charging in like Clinton on "new intern day."
Zoë
But, this is different! I haven't gone on a date since...
Zoë
I'm your guilt! Check it out! Huge mouth, no ears!
Zoë
I'm not going to feel guilty about this!
Zoë
We'll just see what your mom has to say about it!
Zoë
Mom's in there?
Anon
And what's my little baby been up to?
Zoë
She's gonna get cuddly with a long-haired freak who likes to blow stuff up!
Anon
What? What? Not my baby!?! Oh my heart! I'm coming! 'scuze me, pardon me,...
Zoë
She's having trouble getting through the crowd of all your grade school teachers, your little sister, Father McNally.
Zoë
All right! I give!
Riff
Morning, world. Got a big date tonight! Hey, I'll be dating Zoë and Gwynn at the same time!
Riff
Alright! Way to go man!
Riff
Belch!
Riff
The male conscience rules!
Riff
Tsk, tsk. You're not playing enough video games!
Zoë
That's it, I've decided not to date Riff. Besides, if Gwynn ever found out, my life would become a living hell.
Riff
Can't go out tonight, Gwynn. I've got a date with Zoë. How about Sunday night?
Gwynn
What!?!?
Riff
What's wrong? I mean, we enver talked about dating exclusively...
Narr
The comic strip panel that was to appear in this space has been removed due to violent content. This comic panel is rated painful (content rated by Kiki) for graphic depictions of blood, gore, and getting kicked in the ying-yangs.
Riff
Does this mean we're breaking up?
Zoë
Hi Gwynn! Have you seen...
Gwynn
How could you stab me in the back like that?
Gwynn
Well, Riff is all yours! I can't believe I trusted you.
Riff
Zoë! I need a doctor, and...
Zoë
You told Gwynn we had a date?
Zoë
Well, the date is off, you idiot!
Riff
Gasp!
Torg
Riff! What the hell happened to you?
Riff
I'm getting attacked left and right because I had a date with Zoë tonight!
Torg
Now, why did I do that? Is it because I'm protective of Zoë? Is it jealousy?
Bun-Bun
Nobody told me it was "beat up Riff Sunday"! Gang way!
Riff
Medic!
Narr
Next week on Keg Party of Five:
Gwynn
I've got bad news. One of us has a horrible illness and/or disease.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Again?
Torg
Again?
Zoë
Again?
Riff
I'm moving to Melrose. They blow stuff up.
Riff
That's it. I'm through with women.
Torg
I'll drink to that!
Riff
I didn't do anything wrong, yet I still got in trouble with both Gwynn and Zoë.
Torg
I wasted months on an emotional roller coaster over Val, and you know how that turned out.
Riff
Women aren't worth it. I'm just going to live my life without them.
Torg
Me too! From now on I'm just going to focus on work, video games, beer...
Riff
But that's what you would do anyway.
Torg
Hey! Yeah! This is going to be easier than I thought!
Riff
Here's to no more women!
Torg
Agreed! Never, ever, ever again!
Riff
Never!
Torg
Not ever!
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Torg? Riff?
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Is it really you guys? It's been so long!
Riff
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer!
Torg
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer!
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
You remember me!
Riff
Ok folks, raise your hand if you didn't see this one coming!
Torg
I didn't! But then again, I'm drunk!
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Thanks for inviting me over, Torg! This is a nice apartment!
Torg
Thanks Kim. It's real nice to see you again!
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
And Riff, what have you been up to all this time? You used to make the neatest stuff!
Riff
Yeah, I still build stuff now and then.
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Wow, it's been so long. I can't believe how much we've grown up!
Bun-Bun
So, this "Kimmy Sue" was the first love of your life.
Torg
Yup, but Riff always thought she liked him Anyway, I'm meeting her at the bar tonight, and I'm not going to let her get away this time.
Bun-Bun
Yeah, I heard about this old rivalry. Well, if you want to end this contest once and for all, maybe I can give you a few pointers. I'm known as qute the lady-killer.
Torg
Somehow, I can't picture you dating all that much, Bun-BUn.
Bun-Bun
Who said anything about "dating", nerd-boy?
Torg
Hey!
Torg
I don't want to kill my first love!
Bun-Bun
I'm in a good mood, nerd-boy. Don't blow it.
Kiki
Hi, Torg! I want to hear all about Kimmy! Riff won't tell me anything!
Torg
It's a long story.
Kiki
But I love long stories! Please tell me! Please!
Torg
Oh..... ok. It all started a long time ago. A time before the internet, when yuppies ruled the earth.
Kiki
Ooooh! What a shiny bottle!
Torg
A time so long ago that it seemed like a different world!
Torg
Hey, Riff! My new computer has a whole meg of RAM!
Riff
That's impossible, dude!
Torg
And the new Serria-Quest game is on 37 floppies! It must be cool!
Torg
I hadn't seen Kimmy since the great cooties epidemic, but we were reunited in junior high, and she fell for me like a ton of bricks.
Torg
For some reason, my happiness transformed Riff into a jealous and conniving back-stabber!
Kiki
But Riff is good! He's not mean or conn-knife-ing!
Torg
Well, how else do you explain Kimmy suddenly liking Riff as well as me?
Kiki
'Cause Riff if cool!
Aylee
Because Riff's glands hold more testosterone?
Bun-Bun
Because you are a nerd-boy!
Torg
My god! He got to you guys too!
Torg
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer wants me to be her boyfriend!
Riff
No way dude!
Torg
The note was passed to me!
Riff
Yeah, but you were supposed to keep passing it! You know she likes me better!
Torg
"I want you to, like, be my boyfriend! Totally meet me at the glen! Love, Kimmy Sue!"
Riff
She didn't put "to the dweeb" on the note. How do you know the note's for you?
Torg
If she meant it for you, she'd address it to "the dude who sleeps with a night-light!"
Riff
That's a vicious rumor!
Torg
We both agreed to meet at the glen and let Kimmy choose who she liked better. On the way to the glen, I stopped to pick her up some flowers.
Anon
Keep the hell out of my garden, you little punk!
Torg
We both made it to the glen before Kimmy, but, as usualy, Riff had to out-do me.
Riff
Check out this artifact my dad picked up in Singapore! He doesn't know what it is, but I unlocked its secrets!
Riff
I can use this to change an objet into anything that I want! With it I can make something that will win Kimmy's heart for sure!
Torg
That's no fair! I don't have any ancient...
Riff
I'm gonna turn a rock into a Smurf!
Torg
A Smurf.
Riff
Girls love Smurfs!
Torg
Wouldn't it be easier to buy her one at the 5 and 10?
Riff
Let me check my Trapper Keeper.
Torg
Gimmie that! Sike!
Riff
Hey!
Riff
Dude! You just made me turn that guy into a Smurf!
Torg
Check out his pants! Plaid is so uncool!
Riff
No duh!
Jimmy
La, la, lala la-la.
Torg
Now, I'm not totally sure, but I don't think that's what a Smurf is supposed to look like.
Riff
I wouldn't know.
Torg
Oh, you watch that show every week,
Riff
Go to hell.
Torg
Come on, which Smurf is it?
Torg
Gyahhh!
Riff
I'm thinking... "Carnivorous Smurf!"
Torg
I'm thinking we should make like Van Halen and split!
Torg
That's one mean Smurf! Hey, you could have used that artifact to make anything you wanted. Anything at all. Why, in god's name, did you try to make a wussy cute Smurf?
Riff
It was for Kimmy. What would you have made?
Torg
An Ewok!
Riff
Ewoks are just as cute as smrufs!
Torg
Yeah, but Ewoks kicked Vader's ass!
Riff
No they didn't! And if I wanted to kick Vader's ass, I would have made myself a light saber! Wornnn, wrmmmm!
Torg
I think you could use one right about now. See ya!
Riff
If you chew me up and swallow me, I shall become more powerful than you could posibbly imagine!
Jimmy
Smurfylicious!
Torg
We ran as fast as we could, trying to reach the safety of our tree-house, all the time with the carnivorous Smurf right on our tails!
Torg
Are we there yet?
Riff
Not far now!
Torg
We were paying so much attention to him that we ran right into a group of high school kids!
Anon 1
Look at the dweebs!
Anon 2
I'm gonna take you weenies apart!
Anon 3
Make 'em eat a bug!
Kiki
Did the high school kids save you?
Torg
You never went through the public school system, did you.
Kiki
No... but I eat bugs sometimes!
Torg
With the high school kids blocking our path, the Smurf caught us. He was strong, ever for a mutant carnivorous Smurf. I was pinned down, and could do nothing as it began to devour Riff!
Kiki
Oh no! I hope the Smurf didn't kill and eat you guys!
Torg
But then the Smurf suddenly paused, as if hypnotized by the chanting of the high school kids.
Anon 1
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
Anon 2
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
Anon 3
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
Torg
Suddenly, the Smurf was too cool to devour us. He ended up going to some cool high school party with the other kids and we never saw him again. We walked away with a couple of severe wedgies.
Torg
We learned a valuable lesson that day.
Kiki
Yeah! Bun-Bun was right! Peer pressure does save lives!
Torg
I was thinking "just buy the girl a smurf next time," but that'll do.
Torg
We ran as fast as we could back to the glen, stopping on the way to pick up flowers for her.
Anon
You little bastards!
Torg
But by the time we got there, Kimmy was gone. She left a note which read: "I guess you didn't want to be my boyfriend after all! Thanks a lot for standing me up. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. That was, like, sarcasm or something."
Torg
This bites!
Riff
Bummer.
Crystal
Let me guess, you both realised that she wasn't worth ruining your friendship, and you found the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Riff
No, Torg shoved flowers up my nose.
Torg
I was aiming for your eye-sockets, and missed!
Riff
Hey, did that foot-shaped bruise on your butt ever clear up?
Riff
Dude, I'm gonna go surprise Kimmy on Thanksgiving and win her heart, right... after... I... reach your... jugular...!
Torg
You are deader than bellbottoms! Kimmy's heart... is... mine...!
Dr. Lorna
Come along, Riffington. You're spending Thanksgiving with me this year.
Riff
No way! I just spent last weekend with you!
Torg
Hi, Mrs. Riff!
Dr. Lorna
Torg, Riff is not our last name! And my son's first name is "Riffington", not "Riff"! You better get your head screwed on straight before you ruin your life entirely, like Riffington's father did.
Torg
Bye, Mrs. Riffington!
Dr. Lorna
Son, I don't want you hanging out with that little moron anymore.
Riff
I'll get you for this, Torg!
Torg
Thanksgiving day. With Riff out of the picture, Kimmy was sure to be mine. I stopped on the way to her house to pick up flowers.
Torg
Hi Kimmy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Torg, I'm moving to Canada!
Torg
What? When? How? Why?
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
We're moving today! My dad got a Milli Vanilli album from the Album of the Month Club and doesn't want to pay for it! He said moving over the holiday will give us a head start on our escape!
Torg
Really?
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
It's either that, or he's afraid that loan shark he bounced a check on will kill him.
Torg
Give the Milli Vanilli album to the loan shark! Who wouldn't like a Milli Vanilli album? Milli Vanilli can heal all wounds!
Dr. Lorna
Aren't you enjoying spending Thanksgiving with us, son? It must be more fun that spending it with your father and whichever floozy he is shacking up with!
Riff
You've ruined my life!
Riff
I'm gonna turn you into a Smurf!
Dr. Lorna
Riffington, I'm really starting to think you need a therapist.
Torg
I can't believe you're moving to Canada!
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
If Jimmy the Wire Wisk gets his hands on my dad, he's a dead man.
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
I'm sorry Torg. I'll miss you!
Anon
Kimmy? Get in here. I need your help packing the Volvo.
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
I remember that! I was devastated over the move to Canada. I'm not sure I remember the carnivorous Smurf though.
Riff
What ever happened with the loan shark?
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
I don't know! I guess he gave up chasing us 'cause we never saw him again.
Narr
Meanwhile, back in the 80's
Ed
Jimmy must be around here somewhere! This is his pants!
Anon
Look out, Ed! Carnivorous Smurf!
Torg
Kim, I just have to know. Who was that note for? Me or Riff?
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
That "boyfriend" note? I... can't remember, it was so long ago. Did I tell you that I'm married, and we have a beautiful daughter? It's too bad you didn't get a chance to meet them.
Kimmy Sue Hasenpfeffer
Well, I have an early flight tomorrow, so I have to get going. It was really nice seeing you guys again.
Torg
I bet your daughter is gonna be a real heart-breaker.
Riff
Kim, don't be a stranger!
Riff
*Sigh*
Torg
*Sigh*
Riff
Hey, if I can find a way to recharge this thing, we could turn my mom into a Teletubby!
Torg
Sounds good, but let's test it on Bun-Bun first.
Anon
That'll be $129.95
Torg
For a hamburger and a soda?
Anon
You ordered 100 burgers and a soda.
Torg
I said hamburger! Not a hundred burgers! It's your stupid drive-through speaker!
Anon
Sorry, sir, but I've got the order right here in my hand.
Torg
Wouldn't I need more than one soda to wash down a hundred burgers?
Anon
Normally we would make you drive around again, but I'll cut you some slack. How many more sodas do you want?
Torg
I'll have a side salad with ranch dressing, a soda, a hamburger and fries.
Anon
A cheeseburger?
Torg
A hamburger.
Anon
You want fries with that?
Torg
A side salad with ranch dressing, a soda, a hamburger and fries!
Anon
Ok, here ya go.
Torg
You used to work the drive-thru, didn't you.
Anon
Yup. First day at the counter. We're of of french dressing.
Torg
You see this alien? She has orders to devour you unless you get my order correct. Listen very closely!
Torg
One... hamburger... and... small... fries!
Anon 1
Chicken morsels...?!?... and... uh...
Narr
And, too late, Torg realizes the awful truth. It is not lack of work-ethic or laziness that causes his food orders to get screwed up! Mistakes, goofs, and miscommunication are a way of life... in the fast food zone.
Anon 2
Eek!
Torg
Aylee! Stop! Stop eating the customers!
Anon 3
Call the police!
Anon 1
Hello? Hello? Fire department?
Anon 4
Ahhhh! Help!
Riff
Torg! I just got an e-mail from my dad! He thinks he's calculated the location of the pyramid where this artifact originiated! It's in the Sahara, near Tunisia! Who knows what other neat magic toys are waiting there!
Torg
You insensitive bastard!
Torg
Zoë and Gwynn are both still infuriated with you, yet you run and hide whenever they come by. If you were a man, instead of a pathetic child, you'd call them up and face our mistakes.
Riff
Yeah,... you're right.
Torg
Ok, let's go to Tunisia!
Riff
I thought you wanted me to call Gwynn and Zoë!
Torg
Naw, I was just relaying a message!
Zoë
He'll be calling any minute.
Gwynn
He'd better!
Kiki
They've gone to Tunisia!
Zoë
Who?
Kiki
Riff and Torg!
Zoë
Like I care.
Aylee
They're trying to find a pyramid in the Sahara!
Zoë
Do I even look worried?
Kiki
And they said you'd take care of us.
Zoë
Did they leave a number where they could be reached?
Bun-Bun
Don't worry, toots! I'm the one who "takes care" of things around here!
Narr
The Sahara desert:
Riff
Here it is, just like my father calculated.
Torg
Yeah and now I know why nobody else found it.
Torg
Your "mysterious pyramid" is a foot tall!
Riff
Entry will be complicated.
Torg
Complicated? You are totally in de nile!
Riff
You sound like a woman who's on her pyramid!
Torg
Oh, go home crying to mummy!
Torg
Uh oh!
Riff
I think our puns have angered the gods!
Torg
Hey, the pyramid isn't a foot tall! It was just buried!
Riff
Go figure.
Riff
We're in!
Torg
I still think we should use flashlights.
Riff
I like the ambiance.
Torg
What do we do with the artifact? What does you dad's e-mail say?
Riff
We'll know when we see it.
Riff
Ahh! This is it!
Riff
Hmmm...
Torg
That... that was our only way out!
Riff
"Eternal death to theone who takes the wand of Scoobusdobios Du. Eternal imprisonment to the one who returns it."
Torg
You can read that?
Riff
No, it was the subject of my father's email. I really should read these things more carefully.
Torg
Some of this rubble is too big to move! Nobody knows we're here, Riff! Nobody even knows this pyramid exists!
Riff
Don't worry, I planned ahead.
Riff
We have enough juice to power the lights for a while, and I brought extra clothes and a deck of cards. We have plenty of time to think of a way out of here.
Torg
What about food?
Riff
I got that covered. Dinner is right in... Hey, it's gone!
Kiki
I didn't know you liked soup, tuna and beef jerky, Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun
It's the principle of the matter.
Torg
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Riff
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Riff
It's only a ten foot drop.
Torg
Yeah, but the floor is covered with snakes!
Riff
I still think, in general, poking around strange statues in an undiscovered pyramid tomb filled with traps is a bad idea.
Torg
Maybe you should rethink the whole going to an "undiscovered pyramid tomb filled with traps" aspect.
Riff
There must be hundreds of snakes down there. Thousands! Do you know what that means?
Torg
Hey, yeah!
Torg
Food!
Riff
Food!
Anon
Aaaaaaaaah!
Anon
Lemmy, I don't get it! The humans are supposed to be afraid of us! We're the guardians of the crypt, for chrisake!
Lemmy
They just ate Shelly! This is horrible!
Anon
I'm a swift and deadly cobra, Lemmy! I shouldn't be cowering... I...
Anon
.... Aaaah! One of them's got my tail!
Lemmy
I gotcha buddy! Hold on!
Anon
Nooooooooo! Tell my wife and kids I love themmmmm!
Lemmy
"Come on, Lemmy, take the guard job in the cursed crypt," he says. "Think of the prestige," he ways. Screw it, I'm going back to law school!
Riff
Urp!
Riff
Hey, Torg, let me know if you find anything. Normally a snake pit indicates something valuable!
Torg
Already found something!
Torg
I think this thing is solid gold! But it's empty.
Riff
Looks like someone else beat us to the big treasure.
Torg
What kind of treasure?
Torg
"Rouge?" What kind of treasure is that? Is it magic rouge?
Zoë
Do you think Torg would like this?
Kiki
Oh, yes! It's really interesting! Why are you getting presents for Torg and Riff? I thought you didn't like them anymore!
Zoë
It's not that, Kiki. Sometimes I just get tired of it all, but it's the Christmas season, a time for forgiving or at least forgetting for a little while.
Kiki
I wouldn't know! I don't not like anybody!
Zoë
Even the store manager who tried to brain you with a broom because he thought you were a rat?
Kiki
Those were play bites!
Zoë
Aww, my little sister wants a Furby for Christmas, but my parents can't find her one.
Kiki
I got one for Bun-Bun! That's what he wanted for Christmas! He even made me give it to him early!
Zoë
Bun-Bun? Wanted a Furby? For Christmas?!?
Bun-Bun
Santa roasting on an open fire, napalm stuffed-right-up-his nose...
Torg
Aaaaaaa
Riff
Aaaaaaa
Torg
Aaaaaaaa
Riff
Aaaaaaaa
Riff
Damn! Dead end!
Torg
Aaaaaaa
Riff
Aaaaaaa
Riff
Damn, damn! Dead end!
Riff
All right, we fight!
Riff
I sort-a pictured mummies moving a bit... faster.
Torg
This is worse than downloading a brand new game demo!
Torg
I've got a great idea! We bait the mummy to charge us and we duck out of the way. Then he'll plow right through the wall and we will be free of this pyramid!
Riff
Yeah, but it's gonna take the mummy all day to reach a wall.
Torg
We'll just help... ugh.... tug him a bit further.....
Riff
Good going Torg! It's going to take him two days to get back on his ffet.
Torg
Our mummy has fallen and he can't get up!
Riff
Hey, Torg! Check this out! I've been taping all the sounds the mummy has been making for the last three days. Now, when I filter us out and speed it up...
Anon
You'd be slow too if you had your brain yanked out of your skull through your nose with a hook!
Torg
Stay tuned for more interesting facts about mummification that you never wanted to know.
Riff
He also doesn't seem to like your cooking.
Torg
What? Was his stomach yanked out through his nose too?
Mrs. Claus
Dear, the three ghosts of Christmas have never failed!
Santa Claus
But their job is to spread the Christmas spirit! Not to save my tired old butt from a naughty bunny!
Mrs. Claus
Santa, the elves have a pool going and the odds are in Bun-Bun's favor.
Santa Claus
I know.
Mrs. Claus
But the elves don't know about the ghosts! And I bet a grand on you! And at 5 to 1 odds...
Santa Claus
You mean...?
Mrs. Claus
Remember that time share in Miami we looked into?
Santa Claus
Ho-ho-ho!
Torg
Discard already!
Torg
This is ridiculous!
Riff
He didn't mean that, he's just grumpy. Wow, going for a straight, huh?
Narr
That's mummy for "quit cheating!"
Zoë
Listen, Gwynn, I said I was sorry a hundred times. It was all a big misunderstanding...
Gwynn
Have you heard from the loser-jerk lately?
Zoë
We think Riff and Torg are trapped in a desert crypt.
Gwynn
Wow! Black magic does work! Do you think this voodoo doll will do anything?
Riff
Dammit! It feels like somebody's stuffing M&Ms in my ear!
Torg
Don't talk about candy, dude! I keep burping up snake!
Torg
Happy Hanukkah, man!
Riff
Merry Christmas buddy!
Torg
A skull! Where did you find it! I checked the sarcophaguses and they were out!
Riff
Wow! A radius, and an ulna!
Torg
At least we are consistent, body parts every year.
Riff
We've never given each other body parts before!
Torg
I sense the start of a new tradition!
Torg
You know, Christmas has always been my favourite time of year. Sure, it blows being trapped forever in an ancient pyramid, but as long as I got my friends and a warm cup of snake-nog, that's all I need.
Riff
Hey, man! Could you sing that song for us again?
Riff
*sniff* That's beautiful, man!
Narr
* Sung to the tune of "Graaahuuuuuugh".
Narr
A word from our sponsor:
Anon
Old mummy, old mummy, old mummy performance wraps! Old mummy, old mummy, per-form-ance wraps!*
Narr
* Sung to the tune of that scary Old Navy commercial
Torg
Welcome back to a Sluggy Mummy Christmas. And for those who celebrate Hanukkah, here's Riff with his version of the Dreidle Song!
Riff
Mummy, mummy, mummy... He's made out of a corpse. Mummy, mummy, mummy... He looks like Mickey Rourke*
Narr
Sung to the tune of the Dreidle Song.
Torg
Mickey Rourke?
Riff
Well, you try and come up with a better rhyme for "corpse"! And what the hell does "Sluggy" mean?
Torg
Damned if I know!
Torg
Anyway, are you stuck in a crypt without holiday decorations? Here are some creative tricks from Riff to help make the most of the holidays!
Riff
Here in the pyramid, ancient papyrus makes beautiful wrapping paper.
Riff
These one-of-a-kind messages from the past are tough, but shred nicely for easy unwrapping, and each is a unique gift in and of its self.
Torg
Look! My gift foretells coming plagues!
Riff
Since showering is impossible in the tomb of the mummy, clothes can eventually become too stinky to wear! If you need Christmas ornaments, you can make beautiful ones from these stinky clothes!
Riff
And look, what a beautiful star Torg made out of dried scorpions!
Torg
Do you want to put the star on the mummy?
Narr
Have a Sluggy Mummy Christmas, with a big sarcophagus. With mistle toe, and dead pharaohs, and 'stead os snow, there's dust. *
Narr
Have a Sluggy Mummy Christmas, full of curses and good cheer, so, by gummy, have a Sluggy Mummy Christmas... with beer! *
Torg
Goodnight, and remember kids, stay good, or the mummy's curse will condemn you to a slow and painful death!
Riff
Or, at least give you a nasty case of diarrhea!
Anon
Hello, Bun-Bun? Christmas is a time of charity, and...
Bun-Bun
I'll cut you into stir-fry, you telemarketer bastard!
Anon
You... um... already did. You see, I'm dead. A ghost, really.
Bun-Bun
A ghost telemarketer? The one I cut into stir-fry?
Anon
And the charity I spoke of was you. I wanted to tell you that it's not too late to change your evil ways. You will be visited by three spirits. Expect the first one tonight at midnight. Heed them, Bun-Bun, so you might avoid my fate.
Anon
Your credit card will now be billed $98 a month unless we receive a hand-written notice containing the following...
Bun-Bun
Now I'm really pissed.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I'm here to reveal to you the mistakes of your past Christmases.
Bun-Bun
The only mistake I made last Christmas was to not double-check the wiring on the plastic explosives.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
That's not what I...
Bun-Bun
Now I always double-check my wiring.
Bun-Bun
See? ...oh, I guess you'd need eyes for that. Never mind.
The Ghost of Christmas Present
I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look, Bun-Bun. Gaze into my magic punchbowl and see how Torg and Riff celebrate the holidays!
The Ghost of Christmas Present
Despite being trapped forever in the lost pyramid, the Christmas spirit still brings them joy! But they are doomed unless they get help, and I can...
Bun-Bun
You woke me up for this?
The Ghost of Christmas Present
*cough* ...you can't kill me! I'm a ghost! I'm already dead!
Bun-Bun
Yeah, that's what "the Ghost of Christmas Past-Away" thought. Scrape her off my wall and ask her yourself!
Bun-Bun
You must be the Ghost of Christmas Future. What are you pointing at?
Bun-Bun
Is this a grave? Whose grave is it?
Bun-Bun
The future is now, spook-head!
Bun-Bun
Ha! Santa thought his ghosts would turn me around, but the only thing turned around this year is gonna be his skull! Wait a minute!?! It's light outside!
Bun-Bun
Kiki! What day is today?
Kiki
Why, Bun-Bun, it's Christmas Day!
Bun-Bun
Curse Santa for distracting me!
Bun-Bun
Good thing I mailed off his present early.
Anon
And in today's news, Santa's workshop has exploded. Terrorism has not been ruled out, although a Furby was seen nearby, playing with matches...
Zoë
Well, guys. It's time to start cleaning this stuff up!
Kiki
What about Torg and Riff's presents?
Zoë
Kiki, I've been trying to explain this to you. I don't think Torg and Riff are coming back for their presents.
Kiki
Ever?
Kiki
Ooooooh! Blinking lights! Blinking lights!
Kiki
What about Torg and Riff's presents?
Zoë
For the fiftieth time, they ain't coming back!
Squeeky-Bobo
Santa! Are you ok?
Squeeky-Bobo
Santa, most of the elves didn't make it.
Santa Claus
Mr. Squeeky-Bobo, make sure my wife is alive.
Squeeky-Bobo
But... Santa... you...
Santa Claus
Do it!
Santa Claus
That is one... naughty... bunny!
Santa Claus
No more Mister jolly guy.
Torg
Well, the bad news is we're low on snake-jerky. The worse news is we're out of water. And what's even worse is...
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Die, roight, yer crypt robbers!
Torg
Hey! We're not crypt robbers! Stop shooting!
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
I always shoot at everyfink that moves, because they are always bad-lads. Unless o' course this is a "cut-scene".
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
No, if this were a "cut-scene", and yer were roight good lads, yer'd be shot by some other bloke by now, roight? And yer'd be better lookin'. Blimey!
Riff
It's the grave-poacher, Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese!
Torg
(She's the cheesy-est!)
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
I'm 'ere ter find the wand of Scubius. Wotcher two doin' 'ere?
Torg
We returned the wand! It's above this snake pit.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
This is a snake pit?
Torg
It used to have snakes.
Riff
Don't want to talk about it.
Riff
We need to find our way out of here. How did you get in?
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
It's easy! Yer 'oist yorself into the chamber above usin' the bloody mummy as a ladder. Then yer 'it the gold ankh at the end of the bloody hall, jump across the lava ter the bloomin' edge, climb up and back-flip before the boulder 'its and 'oist yorselves on the jagged edge caused by the dynamite set on the way dahn.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Then make yor way ter the chuffin' uvver end of the bloody room by leapin' from the broken parts of pillars. Once on the bleedin' uvver side, find the picture of Scubius on the bloomin' wall and rotate 'is..... maybe yer should be writin' this dahn.
Torg
What if we just scream for help a lot?
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Oh 'ell! Roight, as long as yer can 'elp me find the bleedin' wand, I'll escort yer out. Follow me.
Torg
See you later, mummy! It's been real!
Riff
Yeah, stay golden, mummy-boy!
Narr
As our heroes leave the desert tomb, the mummy, with a tear in his eye, begins the 3 day process of uttering the phrase, "all right, which one of you guys kneed me int he groin?"
Torg
You do a lot of this back flipping and hoisting and stuff, don't you.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
It's all I ever seem ter do! Oi! Do yer 'ave any idean 'ow many 'oops I 'ave ter jump frough ter just go food shoppin'?
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Exactly three, and the fird one is on fire! Struth!
Torg
You want to see a fiery death? Try running out of timothy hay when the pet food store is closed!
Torg
It's a pet rabbit thing. You wouldn't understand.
Riff
Um, guys? I could use a little hoisting here.
Torg
Ahhh! Daylight at last!
Riff
Thanks for helping us out of the pyramid, grave poacher!
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Thank yer for 'elpin' me find the bloody artifact I was lookin' for. Come on, then, I'll give yer a ride back to the bleedin' city.
Riff
We could barely keep up with you! I'm surprised you can move so gracefully with the... um... counterweights.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Wotcher mean?
Riff
Well, you know... physics and stuff.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Wotcher talkin' about?
Riff
Well, um... you've got big breasts and...
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Yer sexist bastahd!
Riff
I... did I say "big"? I meant you've got really little breasts... um...
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
Grrrr!
Torg
Now I know why Riff gets so quiet around women.
Torg
Well, thanks for seeing us back home! But you didn't have to come all this way, Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese.
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
It's a'roight, I 'ave business in the bleedin' States anyways.
Riff
Sorry I called you a gun-toting psycho...
Torg
Hey!
Torg
Why the hell did you shoot that chipmunk?
Lara Kroft-Macaroni-And-Cheese
ALl animals are bad lads! Roight! 'eads up! Pigeons!
Torg
Hi Zoë! We're home!
Zoë
Oh my god! I was so worried! I thought you guys were dead!
Torg
Just don't kiss us. That always seems to get us into trouble!
Zoë
Since you smell like you haven't showered in a month, no problem.
Riff
Hey, where's the New Year's Eve party happening this year?
Zoë
With you guys gone, someone outside the complex had to throw it.
Gwynn
Happy New Year!
Torg
Hi Gwynn! We'd like you to meet our bearded and cloaked friend, Chip! Chip has a beard, unlike Riff!