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Torg
The internet. More than just fun and games, it has become the global source of practical uses!
Torg
For example, let's see how Riff makes use of the internet!
Riff
I'm trying to summon the Devil on-line.
Torg
Proves my point. In the new millenium you'll be able to sell your soul in a nanosecond!
Torg
Um... But wouldn't it be easier to just e-mail him?
Riff
Yes! Spam Satan!
Riff
Well Torg, it worked. I succeeded in summoning Satan into my computer.
Torg
How do ya know you got the Satan, instead of a lesser demon?
Riff
He installed Windows 95 on my system.
Torg
Win95? But Riff, you have a Mac!
Riff
Got any holy-water lying around here?
Torg
How goes the Satan-in-the-system thingy?
Riff
Not good, Torg.
Riff
I summoned an archangel into my system to get Satan out. The started a Quake deathmatch and have been in a dead-heat since yesterday. Still can't access my recipes.
Torg
Nice to know the ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with missile launchers!
Riff
Very reassuring.
Torg
How goes the Quake death-match against the Devil, Riff?
Riff
Well, Satan is winning in straight kills.
Riff
... but Chuck just picked up the Ring of Shadows.
Torg
Your archangel is named Chuck?
Riff
Look out for the toxic waste, Chuck!
Torg
I take it "Chuck" is short for "Ground Chuck".
Torg
Hi, Riff! Still got Satan and Chuck-the-archangel death-matching on your system?
Riff
Got rid of them both.
Riff
I put an Alanis Morrisette album in the CD-ROM on endless loop and they both took off after only an hour. Now the CD is jammed and I can't shut it off! I can't even be in the same room with it!
Torg
Well isn't that ironic?
Riff
You realize you are about a year off from that joke being topical.
Torg
Some jokes never get old.
Riff
Others are born that way.
Riff
Well, I managed to get Alanis Morrisette out by putting Gilbert Gottfried in my system, then I put Carrot-Top in to chase Gilbert out. Chased out Carrot-Top by deleteing his props (he is harmless without them).
Riff
Now I have traces of all of them still stuck on my computer. You know how tough it is to remove things completely from Windows. What can I do to get them completely out?
Torg
What about Pauly Shore?
Riff
That would get me out.
Riff
Should I just live with traces of Satan, Chuck the archangel, Alanis Morrisette, Gilbert Gottfried, and Carrot-Top on my system...
Riff
... or should I copy over 100 gigs of nudie pics to back up important documents so I can reinstall my operating system?
Riff
There are some choices no man should have to make.
Torg
Hi riff! How's the system?
Riff
I'm reformatting a Jazz-disk so I can back up important stuff. Then I am going to reinstall my operating system. That should take care of my problems.
Riff
What's in the box?
Torg
Just what this strip needs! I just bought us a cute talking animal! Every strip has one! Meet Bun-Bun, the mini-lop rabbit!
Torg
Think of the marketing capabilities! Dolls, children's educational software...
Riff
It does talk, right?
Torg
Where'd I put that receipt?
Bun-Bun
Jazz-disk? You just reformatted your hard drive, you idiot! You get paid for this crap?
Riff
My God!
Torg
Listen Bun-Bun! You are supposed to be this comic's cute talking animal! Enough with the attitude!
Bun-Bun
Bite me, nerd-boy.
Torg
Maybe he'll me more amiable after I get him neutered.
Bun-Bun
Use the N-word around me again and I'll do it to you with a spoon.
Torg
I am definitely interested in the job, Mr. Hurley. Do you have the URL of the site? Let's jump on-line and take a look!
Torg
... Yes... Ok... Hold on a second, let me switch to the cordless.
Bun-Bun
And instead of cash, you can pay me back with your daughter. She is one cute chicky! She back from college yet? "Mary-Lee the guarantee" we used to call her.
Torg
I'm back! Sorry for the... Hello? Hello?
Torg
I'm sorry Mr. Hurley, we must have been disconnected. You hung up? About your daughter?
Torg
I said what?
Torg
I said no such thing! It was the rabbit! Bad rabbit! Bad Bun-Bun!
Torg
Uh... Did I say rabbit? I meant Rabbi! Bad Rabbi! Bad... Hello? Hello?
Bun-Bun
Shalom, you nebbish!
Torg
I demand my money back! This animal is a miscreant! All I wanted was a cute talking animal for this strip.
Anon
Look buddy, he is cute and he does talk. We ain't responsible for what he says or his attitude. Our return policy is very specific. We only accept returns if they are broken!
Torg
Broken? Hold that thought!
Bun-Bun
I'm outta here!
Riff
Let me get this straight... You tried to break your pet rabbit's head open with a hammer, but he got away, and you want me to help you find him?...
Riff
No prob. I am just finishing up the last hour of a 29 hour animation rendering. When it is done and backed up, I'll help.
Riff
It's gone!
Bun-Bun
Note to self: Be careful chewing through power cables in future...
Anon
Halt! I am a representative of PETA, and how dare you try to harm this poor defenseless and cute creature! You are in danger of severe fines and possible jail time!
Anon
Aw, you poor widdle bunny. Do not fear, we shall release you into the wild where you will be free to frolic with your...
Bun-Bun
What? Outdoors? No cable? No Baywatch?
Torg
Y'know, this almost makes it worth it.
Anon
You can talk? Aggh!!! My eye! My spleen! No!!!
Torg
Look, sorry I tried to brain you the other day, but we can't keep living like this. I brought you here as a peace offering. Can there be peace?
Bun-Bun
That depends. Can I get an alfalfa margarita?
Torg
You got two forms of ID?
Anon 1
... so then my scooter got out from under me. Wham! Right into a car.
Anon 2
Wow. You're lucky to be alive! Trash your bike?
Anon 1
Nah, it was a Yugo.
Bun-Bun
Harleys suck because they are too damn load, and you look like a dork in that outfit!
Torg
It was the rabbit! It was the rabbit!
Torg
What the hell is your problem?
Bun-Bun
If you are looking for an apology, forget it. I am only making observations.
Torg
Well, no more observations on big muscle-bound guys, agreed?
Bun-Bun
Agreed.
Bun-Bun
Hey chicky! Nice butt. I like your butt. Can I grab your butt?
Torg
Well, I went to court today to have Bun-Bun forcibly removed from here.
Riff
How'd it go?
Torg
Well, first Bun-Bun's lawyers said I was an anti-rabbit racist.
Riff
Lawyers do that these days.
Torg
I responded with evidence of Bun-Bun's attitude, and the damage he caused directly and indirectly to myself and my property. The lawyers said I was an anti-pain-in-the-ass racist.
Riff
How'd it turn out?
Bun-Bun
You packed yet, nerd-boy?
Torg
Riff, can I stay with you for a while? Indefinitely?
Torg
Hey, looks like Riff found a replacement for the cute talking animal of the strip.
Riff
Hi Torg! This is Teddy Weddy.
Torg
This is cute?
Riff
You gonna tell him he ain't?
Teddy Weddy
Do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?
Torg
I'm sorry, Mr. Weddy. We can't hire you due to your criminal record.
Teddy Weddy
What criminal record?
Torg
Says here you have knocked over liquor stores.
Teddy Weddy
I don't rob them, I literally knock them over.
Torg
Is that legal?
Teddy Weddy
No, but it's funny. So do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?
Torg
Well, everything seems to be in line here. Have any hobbies?
Teddy Weddy
I chip wood.
Torg
Um, very nice. What's in the bag?
Teddy Weddy
Mr. Wood. So do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?
Torg
Ok, Teddy Weddy. You are hired. Welcome to the family.
Riff
Only thing left is for you to get rid of the old guy.
Teddy Weddy
Ha Ha! No problem!
Bun-Bun
Lets rock, rug-boy.
Anon
Halt! I am a representative of PETA, and how dare you try to harm this poor defenseless and cute creature! You are in danger of severe fines and possible jail time!
Anon
Aw, you poor widdle...
Teddy Weddy
Grrrrrrrr...
Bun-Bun
Y'know, this almost makes it worth it.
Bun-Bun
Ah! You have been training! But I shall prevail, for I know the secret lop-technique, where the mortal blow comes from behind!
Teddy Weddy
Behind?
Bun-Bun
Yup.
Teddy Weddy
You are lunch bunny!
Bun-Bun
I'll turn you into a rug, you cub-cur!
Riff
I'm starting to feel bad about letting that bear eat Bun-Bun.
Torg
After all that rabbit has done to us?
Riff
It's quiet!
Torg
Should we look?
Bun-Bun
Looks like you are stuck with me as your cute talking animal, nerd-boy.
Torg
Well, if you were going to turn him into a rug, you could've made it a bit bigger.
Bun-Bun
At my size, this is all I need.
Torg
Where is the rest of him?
Bun-Bun
Oh, around.
Torg
Around where?!?
Teddy-Weddy
I'd like to renegotiate our previous arrangement...
Riff
I just found a tome of ancient evil in my attic. Since summoning evil into my computer went all wrong, I'm going to try it the old fashioned way.
Riff
Want to come?
Torg
Sure! Need a live sacrifice?
Bun-Bun
Don't make me kick your ass again.
Torg
Then stop eating the damn cards!
Torg
Hi folks! To recap, we are trying to summon an ancient imprisoned demon. When he is freed, the world will be plunged into chaos and darkness.
Torg
What?! It's only "ok" if Bill Gates does it?
Riff
Summoning demons is serious business. We may have to suffer plagues or forfeit our lives. I have to ask you some questions.
Torg
Ok.
Riff
Locusts or frogs?
Torg
Frogs.
Riff
Famine or leprosy?
Torg
Famine.
Riff
Paparazzi or telemarketers?
Torg
Death?
Riff
Ok, we're in agreement then. Let's continue!
Torg
Hey Riff, we about ready to summon this demon?
Riff
Still having problems with the spell-words.
Riff
How do you pronounce this word?
Torg
[...]
Riff
No, that's not quite i. Let me check my notes.
Torg
Um... Excuse me?
Riff
*Whew* This is tough. Well, get ready, I think we are set to summon this demon now.
Riff
By the way, don't worry about the transformation. You should change back to yourself, over time.
Riff
Although there may be some lingering aftereffects.
Riff
I summon thee demon to walk this world. I summon thee by the tome of E-Ville. I summon thee now!
Anon
At last I am free! Free from my eternal prison! Now the world shall be mine! Now I shall...
Torg
Was the demon supposed to appear in the middle of route 80?
Riff
Let's try that again, shall we?
Narr
Through untold terrors, Riff and Torg have finally succeeded in completing their hideous tasks, and can now summon an evil demon, who will destroy the world!
Riff
[...]
Anon
I have been summoned!
Anon
Now, mere mortals, I shall bend this world to my will!
Anon
And for your reward, eternal torment by my hand!
Riff
Hold it! As I have summoned you by the book of E-Ville, you must pay... the price!
Anon
A six-pack?
Riff
A case!
Anon
Here! Now, I must be on my...
Riff
And!?!
Anon
Twenty bucks?
Riff
Twenty bucks.
Anon
Ten, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, nineteen fifty, nineteen seventy-five... Um... Can I borrow a quarter?
Riff
Nope.
Anon
Curses!
Torg
Domestic. Go figure.
Narr
Tune in next week, when Torg and Riff summon Beelzebub for a case of Opus-X cigars and Superbowl tickets.
Torg
What a beautiful, hot day. Not gonna have many more of these.
Riff
This strip needs more women.
Torg
Ah, but we must be careful not to treat the female character as an object. We must handle the fairer sex with sophistication.
Riff
Hey, does the Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match start soon?
Torg
One hour, 12 minutes and 32 seconds.
Riff
This event we will handle with sophistication.
Torg
Yup.
Riff
"Handle" being the operative word.
Torg
Oh man! I forgot the camcorder! You brought the binocs, right?
ZoŽ
Help! I need a phone! I locked my keys in the car with the engine running!
Anon
Could you guys help me? I lost my makeup case in the bushes over there.
Torg
Help wuh-man! ooh-ooh-ooh!
Riff
ooh-ooh-ooh Help wuh-man!
ZoŽ
Y'know, times like these make me want to invest in a push-up bra.
Anon 1
Look honey! These are the nice guys who helped me find my makeup case!
Anon 2
Thanks guys!
Riff
ooh-ooh-ooh! Male in terr-tory!
Riff
Our wuhman! Our terr-tory!
Torg
Next time, lets just fling doody at him from a distance.
Torg
... Um, sorry about your car bying. We acted pretty dumb back there.
ZoŽ
No big deal. I was running on fumes anyway, and you were just being male.
Torg
I'm Torg, and this is Riff.
ZoŽ
I'm ZoŽ...
Anon
Hi guys! We were just going to start our Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match, and we are short two players. Want to join?
ZoŽ
My arm! You are breaking my arm!
Torg/Riff
Game on!
ZoŽ
Not good ZoŽ. First day in a new town and you lock your keys in your car like a moron. Then a couple of neanderthals accidentally sprain your wrist and leave to go play frisbee with a bunch of bikini-clad women.
ZoŽ
Now I am stuck, no friends, no car, no way home.
ZoŽ
Ah, I guess things could be worse.
ZoŽ
Aw, what a cute bunny!
Bun-Bun
You are in my spot, toots. I'm going to have to hurt you on principle.
Anon 1
Let's get this Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match going!
Anon 2
Are we playing frisbee or not?
Anon 3
Come on!
Riff
Torg, you coming?
Anon 4
What is the hold up?
Anon 5
Let's go!
Torg
Here I am, ready to go! Let's get this match underway! Let's... I'll...
Torg
... I'll go change.
Anon 6
You told him it was part of the rules, right?
Riff
We'll be shirts, you be skins?
Anon 1
Stop him!
Anon 2
Get him!
Anon 3
Pile on!
Anon 4
The frisbee is ours! Sheila, go long!
Riff
Torg, you moron! You just let them tackle you!
Torg
What do you care, you're on the other team!
Riff
I just wish I'd thought of it!
ZoŽ
Ok, let's recap this day. Locked my keys in the car with the engine running until it diead, had my wrist sprained by a couple of jerks, and got beat up by a rabbit.
ZoŽ
Not bad for my first day... Ahhh!
ZoŽ
What the...
ZoŽ
Addendum to recap: Trampled by a bunch of...
ZoŽ
Second addendum to...
Bun-Bun
Guess I didn't make myself clear the first time. Prepare to die.
Torg
Hi Riff! What're you working on?
Riff
A dimensional flux agitator. It opens rifts in random reality paths.
Riff
Basically, Torg, I can blow anything I want into another dimension forever.
Torg
What's the alfalfa-hay for?
Bun-Bun
Alfalfa? My favourite! Hey, what are you jerks looking at?
Torg
Riff, I like the way you think.
Riff
When I press this button, everything to the right of my dimensional flux agitator will be blown into a random dimension forever.
Bun-Bun
Huh?
Torg
Later, Bun-Bun!
Riff
Catch ya on the flip side, rat!
Riff
Did I say "to the right...?" Let me check my notes.
Torg
What do you mean we are trapped here?!?
The Collective
Join us.
The Collective
Be one with the Collective.
The Collective
One mind... One will...
The Collective
Be one with the Collective.
Riff
Maybe these guys can help us...
The Collective
Join us. Be one with us... Resistance is just plain stupid. Prepare to be absorbed.
Torg
Friendly sort aren't they.
Anon 1
Captain, we have lost shields and the planet is preparing to pull us in! We don't stand a chance!
Anon 2
I'll not surrender to these half-machine Collective bastards! Prepare to self-destruct!
Anon 3
Sir! This is odd. It appears that the Collective have stopped their attack... and are having a keg-party sir.
Anon 2
What?!?
The Collective
Wasting away in margarita-ville...
The Collective
I must speak with, Collective brothers. Since you have come among us, all we have done is drink fermented hopps beverages and ogle scantily clad females. This has seriously jeopardized our goal of the all-Collective.
The Collective
We've never had to do this before...
The Collective
We are kicking you out.
Torg
Can we keep the toys?
The Collective
No.
Riff
Well, here we are, trapped on the planet of the Collective, who want nothing to do with us, and us with no way home.
Torg
I have to take a leak.
Torg
Gee, it was nice of the Confederation to beam us off that planet! Do you think they will help us find a way home?
Riff
But Torg, you just peed on the Captain.
Anon 1
I am sorry we cannot help you get home to your dimension. We have a pressing mission to get cough-syrup to a dying planet.
Anon 1
Will you two be ok? Our universe can be a dangerous place if you are not careful.
Riff
No problem. Careful is our middle name.
Torg
No, you have no honor!
Narr
As Torg and Riff journey through space on the Confederation starship, they take advantage of the ship's information database to find a way home. As Riff puts it, "It's like the Internet."
Torg
Hey, there is nothing in here but prnography and fan sites for some show call "The Bleck-Files!" This is nothing like our Internet!
Narr
From the information they learn, in combination with the wealth of knowledge shared by the Collective, they determine there is no way to create the dimensional flux they need to get home. However, in this dimension, the fluxes occur naturally in space. Being dropped off at a nearby space-port, Torg and Riff attempt to hire a ride.
Riff
I don't care what that farm-boy offered you, we'll double it!
Narr
Of course having no currency, this becomes a problem.
Narr
Having no other option, Riff finds the one ship that goes to the dimensional flux as a course of standard action, another Confederation ship, the UCP Wastestar Toxica! Riff finds the Confederation to be a fair and noble version of humanity, trusting and compassionate...
Torg
Trusting and compassionate?
Riff
Gullible. I lied on our resumes and got us jobs on the ship.
Riff
We are the new engineering crew!
Torg
Engineering? Riff, I can't even turn on the TV in this place!
Torg
Let me get this straight...
Torg
This ship goes to the dimensional rift and dumps toxic waste into random dimensions?
Riff
Yeah, but we need to get to the rift if I am going to get us home!
Torg
Wait a minute, according to the manifest, this ship is carrying first season Voyager scripts! That's not toxic waste!
Riff
That's debatable.
First Officer Brenas
Hello Chief Riff, Lt. Torg. I am First Officer Brenas. I trust you have been briefed on the engineering protocols on this ship.
Torg
Scantily clas sci-fi chicks are cool!
Riff
Scantily clas sci-fi chicks are cool!
First Office Brenas
Actually, I am a male of my species.
Torg
Aw, you think what you want.
Riff
Could you jump up and down for us, mister?
Torg
I'm not grasping any of this. How do we fake being engineers for this ship?
Riff
Just make up big words and sound important.
Anon
Men. How goes the diagnostics?
Riff
Captain, the dylithiam matrix is flooded with gamma-gozer rays, so we just need to lock the stabalizorama to the nth degree.
Torg
...hypdrochloric gear shift is downloading some type of chocolate doh-doh waves...
Anon
Very well, carry on.
Torg
Wow. This dimension is not very different than our own!
Riff
Did you say chocolate?
Torg
So, how long before we reach the flux and get home?
Riff
About two weeks, so relax.
Anon
Chief Riff, it appears all the food-o-matics on deck 8 will only produce beer and nuts.
Riff
You're welcome!
Anon
Chief Riff, either stop using the transporter to beam Trolorian go-go dancers to the engine room, or I will be forced to alert the Captain.
Riff
Beam her into space?
Torg
Naw, just her clothes.
Anon
Crew, we have a dilemma. We have lost contact with space station 9-Bab-5, and station systems are down. We ahve orders to assess the situation.
Anon
We will be sending some expendable crew members to investigate, and the engineers to get the main systems running.
Torg
Bamn, keep forgetting we're the engineers.
Dykowski
Well, it sure as hell beats being "expendable!"
Anon 1
It's been an hour, and the station power is still off. Any word from the away-team?
Anon 2
Not a word, Captain.
Anon 2
Of course, it's tough to hear over all the screaming.
Anon 1
Well, let me know if they say something.
Riff
Captain! The station crew has disappeared, and the station is crawling with aliens! We are picking them off no prob in zero-G, but if they got planet-side...
Anon 1
Have you tried communicating with them, Chief Riff?
Riff
But sir, they are ugly and really weird looking!
Anon 1
Very well, continue firing.
Riff
Yes sir!
Anon 3
Yes sir!
Dykowski
Lt. Torg, looks like we have them beat!
Torg
Dykowski! Look out for that face-hugger!
Torg
Uffa! Did I say face hugger?
Riff
Command, we need a proctologist now!
Anon 1
Well, Captain, I can't remove the alien from Dykowski. It appears to be some form of leech, and it has concentrated orange juice for blood.
Anon 2
Is that good or bad?
Anon 1
Bad! It's the homestyle kind.
Anon 2
With pulpy bits? Eeewwww!
Anon 1
An alien burst out Dykowski, and it's eating the crew!
Anon 2
Eek! An alien!
Anon 3
Run!
Torg
Wow! It knows to go after the extras first!
Riff
All aliens do.
Anon
Ok crew, we have a xenomorph on board. First Officer Brenas will update you all.
First Officer Brenas
Thank you captain. Troops, I'll be brief.
Anon
My, that was brief, Brenas. Very well crew, run for your lives.
Anon 1
We are doing more damage to the ship than the alien!
Anon 2
Chief Riff, how many crew left?
Riff
Ten, sir!
Anon 3
This thing just moves too fast!
Riff
Nine, sir!
Anon 2
I can count from here!
Anon
Torg, I'm worried! The crew has been dropping like flies!
Torg
Riff and the Captain are on top of this. We just have to stay alert and guard this area against that alien.
Torg
And besides, maybe after we're relieved, I was thinking we might stop by the holo-cafe for a drink.
Anon
Torg! Report to engine operations! ... Torg! ... Torg!
Torg
On my way, and thank god for dandruff shampoo!
Torg
I should be safe. No way the alien could get in here.
Torg
By the way, I'm not going to turn around so you can get the satisfaction of seeing me gasp in fear before sucking my brains out.
Aylee
Fine, I'll just find someone who will!
Anon
It got Doc!
Riff
We gotta move!
Torg
Hi guys!
Riff
We're the only ones left!
Anon
Make sure that door is sealed!
Anon
Once you guys are killed, demonstrating the alien's invulnerability, I will discover how to destroy it, thus saving the universe.
Torg
What makes you think you'll be the last to survive?
Anon
I am the handsome masculine lead! I have top billing! You guys are the ones whose pitiful deaths set me on my path of vengeance.
Torg
Well, we're dimensional travelers with more interesting characterization! You are a shallow stereotype needing no development at all!
Anon
What is this? A sci-fi thriller or a goofy buddy movie?
Torg
The defense rests.
Riff
Look! Big guns!
Torg
Yup, these guns should take care of that alien no prob.
Riff
Maybe we should quit wasting time blowing up random things with these guns and get back to hunting it down.
Torg
Look! My gun has a missile launcher!
Riff
Ok, five more minutes...
Riff
If that alien attacks at the wrong moment... We have to get rid of it before we hit the dimensional flux.
Torg
How do we do that?
Riff
I have a plan!
Riff
We lure it into the docking bay, open the airlock, and grab on to something.
Torg
How do we lure it?
Torg
Holks, if you are ever in the same situation, don't be the one to ask that question.
Torg
Ahhh! It's right on me! Blow the airlock!
Riff
Airlock release now!
Riff
Update to plan... Grab hold of something, then open airlock...
Riff
Whew! We are lucky the air-lock safety-fields clamped down before we all got sucked into space!
Riff
We're in the dimensional flux!
Torg
We ahve to open the portal now!
Aylee
I have to eat you guys!
Torg
Is it dead?
Riff
Not sure. Get real close and nudge it with your foot. If it springs up and eats you, I'll know it ain't dead.
Riff
I gotta get that field set up so the dimensional flux takes us home.
Torg
Could I just throw a show at it?
Riff
Torg, the field is open! We have to move now!
Torg
But the alien is still alive!
ZoŽ
... Yes, mom. Everything is just fine. That was weeks ago. I feel fine. No, mom, I haven't met the neighbors yet.
ZoŽ
... Yes ... No ... Mom I should warn you, I've been having problems with this phone so we might get cut-off unexpectedly...
ZoŽ
She's probably right. I've been here a month and the neighbors haven't bothered to say hi yet. Maybe I'll just make the first move.
ZoŽ
Hi! I'm ZoŽ. I live next....
Riff
Get back here you alien slime-bag!
Torg
Hey, don't I know you? ...
Torg
Oh yeah, the girl from the park! Didn't recognize you conscious, upright and unmangled.
Torg
Hey, how you feeling?
ZoŽ
Uggha...
Torg
Sorry for that laser-cannon-alien-monster thing...
ZoŽ
You're the guy from the park! You sprained my wrist and tried to trample me to death!
Bun-Bun
Howdy, nerd-boy! bring me any souvenirs from the flip-side?
ZoŽ
Keep that rabbit away from me!
Riff
Hey, Sam Sein is having a halloween bash tonight. The whole complex is invited!
Bun-Bun
Can we go steady?
ZoŽ
I can't believe I am actually going to a halloween party with those guys! Well, it is a party for the whole complex. So it's not like I needed their invitation...
ZoŽ
Ha! This will give those guys something to be sexist and neanderthal about!
Torg
Great! Now I have to go change.
Riff
Good job ZoŽ. We are late as it is!
Bun-Bun
Hubba hubba.
Sam
Hey Torg! Hey Riff! Love that costume!
Torg
Hey Sam! Nifty halloween party!
Sam
Yeah, I went all out! You like the smoke machine?
Torg
Well...
Sam
Imagine, letting this baby go for 50% just case the level-adjust is busted!
Torg
Riff, do you think it was a good idea to leave Bun-Bun in charge of handing out candy back at my apartment?
Anon
They say someone named "Torg" stole their candy at gun-point. He lives over there...
Bun-Bun
Uh-oh. Time to take this show on the road.
Riff
Torg! It's the alien! It's here!
Torg
Whew! It's just a costume.
Riff
Still, keep those blasters handy, just incase.
Torg
I wouldn't worry. That alien is long gone by now.
Aylee
Oh, look at the time. Gotta run!
ZoŽ
Hey Torg, how did you get out of that clown costume so fast?
ZoŽ
Bun-Bun!?!? That costume is incredible!
Anon
Excuse me, have you seen this man? Goes by the name Torg. Wanted for armed robbery.
Bun-Bun
The clown in the back.
Anon
Right... By the way, nice shrunken bunny-head costume.
Bun-Bun
Thanks, officer!
Torg
Wow... Heh heh... Um... Sure sucks to be in jail on halloween, eh? ...Um ...Er
Anon 1
Yeah it sure does! That's a cool costume by the way!
Torg
Thanks! And speaking of which...
Anon 2
Not wearing a costume.
Anon 3
The evil is here!
Anon 3
Ask the pope in the woods.
Anon 3
The bars hold us to the place!
Anon 3
The clock drags us to the time! I see them! This is their grave.
Anon 3
I like pistachio ice cream. There is evil here! I see them, can't you? Maybe your eyeballs are in the way! Pluck, pluck...
Anon 1
What the hell is this guy talking about?
Torg
Something about ghosts or something?
Anon 1
Ghosts!?! Eek!!!
Anon 2
Aaaah!
Anon 4
You alone can see and hear me.
Anon 4
Know that this one is now mine!
Anon 4
Perhaps you will be next!
Anon 3
Eeek!!
Anon 5
Torg, you have a visitor.
Anon 5
It's your lawyer.
Anon 4
Aaaah!
Torg
I'm glad you came to help me but I'm a bit broke right now.
Anon 6
Eek!!
Sam
Torg! You're out of jail already!
Riff
Hey Sam!
Torg
Sam Sein!
Torg
Yeah, everyone saw me at the party so my alibi was air tight.
Sam
Um... Is ZoŽ around?
Torg
Haven't seen her.
Torg
Bye Sam!
Riff
Later!
ZoŽ
Thanks guys, I owe you one.
Sam
I'm still here.
ZoŽ
Doh.
Sam
Aw, come on, how about it? Go out with me! Come on, right now! I know this great bar...
ZoŽ
I can't go now... I don't have... my... shoes on.
Sam
No problem! I brought some with me! Size eight, right?
ZoŽ
I'm never going to live this one down.
Sam
All right, fine. DOn't go out with me now, but don't worry, I'll win you over! You will be mine!
ZoŽ
Can you believe that pompous jerk? What a...
Sam
I'm still here. Putting my jacket on, haven't left the room yet. Almost there...
ZoŽ
I can't believe you are ok with Bun-Bun framing you for armed robbery and getting you sent to jail.
Torg
It's really no big deal.
ZoŽ
What are you reading?
Torg
A cookbook.
Torg
"Smoked Rabbit with Rosemary" ...mmmm-mmm!
Bun-Bun
I'm reading "How To Serve Man," myself.
Bun-Bun
Fine, give me the silent treatment nerd-boy! See if I care. So I framed you. It's not like you were in jail for that long.
Bun-Bun
I am outta here!
Riff
Torg! Animal services just picked up your rabbit! Said he was biting the butts of people all over town!
Torg
How could Bun-Bun do that, Mr. Sock-Lop?
Torg
What a baaad bunny! I should bite his butt!
ZoŽ
Torg, I have all new respect for you!
Torg
Hey, I just got a letter saying Bun-Bun is being shipped out of animal services. Seems he put half the staff members in the hospital. They're sending him for "cosmetics animal testing."
Torg
Now that is just damn bizarre!
Riff
I was thinking inhumane. You do know they mean "cosmetics", not "cosmetic surgery", right?
Bun-Bun
Man, I can't believe this. Animal testing.
Cinny-Bun
Animal testing! Do you know what this means?
Cinny-Bun
I haven't studied!
Cinny-Bun
My GPA is gonna go straight to hell!
Bun-Bun
There goes Harvard.
Narr
Day 1 of Bun-Bun testing
Irving Schlock
11-5-97, Dr. Schlock acting. Subject: 38AD-3UN-5. Today I will be testing the effects of formula 3Y35 mascara and eyeliner. Due to its slightly radioactive nature, it may kill the specimen.
Irving Schlock
It might only react badly to the rabbit's skin, but if so, I owe Dr. Talbot 5 bucks! Hoo hoo hoo!
Bun-Bun
Meanwhile, I'll be testing the accuracy of the redlight-sight on my glock.
Anon 1
We have a medical emergency, Dr. Schlock's lab!
Anon 2
Get the med-kit, a mop, and a priest!
Narr
Day 2 of Bun-Bun testing
Irving Schlock
11-5-97, Subject: 38AD-3UN-5. Today I will test the effects of my new "air-pills." I will submerge the specimen in a tank of water to see how long it takes it to drown.
Anon 2
Quick, grab the med-kit and the defibrillator!
Anon 1
Dr. Schlock again?
Narr
Day 3 of Bun-Bun testing
Dr. Schlock
Today I wll be testing a new vaccine to cure a rare and terminal childhood illness. Assuming, of course, that the rabbit is cooperative. I only hope it realizes the importance of this test.
Bun-Bun
All right Doc. You got me. This is a test that should be performed.
Narr
Later...
Bun-Bun
11-7-97, Subject: Jerkfaceidjit. Dr. Schlock did not respond well to the medication, but there are many other test to do, and he looks fabulous in mascara.
ZoŽ
So, what do you guys do, exactly?
Torg
I'm a freelance web designer, and Riff here, ...well, ...he sorta builds stuff, dimensional portals, ...summons demons...
Torg
What do you do?
Riff
No comment.
Torg
"Freelance bum."
Riff
What about you ZoŽ? What's your deal?
ZoŽ
I'm a communications major at the university. I'm trying to get a job as an intern at a radio station in the city.
Torg
An intern? Isn't that where you just run errands amd make coffee for no pay?
ZoŽ
No! That's where you are a valued member of a team. I'll be gaining professional experience and earning credits.
Anon
Sorry, not enough experience.
ZoŽ
For making coffee?
Sam
So, Bun-Bun ended up as a lab animal huh?
Torg
He's gone for good. That's all I know.
Sam
"I wonder what type of experiments they did on him."
Riff
"Maybe they just tested him for kindness and it killed him."
Torg
"Maybe they made him into some kind of mutant freak."
Sam
"In any case, he probably died hating you, Torg."
Sam
Torg, you sure you don't want to come into the city with us?
Torg
Naw, I think I'll just walk home and watch some tv.
Sam
Man! Can't believe he is that bummed over Bun-Bun.
Bun-Bun
Change the channel to Baywatch now!
Bun-Bun
Ok, now we are even. Luckily the lab wasn't Fort Knox or nothing. It was easy to free all the other animals and escape.
Torg
Other animals? Where???
Bun-Bun
You think I'd bring those dorks here? They are more boring that you, nerd-boy!
Torg
So what happened to them?
Anon
Where the hell is the freaking stereo remote?
Dr. Lorna
Welcome to the Doctor Lorna show, where touch love is our motto. Don't forget to pick up my new book, Ten Reasons Why You Are Valueless Without My Help!
Dr. Lorna
Our next caller is Tim. Hi Tim!
Tim
Hi Dr. Lorna. My girlfriend is 14 and...
Dr. Lorna
You cradle robber! Does it feel good? Does it? That girl has parents that care about her, and here you are thinking with your privates like a total jerk! Do you know what you are doing to her?
Tim
But...
Dr. Lorna
But I think you have a lot of growing up to do, not her. We have to go to a commercial break before my head explodes!
Reggie
We're clear!
Dr. Lorna
Can you believe that guy?
Reggie
Um... Lorna? That caller was 12
ZoŽ
Hey guys! I finally got a gig! I'm assistant call-screener for the Dr. Lorna show!
Torg
Dr. Lorna? Bleck!
ZoŽ
You've heard of her?
Riff
Nope, don't know what you're talking about.
Torg
She spends all day allowing people to bring her their problems so she can tell them how better she is than them.
Riff
What a nimrod.
Dr. Lorna
Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Sally
Hi, Dr. Lorna. My name is Sally. I have a husband...
Dr. Lorna
"A" husband? Does he not have a name my dear?
Dr. Lorna
Or does he mean nothing more to you than any other object. Do you have "a" stereo? "A" tv?
Sally
But he...
Dr. Lorna
He? Maybe the problem is you!
ZoŽ
It's called touch love!
Torg
It's called moral egotism!
ZoŽ
Well, it's good money.
Torg
I didn't know interns made any money.
ZoŽ
Torg, just leave me alone.
Bun-Bun
Hey, I hear Howard Stern is looking for an intern that looks good in a thong.
Dr. Lorna
This is Dr. Lorna. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon
You have a lot of nerve telling people how to live their lives...
Dr. Lorna
How'd you get past our screener?
Anon
I know about some skeletons in your closet!
Dr. Lorna
Judge not lest me judge you a new butt-hole buddy!
Dr. Lorna
How do you like your first day as assistant call screener, ZoŽ?
ZoŽ
Oh, I like it, Dr. Lorna, a lot!
Dr. Lorna
Please, call me Lorna.
ZoŽ
I have a question though.
ZoŽ
Why is it you only allow people to call in once, and never allow them on air again?
Dr. Lorna
ZoŽ, there are so many people who need my help, it would be cruel to deny new callers the chance by allowing old ones to call back.
Reggie
And besides, so few survive the trauma of her advice.
Dr. Lorna
You are on thin ice, Reggie.
Dr. Lorna
So, you see now how that one incredibly kinky affair you had in your youth has ruined your marrage. You have to get over that trollop.
Joey
Thanks, you're right, Dr. Lorna.
Dr. Lorna
I know.
Dr. Lorna
You have to confront that hussy, and gain closure on your life.
Joey
But... but that's why I called! It was you, Lorna! Remember me from highscho...
Dr. Lorna
Kshhhhht. Hello? Dshhhhht. Gshhhhhhhh crackle kshhhhtshhht. Aw, Joey was disconnected! Must have called from a car phone!
Anon
Yeah, well, I've done so many women, I've lost count. Wilt Chamberlain would have to take trigonometry to even understand, but I...
Dr. Lorna
You are such a stud. You #@$% son of a bitch! I'm so mad that I'd grab your #@$% privates and fondue you in a second! Commercial break!
Dr. Lorna
Sorry I lost my cool guys! Did you use the seven second delay to edit that?
Reggie
Yeah, we got it. We had to cut it twice.
Dr. Lorna
"You are such a stud that I'd do you in a second! Commercial break!"
Bun-Bun
Wow. Must be sweeps week!
Dr. Lorna
We have Torg on the line. Dr. Lorna here.
Bun-Bun
Hi Dr. Lorna. I have this problem. I am a total nerd who spends all day in front of my computer.
Bun-Bun
I have no life, no friends, and no libido.
Dr. Lorna
Really, Torg? Go on.
Bun-Bun
The only thing I have going for me is my pet rabbit.
Dr. Lorna
Rabbit?
Torg
All right, Bun-Bun, drop the phone now!
Dr. Lorna
Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon
I have a stromboli here...
Dr. Lorna
You pig! You filthy pig!
Reggie
Sorry, Lorna, that call was mine. I ordered italian.
Reggie
I'm fired, right?
Dr. Lorna
Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon
Hi Doctor Lorna. I have a serious problem. My boyfriend is married.
Anon
He keeps saying he is going to leave her, but never does. Do I pressure him? I couldn't leave him, I love him so much.
Dr. Lorna
At times like these, I think a quote out of my book might serve for some insight into this dilemma.
Dr. Lorna
"You dumb, stupid freaking idiot! Stupid fool,..."
Dr. Lorna
"...are we smart enough to dress ourselves? Dumb, feeble-whitted, stupid, backward..."
ZoŽ
Hi Riff.
Riff
Hey ZoŽ! Just stopped by to say hello, see what's up. Any plans for thanksgiving?
ZoŽ
Not really but...
Riff
Bad time?
ZoŽ
Um, no... Good time, actually!
ZoŽ
I've been promoted! Sort of.
ZoŽ
I still have my classes, but otherwise I'll be handling most of the call-screenings for Dr. Lorna!
ZoŽ
She's here now! She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to pick up some notes I was working on. Want to meet her?
Riff
Aw, damn, left a hot-pocket in the microwave! I gotta run!
Dr. Lorna
Riffington!
ZoŽ
"Riffington?"
Riff
Hi, mom.
Dr. Lorna
You must spend thanksgiving with me and meet your step-brother!
ZoŽ
"Mom?"
ZoŽ
Dr. Lorna is Riff's Mom?
Torg
I had no idea! His dad remarried when he was, like, 10 or something. I never knew his biological mom.
Torg
We always hung around my place.
ZoŽ
She must have had him young! She still looks like she's under 40.
ZoŽ
I wonder why he...
Torg
Now that I think about it, I distinctly remember the term "psycho-bitch" being thrown around in kindergarten!
Sam
So, word is that you aren't doing anything for thanksgiving! Me either, but I already bought a turkey...
Sam
Look for the sign man! "No" means she really hates you, but "yes" means she secretly wants you!
Sam
Would you like to spend thanksgiving with me? Nothing fancy or...
ZoŽ
Sure! Torg can come, right?
Sam
Torg? Sure! Tell him to bring that rabbit with him too.
Sam
Damn Torg! Now I have no idea how to interpret this!
ZoŽ
I really hate him!
ZoŽ
Wow, you went all out, Sam! The turkey looks delicious!
Sam
Thanks!
Torg
Hey Sam, I thought Bun-Bun had stuck you with a bunch of escaped lab animals. What happened to them?
Bun-Bun
Veggies, yum!!
Sam
Actually they are in my bedroom. I called some people from P.E.T.A. to pick them up. They should be here soon.
Torg
P.E.T.A.? Cover the bird!!!!
Anon 1
Sam! We are here! Oh my god!
Anon 1
Avert your eyes, friends, from the massacre before us!
Anon 2
Let's stuff and roast them!
Narr
On one side, die-hard members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. On the other, a rag-tag band of men, a woman and a rabbit, with but one rally cry:
All
Defend the bird!
Narr
And the fight for the thanksgiving turkey had begun!
Dr. Lorna
I'm so glad you could spend thanksgiving with us, Riffington. I know I only had a chance to raise you for 9 years, but still, look how well adjusted you are!
Riff
Mom! I literally summon demons to keep myself from buying a shotgun and permanently emptying a Taco Bell!
Dr. Lorna
But look! No smoking, no piercings, no ebonics...
Narr
And so, the battle was done.
Narr
The P.E.T.A. members were driven out and the turkey was saved.
Narr
But at what cost?
Bun-Bun
Yup, nerd-boy, the stuffing is ruined!
Torg
Damn them! Damn them all!
Dr. Lorna
Hope you are enjoying spending thanksgiving with us, son. Aren't you impressed with my home and family? Don't you wish you were raised by me and not that man and the floozy he shacked up with?
Riff
Could you pass the yams?
Anon
I'm better than him right mommy?
Dr. Lorna
It isn't polite to rub it in, dear.
ZoŽ
Torg, what are you thankful for?
Torg
Hmmm. Hand't thought about it. I'm thankful for thick porterhouse steaks. Yum! Actually, I guess I'm thankful for life! I should try to remember to appreciate what I have every day.
Sam
Me, I'm thankful for freedom, pure and simple. I only wish I didn't take the freedom we have for granted all the time.
ZoŽ
I'm thankful for... friends. I didn't have any when I first came here. I'm thankful for you guys. I just wish you wouldn't get me into such crazy situations all the time.
Bun-Bun
You guys are all losers. You say "I'm thankful," but you have to stipulate it in some way. "I just wish..." Not me. What I am thankful for is pure and unalienable. It is a right for which I have nothing but gratitude.
Bun-Bun
The right to shoot all telemarketers on site!
Torg
That's not a right! That's not even legal.
Bun-Bun
Then I'm thankful I haven't been caught yet.
ZoŽ
Between work and school, I am burning out majorly! I need to rest.
Torg
Riff and I got this house in the woods for the weekend. You should come!
Torg
There's nothing to do there but relax.
ZoŽ
Nothing weird will happen, right?
Torg
A house in the woods? What could go wrong?
Riff
What the hell was that?
ZoŽ
A cow?
Torg
I think it was supposed to be an ominous crash of thunder.
Riff
I think this comic needs a new sound-guy.
ZoŽ
Wow, this house is great. Thanks for inviting me Torg.
ZoŽ
I can already feel the stress just drifting away.
Riff
Quick, we need to board up the windows. The dead have come to life and are shambling this way!
Torg
ZoŽ, you are breaking me hand! I'm going to need this hand to fight off hordes of undead! Let go!!
ZoŽ
The phone is dead.
ZoŽ
Someone must have cut the wire!
Torg
Or chewed through the wire!
Riff
What about the rifle? Isn't there a rifle here?
Bun-Bun
I chewed that too.
Torg
You chewed apart an entire rifle?
Bun-Bun
Hey, I'm a bunny. I chew stuff! Deal with it!
Riff
Torg, we are running out of boards! Unhinge some doors, we can use them to block the big windows!
Torg
Roger!
ZoŽ
Why are we bothering to board up windows?
Riff
It's what you do! Haven't you seen undead movies? This will keep us safe unless we do something stupid!
Torg
I got a door!
Riff
Torg! Not the front door!
ZoŽ
Hey, doesn't everyone die in those movies?
Riff
Well, we are safe. The zombies are boarded out. Now we just wait till sunrise.
Torg
What happens at sunrise?
Riff
They all turn to dust.
Torg
I thought that was vampiers.
Riff
Doh! Let me check my notes.
ZoŽ
Wasn't there something about feeding them after midnight?
Torg
No, that's gremlins.
Torg
I remember! You hold a mirror in from of them, and they turn to stone!
Riff
No, that's lawyers.
ZoŽ
We're trapped! We're going to die here! You had something to do with this, Riff!
Riff
I have no idea what caused the dead to spring to life, so back off!
Torg
Guys! Look what you're doing! If we turn on each other, we are all doomed! Keep it together, people!
Bun-Bun
Hey guys, there's only one slice of pizza left!
Narr
Submitted for your approval. Three young adults and a rabbit, trapped in a house in the woods, surrounded by undead. No connection to the outside world. Supplies are low and tensions are high.
Narr
Bit it is not the terror outside that concerns us, but the internal struggle of one man, attempting to come to grips with his reality. Let us watch his emotional transformation.
Riff
They're breaking in!
Narr
Shock:
Riff
Torg! Torg!
ZoŽ
Over here too!
Bun-Bun
I'm on it!
Narr
Denial:
Torg
This is not happening! Everything is ok! Ha ha ha ha!
Riff
Torg! Help!
Narr
Guilt:
Torg
I should have been more prepared! I should have known this would happen!
Narr
Rage:
Torg
Damn you! This is your fault! I'm going to kill you!
Narr
Sorrow:
Torg
I'm sorry Riff, I... I just can't...
Narr
And finally, acceptance:
Riff
Look, Torg, I'm sorry I drank your last beer.
Torg
That's ok, I'm over it. I snagged ZoŽ's last wine cooler.
ZoŽ
This is not happening! Everything is ok! Ha ha ha ha!
Narr
A simple case of no more beer, or a deeper statement on the nature of humanity?
Narr
Nothing is what it seems... in the Sluggy Zone.
Torg
I just double checked everything for the third time.
Torg
There is no way for the living dead to into this house.
Riff
Uh... What about the back door?
Torg
Doh!
Anon 1
Ow! Hey, you @*%%$*$
Anon 2
What the hell is your problem?
Anon 1
Why didja knock my mask off?
Anon 3
Where's the camera, anyway?
Anon
You thought we were real? We were paid a load of money to dress up as zombies and try to get into this house. We thought it was part of performance art! The rabbit said...
Riff
Bun-Bun!
Torg
Bun-Bun!
ZoŽ
Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun
What? I'm the only malicious rabbit around? This is the woods you know!
Anon
Naw, that ain't him.
ZoŽ
There's another rabbit????
Anon
Oh wait, it was him.
Bun-Bun
You just lost your tip, buddy.
Bun-Bun
Remember back when I spent time in that experimental lab? Well, I sort-of picked up a contract job creating the ultimate soldier for the military. Soldiers that could not die, because they were already dead!
Bun-Bun
My tests didn't really work. So I hired these yo-yos from the local community college to pretend they were undead. The military should be here to check on my work any moment.
Anon
We're outta here!
Torg
Good going Bun-Bun. What are you going to do when this general shows up?
Bun-Bun
I'll just refuse the 15 million he's bringing for us.
General Mayhem
Only 2 of them, Professor Bun?
Torg
Oooooo! We are zombies! Oooo!
Riff
Oooooo! We are zombies! Oooo!
ZoŽ
I can't believe you hired scientists to raise the dead to be soldiers! I thought the military was made up of brave people. Where is your honor?
General Mayhem
Sorry, Miss. You have to understand, there are basically two divisions in the collective we call "the military." There is the heroic military, as represented in most of you early war movies, and the conspiratorial military (filled with subterfuge and deception), as represented in bad sci-fi films and the X-Files.
ZoŽ
And you would be from...
General Mayhem
General Mayhem! Pleased ta meetcha!
Anon
General! It's the press! Quick! Hide the specimens!
Qwirky Waltons
General, is it true you have been conducting experiments to raise the dead for military purposes?
General Mayhem
No comment.
Qwirky Waltons
What's under that sheet, General?
Torg
Psst! Look Riff, its a military "cover-up!"
Riff
He doesn't want to make a "blanket" statement! Hehe
Qwirky Waltons
You plan to use the dead in military actions by having the assault the enemy with gut-wrenching puns? This is even more insidious that I thought?
Torg
Hey! Quilt making fun of us!
Riff
Like we give a sheet what you think!
General Mayhem
Here comes the helicopter. Let's get these two onboard quicly. They are due for dissection at 0300.
Torg
Dissection? What the hell? No way!
Riff
Dissection? What the hell? No way!
General Mayhem
Professor Bun! You didn't tell me these zombies could talk and think for themselves! We need soldiers! This experiment is a total failure!
Bun-Bun
So I'm not getting the money?
Anon
Ok General, come with us. You are under military arrest.
General Mayhem
You have no idea who you are dealing with, or what this is about!
Anon
You stole millions from the military and have been paying scientists to try and raise the dead to make super soldiers.
General Mayhem
You think I work alone? There are others! If you want to know the truth you will have to...
Anon
One of your drinking buddies came up with it over a plate of microwaved pizza-rolls, and you thought it was a good idea.
General Mayhem
Doh!
General Mayhem
But look! The experiment worked! There's the zombies!
Anon
You guys zombies?
Torg
Um, no.
Riff
Monday mornings only.
General Mayhem
There's a conspiracy here! I'm telling you!
Anon
Let's just move along.
General Mayhem
The rabbit! He's in this as much as I am!
Anon
A rabbit. Right.
Riff
Well, the weekend's over. Time to go back to work.
ZoŽ
What about my relaxing weekend!? I'm more stressed than before!
Torg
Don't worry. I'll drive you home. You can get some rest on the way.
Torg
Besides, the military helicopter landed on your car.
Torg
Hey Sam! And who is this?
Sam
This is Kiki, my pet ferret! From the lab, remember?
Kiki
Hiya!
Torg
What happened to the other animals?
Sam
I found a way for them to make me money?
Torg
A bunch of talking escaped lab animals... The talk show circuit? Jerry Springer?
Sam
Not exactly...
Anon 1
I don't want Amway.
Anon 2
Don't say the name right away!
Anon 3
Quick, show him the circle of exponential profit!
Kiki
I'm going to find Bun-Bun! I never thanked him for freeing me from the medical lab!
Torg
um... I don't know ...um...
Sam
Was that gun-fire?
Torg
"I don't know if it is such a good idea to let your ferret play with Bun-Bun, since he is in a really bad mood and cleaning his gun"... That's what I should have said!
Sam
I don't know if it is a good idea for Kiki and Bun-Bun to play.
Torg
Why is that?
Sam
I've heard that ferrets can kill bunnies. I mean, they probably just play with them innocently, but the rabbit can have a heart attack and die.
Kiki
My heart!!!
Bun-Bun
Aw, I'm just playing with you.
Torg
Hey Sam! How's Kiki?
Sam
She's still a bit shell-shocked from hanging with Bun-Bun.
Kiki
Kspltzy!
Torg
How's the Amway stuff going?
Sam
The other animals went "Double Diamond" in a week. They bought a mansion and left me!
Torg
How?
Kiki
Ack!
Sam
They found a brand new market for Amway products. Total virgin territory.
Anon 1
Screw foraging for nuts!
Anon 2
We have enough shampoo and Ho-Hos to last all winter!
Sam
Well, I've been trying to come up with something real special to give ZoŽ for Christmas.
Sam
You've finished your Christmas shopping right?
Sam
You've started your Christmas shopping right?
Sam
Not the mall! Not at this time of the year! Come back you fool!
ZoŽ
I can't believe Torg went to the mall this close to Christmas.
Riff
Yeah, Torg is nuts.
ZoŽ
I always do my shopping mail-order.
Riff
That would explain the package I just got from the "Buckets of Cheese" factory.
ZoŽ
Cheese makes a better gift than a subscription to Hefty Hooters magazine!
Riff
Hey, I was in a rush.
Riff
And that point is debatable.
Mrs. Claus
Dear, you know that rabbit winds up at the top of the naughty list every year. Is this year so much worse?
Santa Claus
The bunny must be stopped.
Mrs. Claus
Put down the shotgun and have a hot toddy, dear.
Santa Claus
Make it a double, Mrs. Clause. This is a bad one.
Anon 1
I got the last Tickle-Me-Slime-O doll!
Anon 2
That's my son!
Anon 3
Look! A sale!!
Anon 4
You broke my gift!
Anon 5
My gift!
Anon 6
Where's the new dumpy Barbie?
Anon 7
Outta my way!
Anon 8
Attention shoppers, the mall has reached maximum capacity. Please head for the exits in a calm fashion.
Anon 9
Move it ya bum!
Anon 10
You parked on my foot!
Anon 11
That's my spot!
Anon 8
Attention shoppers, oh dear lord! The walls are cracking! Run for the exits! Run!
Anon 12
Aaah!
Anon 13
Help!
Anon 14
Get off me!
Torg
I'm done the freaking Christmas shopping.
Riff
How'd it go?
Torg
The mall exploded, but a few of us made it out alive. I see the Christmas lights are still on outside the house, so I guess you managed to keep Bun-Bun from chewing the wires.
Riff
Yup, he never left my sight! He's right over...
Torg
Uh oh!
Riff
Uh oh!
Torg
You know Riff, I think I'm back in the holiday spirit!
Torg
What do you want for Christmas, Bun-Bun? Alfalfa? A chew toy?
Bun-Bun
Santa's head on a platter.
Bun-Bun
It's a long story that I don't want to get into right now, nerd-boy.
Torg
That's my cute widdle bunny!
Torg
Look! Now you're a normal bunny!
Bun-Bun
I might just settle for your head.
Riff
Hey Torg, what's the worst Christmas present you ever got?
Torg
Don't know. Why, what's thw worst hanukkah present you ever got?
Riff
Last year I got this "#1 Stud" mug. That was pretty crappy.
Torg
What happened to that?
Sam
Look, Kiki! A "#1 Stud" mug from a secret admirer! It must be ZoŽ!
Kiki
Christmas comes early this year!
Narr
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the home was a lop setting trip wire that could cut through bone. A tri-mounted rifle was armed by this hare in the hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
Rudolph
Get down there!
Santa Claus
I'm not doing it!
Narr
Despite the barrage of bullets from a gun with auto-trackin' Bun-Bun retreated 'cause Santa was packin'. With a wink and a flip of the bird to the lop he dropped off his gifts, and up the chimney he shot!
Santa Claus
Yes!
Narr
And he went off to reward the good children in bed, but he didn't notice the plastic explosives under his sled.
Bun-Bun
Heh heh heh
Bun-Bun
No explosion?!? Faulty wiring! I hate Christmas miracles!
Santa Claus
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Torg
Happy Hanukkah, man!
Riff
Merry Christmas buddy!
Torg
At least we are consistent. A beer every year!
Riff
Actually, I got you hot-sauce this year.
Riff
It's habenaro, your favorite.
Torg
Merry Christmas, ZoŽ.
ZoŽ
Torg, that's so sweet!
ZoŽ
Torg! THis is beautiful! But I thought Buddha statues were chubbier.
Torg
That's the new Barbie.
Kiki
This is so interesting! Humans celebrate the night before the new year with a big party.
Bun-Bun
And some actually celebrate by skinning ferrets for the traditional ferret-jerky!
Kiki
Really?
Bun-Bun
No, I was kidding. Only rabbits do that. Yum.
Kiki
I am outta here!
Gwynn
Hey ZoŽ, thanks for inviting me to Sam's party. What's wrong? You seem down.
ZoŽ
I just got a card from a friend I knew in high school. She is already married, owns a house and is going to have a baby. Here I am, doing bad in callege, getting stressed out from work, almost no money, and I don't have anyone special in my life.
ZoŽ
But hey, a new year is starting, who knows what could happen, right Gwynn?
Gwynn
Yeah, there are plenty of good looking guys here! Let's find you one!
Gwynn
What about that guy? He's cute!
ZoŽ
Which one?
Gwynn
The cute one!
ZoŽ
The ferret?
Gwynn
No, the cute one!
ZoŽ
The rabbit?
Gwynn
The cute guy!
ZoŽ
I'm not following you.
Gwynn
That guy right there!
ZoŽ
Sam?!?
Gwynn
Oops, I forgot to put my glasses on. Never mind.
Sam
You called?
ZoŽ
She said you were cute.
Sam
Well hey...
Gwynn
I meant the ferret.
Bun-Bun
Look, Torg. I just wanted to apologize for all the times I hurt you and stuff. I mean that.
Torg
Have you been drinking?
Riff
...It was a full bottle of 151 rum, Sam! It couldn't have just vanished!
Bun-Bun
You're my besht friend!
Torg
Bun-Bun passed ou. Had to lay him out on the kitchen table. That rabbit needs to learn to drink combustible fluids responsibly.
Riff
Speaking of which, check out ZoŽ:!
Torg
She's hammered?
Riff
Yeah, and Sam is taking advantage of it.
ZoŽ
You and me? Ha ha ha snort hee hee hee
Torg
Poor Sam, kicked in the face again. This must be hurting his pride something fierce!
Sam
She's touching me! Wow!
ZoŽ
snicker snicker. Hee hee! Oh lordy!
ZoŽ
I know I, dohn know you, but youarre re-al-ly atragtive.
Torg
I think you've had enough to drink.
ZoŽ
Yourerer nod like those jergs, Torg and Riffghg!
Anon
5...4...3...2...1... Happy new year!
ZoŽ
Habby new beer. *Hic*