The DA of the Sluggy Freelance Script, 1997

[09] [10] [11] [12]

Torg: The internet. More than just fun and games, it has become the global source of practical uses!
Torg: For example, let's see how Riff makes use of the internet!
Riff: I'm trying to summon the Devil on-line.
Torg: Proves my point. In the new millenium you'll be able to sell your soul in a nanosecond!
Torg: Um... But wouldn't it be easier to just e-mail him?
Riff: Yes! Spam Satan!

Riff: Well Torg, it worked. I succeeded in summoning Satan into my computer.
Torg: How do ya know you got the Satan, instead of a lesser demon?
Riff: He installed Windows 95 on my system.
Torg: Win95? But Riff, you have a Mac!
Riff: Got any holy-water lying around here?

Torg: How goes the Satan-in-the-system thingy?
Riff: Not good, Torg.
Riff: I summoned an archangel into my system to get Satan out. The started a Quake deathmatch and have been in a dead-heat since yesterday. Still can't access my recipes.
Torg: Nice to know the ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with missile launchers!
Riff: Very reassuring.

Torg: How goes the Quake death-match against the Devil, Riff?
Riff: Well, Satan is winning in straight kills.
Riff: ... but Chuck just picked up the Ring of Shadows.
Torg: Your archangel is named Chuck?
Riff: Look out for the toxic waste, Chuck!
Torg: I take it "Chuck" is short for "Ground Chuck".

Torg: Hi, Riff! Still got Satan and Chuck-the-archangel death-matching on your system?
Riff: Got rid of them both.
Riff: I put an Alanis Morrisette album in the CD-ROM on endless loop and they both took off after only an hour. Now the CD is jammed and I can't shut it off! I can't even be in the same room with it!
Torg: Well isn't that ironic?
Riff: You realize you are about a year off from that joke being topical.
Torg: Some jokes never get old.
Riff: Others are born that way.

Riff: Well, I managed to get Alanis Morrisette out by putting Gilbert Gottfried in my system, then I put Carrot-Top in to chase Gilbert out. Chased out Carrot-Top by deleteing his props (he is harmless without them).
Riff: Now I have traces of all of them still stuck on my computer. You know how tough it is to remove things completely from Windows. What can I do to get them completely out?
Torg: What about Pauly Shore?
Riff: That would get me out.

Riff: Should I just live with traces of Satan, Chuck the archangel, Alanis Morrisette, Gilbert Gottfried, and Carrot-Top on my system...
Riff: ... or should I copy over 100 gigs of nudie pics to back up important documents so I can reinstall my operating system?
Riff: There are some choices no man should have to make.
Torg: Hi riff! How's the system?
Riff: I'm reformatting a Jazz-disk so I can back up important stuff. Then I am going to reinstall my operating system. That should take care of my problems.
Riff: What's in the box?
Torg: Just what this strip needs! I just bought us a cute talking animal! Every strip has one! Meet Bun-Bun, the mini-lop rabbit!
Torg: Think of the marketing capabilities! Dolls, children's educational software...
Riff: It does talk, right?
Torg: Where'd I put that receipt?
Bun-Bun: Jazz-disk? You just reformatted your hard drive, you idiot! You get paid for this crap?
Riff: My God!

Torg: Listen Bun-Bun! You are supposed to be this comic's cute talking animal! Enough with the attitude!
Bun-Bun: Bite me, nerd-boy.
Torg: Maybe he'll me more amiable after I get him neutered.
Bun-Bun: Use the N-word around me again and I'll do it to you with a spoon.

Torg: I am definitely interested in the job, Mr. Hurley. Do you have the URL of the site? Let's jump on-line and take a look!
Torg: ... Yes... Ok... Hold on a second, let me switch to the cordless.
Bun-Bun: And instead of cash, you can pay me back with your daughter. She is one cute chicky! She back from college yet? "Mary-Lee the guarantee" we used to call her.
Torg: I'm back! Sorry for the... Hello? Hello?

Torg: I'm sorry Mr. Hurley, we must have been disconnected. You hung up? About your daughter?
Torg: I said what?
Torg: I said no such thing! It was the rabbit! Bad rabbit! Bad Bun-Bun!
Torg: Uh... Did I say rabbit? I meant Rabbi! Bad Rabbi! Bad... Hello? Hello?
Bun-Bun: Shalom, you nebbish!

Torg: I demand my money back! This animal is a miscreant! All I wanted was a cute talking animal for this strip.
Anon: Look buddy, he is cute and he does talk. We ain't responsible for what he says or his attitude. Our return policy is very specific. We only accept returns if they are broken!
Torg: Broken? Hold that thought!
Bun-Bun: I'm outta here!

Riff: Let me get this straight... You tried to break your pet rabbit's head open with a hammer, but he got away, and you want me to help you find him?...
Riff: No prob. I am just finishing up the last hour of a 29 hour animation rendering. When it is done and backed up, I'll help.
Riff: It's gone!
Bun-Bun: Note to self: Be careful chewing through power cables in future...

Anon: Halt! I am a representative of PETA, and how dare you try to harm this poor defenseless and cute creature! You are in danger of severe fines and possible jail time!
Anon: Aw, you poor widdle bunny. Do not fear, we shall release you into the wild where you will be free to frolic with your...
Bun-Bun: What? Outdoors? No cable? No Baywatch?
Torg: Y'know, this almost makes it worth it.
Anon: You can talk? Aggh!!! My eye! My spleen! No!!!

Torg: Look, sorry I tried to brain you the other day, but we can't keep living like this. I brought you here as a peace offering. Can there be peace?
Bun-Bun: That depends. Can I get an alfalfa margarita?
Torg: You got two forms of ID?
Anon 1: ... so then my scooter got out from under me. Wham! Right into a car.
Anon 2: Wow. You're lucky to be alive! Trash your bike?
Anon 1: Nah, it was a Yugo.
Bun-Bun: Harleys suck because they are too damn load, and you look like a dork in that outfit!
Torg: It was the rabbit! It was the rabbit!
Torg: What the hell is your problem?
Bun-Bun: If you are looking for an apology, forget it. I am only making observations.
Torg: Well, no more observations on big muscle-bound guys, agreed?
Bun-Bun: Agreed.
Bun-Bun: Hey chicky! Nice butt. I like your butt. Can I grab your butt?

Torg: Well, I went to court today to have Bun-Bun forcibly removed from here.
Riff: How'd it go?
Torg: Well, first Bun-Bun's lawyers said I was an anti-rabbit racist.
Riff: Lawyers do that these days.
Torg: I responded with evidence of Bun-Bun's attitude, and the damage he caused directly and indirectly to myself and my property. The lawyers said I was an anti-pain-in-the-ass racist.
Riff: How'd it turn out?
Bun-Bun: You packed yet, nerd-boy?
Torg: Riff, can I stay with you for a while? Indefinitely?

Torg: Hey, looks like Riff found a replacement for the cute talking animal of the strip.
Riff: Hi Torg! This is Teddy Weddy.
Torg: This is cute?
Riff: You gonna tell him he ain't?
Teddy Weddy: Do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?

Torg: I'm sorry, Mr. Weddy. We can't hire you due to your criminal record.
Teddy Weddy: What criminal record?
Torg: Says here you have knocked over liquor stores.
Teddy Weddy: I don't rob them, I literally knock them over.
Torg: Is that legal?
Teddy Weddy: No, but it's funny. So do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?

Torg: Well, everything seems to be in line here. Have any hobbies?
Teddy Weddy: I chip wood.
Torg: Um, very nice. What's in the bag?
Teddy Weddy: Mr. Wood. So do I get the @%$#*ing job or what?

Torg: Ok, Teddy Weddy. You are hired. Welcome to the family.
Riff: Only thing left is for you to get rid of the old guy.
Teddy Weddy: Ha Ha! No problem!
Bun-Bun: Lets rock, rug-boy.

Anon: Halt! I am a representative of PETA, and how dare you try to harm this poor defenseless and cute creature! You are in danger of severe fines and possible jail time!
Anon: Aw, you poor widdle...
Teddy Weddy: Grrrrrrrr...
Bun-Bun: Y'know, this almost makes it worth it.

Bun-Bun: Ah! You have been training! But I shall prevail, for I know the secret lop-technique, where the mortal blow comes from behind!
Teddy Weddy: Behind?
Bun-Bun: Yup.
Teddy Weddy: You are lunch bunny!
Bun-Bun: I'll turn you into a rug, you cub-cur!
Riff: I'm starting to feel bad about letting that bear eat Bun-Bun.
Torg: After all that rabbit has done to us?
Riff: It's quiet!
Torg: Should we look?
Bun-Bun: Looks like you are stuck with me as your cute talking animal, nerd-boy.
Torg: Well, if you were going to turn him into a rug, you could've made it a bit bigger.
Bun-Bun: At my size, this is all I need.
Torg: Where is the rest of him?
Bun-Bun: Oh, around.
Torg: Around where?!?
Teddy-Weddy: I'd like to renegotiate our previous arrangement...

Riff: I just found a tome of ancient evil in my attic. Since summoning evil into my computer went all wrong, I'm going to try it the old fashioned way.
Riff: Want to come?
Torg: Sure! Need a live sacrifice?
Bun-Bun: Don't make me kick your ass again.
Torg: Then stop eating the damn cards!

Torg: Hi folks! To recap, we are trying to summon an ancient imprisoned demon. When he is freed, the world will be plunged into chaos and darkness.
Torg: What?! It's only "ok" if Bill Gates does it?

Riff: Summoning demons is serious business. We may have to suffer plagues or forfeit our lives. I have to ask you some questions.
Torg: Ok.
Riff: Locusts or frogs?
Torg: Frogs.
Riff: Famine or leprosy?
Torg: Famine.
Riff: Paparazzi or telemarketers?
Torg: Death?
Riff: Ok, we're in agreement then. Let's continue!

Torg: Hey Riff, we about ready to summon this demon?
Riff: Still having problems with the spell-words.
Riff: How do you pronounce this word?
Torg: [...]
Riff: No, that's not quite i. Let me check my notes.
Torg: Um... Excuse me?

Riff: *Whew* This is tough. Well, get ready, I think we are set to summon this demon now.
Riff: By the way, don't worry about the transformation. You should change back to yourself, over time.
Riff: Although there may be some lingering aftereffects.

Riff: I summon thee demon to walk this world. I summon thee by the tome of E-Ville. I summon thee now!
Anon: At last I am free! Free from my eternal prison! Now the world shall be mine! Now I shall...
Torg: Was the demon supposed to appear in the middle of route 80?
Riff: Let's try that again, shall we?

Narr: Through untold terrors, Riff and Torg have finally succeeded in completing their hideous tasks, and can now summon an evil demon, who will destroy the world!
Riff: [...]
Anon: I have been summoned!
Anon: Now, mere mortals, I shall bend this world to my will!
Anon: And for your reward, eternal torment by my hand!
Riff: Hold it! As I have summoned you by the book of E-Ville, you must pay... the price!
Anon: A six-pack?
Riff: A case!
Anon: Here! Now, I must be on my...
Riff: And!?!
Anon: Twenty bucks?
Riff: Twenty bucks.
Anon: Ten, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, nineteen fifty, nineteen seventy-five... Um... Can I borrow a quarter?
Riff: Nope.
Anon: Curses!
Torg: Domestic. Go figure.
Narr: Tune in next week, when Torg and Riff summon Beelzebub for a case of Opus-X cigars and Superbowl tickets.

Torg: What a beautiful, hot day. Not gonna have many more of these.
Riff: This strip needs more women.
Torg: Ah, but we must be careful not to treat the female character as an object. We must handle the fairer sex with sophistication.
Riff: Hey, does the Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match start soon?
Torg: One hour, 12 minutes and 32 seconds.
Riff: This event we will handle with sophistication.
Torg: Yup.
Riff: "Handle" being the operative word.
Torg: Oh man! I forgot the camcorder! You brought the binocs, right?

Zo�: Help! I need a phone! I locked my keys in the car with the engine running!
Anon: Could you guys help me? I lost my makeup case in the bushes over there.
Torg: Help wuh-man! ooh-ooh-ooh!
Riff: ooh-ooh-ooh Help wuh-man!
Zo�: Y'know, times like these make me want to invest in a push-up bra.

Anon 1: Look honey! These are the nice guys who helped me find my makeup case!
Anon 2: Thanks guys!
Riff: ooh-ooh-ooh! Male in terr-tory!
Riff: Our wuhman! Our terr-tory!
Torg: Next time, lets just fling doody at him from a distance.

Torg: ... Um, sorry about your car bying. We acted pretty dumb back there.
Zo�: No big deal. I was running on fumes anyway, and you were just being male.
Torg: I'm Torg, and this is Riff.
Zo�: I'm Zo�...
Anon: Hi guys! We were just going to start our Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match, and we are short two players. Want to join?
Zo�: My arm! You are breaking my arm!
Torg/Riff: Game on!

Zo�: Not good Zo�. First day in a new town and you lock your keys in your car like a moron. Then a couple of neanderthals accidentally sprain your wrist and leave to go play frisbee with a bunch of bikini-clad women.
Zo�: Now I am stuck, no friends, no car, no way home.
Zo�: Ah, I guess things could be worse.
Zo�: Aw, what a cute bunny!
Bun-Bun: You are in my spot, toots. I'm going to have to hurt you on principle.

Anon 1: Let's get this Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match going!
Anon 2: Are we playing frisbee or not?
Anon 3: Come on!
Riff: Torg, you coming?
Anon 4: What is the hold up?
Anon 5: Let's go!
Torg: Here I am, ready to go! Let's get this match underway! Let's... I'll...
Torg: ... I'll go change.
Anon 6: You told him it was part of the rules, right?
Riff: We'll be shirts, you be skins?

Anon 1: Stop him!
Anon 2: Get him!
Anon 3: Pile on!
Anon 4: The frisbee is ours! Sheila, go long!
Riff: Torg, you moron! You just let them tackle you!
Torg: What do you care, you're on the other team!
Riff: I just wish I'd thought of it!
Zo�: Ok, let's recap this day. Locked my keys in the car with the engine running until it diead, had my wrist sprained by a couple of jerks, and got beat up by a rabbit.
Zo�: Not bad for my first day... Ahhh!
Zo�: What the...
Zo�: Addendum to recap: Trampled by a bunch of...
Zo�: Second addendum to...
Bun-Bun: Guess I didn't make myself clear the first time. Prepare to die.

Torg: Hi Riff! What're you working on?
Riff: A dimensional flux agitator. It opens rifts in random reality paths.
Riff: Basically, Torg, I can blow anything I want into another dimension forever.
Torg: What's the alfalfa-hay for?
Bun-Bun: Alfalfa? My favourite! Hey, what are you jerks looking at?
Torg: Riff, I like the way you think.

Riff: When I press this button, everything to the right of my dimensional flux agitator will be blown into a random dimension forever.
Bun-Bun: Huh?
Torg: Later, Bun-Bun!
Riff: Catch ya on the flip side, rat!
Riff: Did I say "to the right...?" Let me check my notes.

Torg: What do you mean we are trapped here?!?
The Collective: Join us.
The Collective: Be one with the Collective.
The Collective: One mind... One will...
The Collective: Be one with the Collective.
Riff: Maybe these guys can help us...
The Collective: Join us. Be one with us... Resistance is just plain stupid. Prepare to be absorbed.
Torg: Friendly sort aren't they.

Anon 1: Captain, we have lost shields and the planet is preparing to pull us in! We don't stand a chance!
Anon 2: I'll not surrender to these half-machine Collective bastards! Prepare to self-destruct!
Anon 3: Sir! This is odd. It appears that the Collective have stopped their attack... and are having a keg-party sir.
Anon 2: What?!?
The Collective: Wasting away in margarita-ville...

The Collective: I must speak with, Collective brothers. Since you have come among us, all we have done is drink fermented hopps beverages and ogle scantily clad females. This has seriously jeopardized our goal of the all-Collective.
The Collective: We've never had to do this before...
The Collective: We are kicking you out.
Torg: Can we keep the toys?
The Collective: No.

Riff: Well, here we are, trapped on the planet of the Collective, who want nothing to do with us, and us with no way home.
Torg: I have to take a leak.
Torg: Gee, it was nice of the Confederation to beam us off that planet! Do you think they will help us find a way home?
Riff: But Torg, you just peed on the Captain.

Anon 1: I am sorry we cannot help you get home to your dimension. We have a pressing mission to get cough-syrup to a dying planet.
Anon 1: Will you two be ok? Our universe can be a dangerous place if you are not careful.
Riff: No problem. Careful is our middle name.
Torg: No, you have no honor!
Narr: As Torg and Riff journey through space on the Confederation starship, they take advantage of the ship's information database to find a way home. As Riff puts it, "It's like the Internet."
Torg: Hey, there is nothing in here but prnography and fan sites for some show call "The Bleck-Files!" This is nothing like our Internet!
Narr: From the information they learn, in combination with the wealth of knowledge shared by the Collective, they determine there is no way to create the dimensional flux they need to get home. However, in this dimension, the fluxes occur naturally in space. Being dropped off at a nearby space-port, Torg and Riff attempt to hire a ride.
Riff: I don't care what that farm-boy offered you, we'll double it!
Narr: Of course having no currency, this becomes a problem.
Narr: Having no other option, Riff finds the one ship that goes to the dimensional flux as a course of standard action, another Confederation ship, the UCP Wastestar Toxica! Riff finds the Confederation to be a fair and noble version of humanity, trusting and compassionate...
Torg: Trusting and compassionate?
Riff: Gullible. I lied on our resumes and got us jobs on the ship.
Riff: We are the new engineering crew!
Torg: Engineering? Riff, I can't even turn on the TV in this place!

Torg: Let me get this straight...
Torg: This ship goes to the dimensional rift and dumps toxic waste into random dimensions?
Riff: Yeah, but we need to get to the rift if I am going to get us home!
Torg: Wait a minute, according to the manifest, this ship is carrying first season Voyager scripts! That's not toxic waste!
Riff: That's debatable.

First Officer Brenas: Hello Chief Riff, Lt. Torg. I am First Officer Brenas. I trust you have been briefed on the engineering protocols on this ship.
Torg: Scantily clas sci-fi chicks are cool!
Riff: Scantily clas sci-fi chicks are cool!
First Office Brenas: Actually, I am a male of my species.
Torg: Aw, you think what you want.
Riff: Could you jump up and down for us, mister?

Torg: I'm not grasping any of this. How do we fake being engineers for this ship?
Riff: Just make up big words and sound important.
Anon: Men. How goes the diagnostics?
Riff: Captain, the dylithiam matrix is flooded with gamma-gozer rays, so we just need to lock the stabalizorama to the nth degree.
Torg: ...hypdrochloric gear shift is downloading some type of chocolate doh-doh waves...
Anon: Very well, carry on.
Torg: Wow. This dimension is not very different than our own!
Riff: Did you say chocolate?

Torg: So, how long before we reach the flux and get home?
Riff: About two weeks, so relax.
Anon: Chief Riff, it appears all the food-o-matics on deck 8 will only produce beer and nuts.
Riff: You're welcome!

Anon: Chief Riff, either stop using the transporter to beam Trolorian go-go dancers to the engine room, or I will be forced to alert the Captain.
Riff: Beam her into space?
Torg: Naw, just her clothes.

Anon: Crew, we have a dilemma. We have lost contact with space station 9-Bab-5, and station systems are down. We ahve orders to assess the situation.
Anon: We will be sending some expendable crew members to investigate, and the engineers to get the main systems running.
Torg: Bamn, keep forgetting we're the engineers.
Dykowski: Well, it sure as hell beats being "expendable!"

Anon 1: It's been an hour, and the station power is still off. Any word from the away-team?
Anon 2: Not a word, Captain.
Anon 2: Of course, it's tough to hear over all the screaming.
Anon 1: Well, let me know if they say something.
Riff: Captain! The station crew has disappeared, and the station is crawling with aliens! We are picking them off no prob in zero-G, but if they got planet-side...
Anon 1: Have you tried communicating with them, Chief Riff?
Riff: But sir, they are ugly and really weird looking!
Anon 1: Very well, continue firing.
Riff: Yes sir!
Anon 3: Yes sir!
Dykowski: Lt. Torg, looks like we have them beat!
Torg: Dykowski! Look out for that face-hugger!
Torg: Uffa! Did I say face hugger?
Riff: Command, we need a proctologist now!

Anon 1: Well, Captain, I can't remove the alien from Dykowski. It appears to be some form of leech, and it has concentrated orange juice for blood.
Anon 2: Is that good or bad?
Anon 1: Bad! It's the homestyle kind.
Anon 2: With pulpy bits? Eeewwww!

Anon 1: An alien burst out Dykowski, and it's eating the crew!
Anon 2: Eek! An alien!
Anon 3: Run!
Torg: Wow! It knows to go after the extras first!
Riff: All aliens do.

Anon: Ok crew, we have a xenomorph on board. First Officer Brenas will update you all.
First Officer Brenas: Thank you captain. Troops, I'll be brief.
Anon: My, that was brief, Brenas. Very well crew, run for your lives.

Anon 1: We are doing more damage to the ship than the alien!
Anon 2: Chief Riff, how many crew left?
Riff: Ten, sir!
Anon 3: This thing just moves too fast!
Riff: Nine, sir!
Anon 2: I can count from here!

Anon: Torg, I'm worried! The crew has been dropping like flies!
Torg: Riff and the Captain are on top of this. We just have to stay alert and guard this area against that alien.
Torg: And besides, maybe after we're relieved, I was thinking we might stop by the holo-cafe for a drink.

Anon: Torg! Report to engine operations! ... Torg! ... Torg!
Torg: On my way, and thank god for dandruff shampoo!

Torg: I should be safe. No way the alien could get in here.
Torg: By the way, I'm not going to turn around so you can get the satisfaction of seeing me gasp in fear before sucking my brains out.
Aylee: Fine, I'll just find someone who will!
Anon: It got Doc!
Riff: We gotta move!
Torg: Hi guys!
Riff: We're the only ones left!
Anon: Make sure that door is sealed!
Anon: Once you guys are killed, demonstrating the alien's invulnerability, I will discover how to destroy it, thus saving the universe.
Torg: What makes you think you'll be the last to survive?
Anon: I am the handsome masculine lead! I have top billing! You guys are the ones whose pitiful deaths set me on my path of vengeance.
Torg: Well, we're dimensional travelers with more interesting characterization! You are a shallow stereotype needing no development at all!
Anon: What is this? A sci-fi thriller or a goofy buddy movie?
Torg: The defense rests.
Riff: Look! Big guns!

Torg: Yup, these guns should take care of that alien no prob.
Riff: Maybe we should quit wasting time blowing up random things with these guns and get back to hunting it down.
Torg: Look! My gun has a missile launcher!
Riff: Ok, five more minutes...

Riff: If that alien attacks at the wrong moment... We have to get rid of it before we hit the dimensional flux.
Torg: How do we do that?
Riff: I have a plan!
Riff: We lure it into the docking bay, open the airlock, and grab on to something.
Torg: How do we lure it?
Torg: Holks, if you are ever in the same situation, don't be the one to ask that question.

Torg: Ahhh! It's right on me! Blow the airlock!
Riff: Airlock release now!
Riff: Update to plan... Grab hold of something, then open airlock...

Riff: Whew! We are lucky the air-lock safety-fields clamped down before we all got sucked into space!
Riff: We're in the dimensional flux!
Torg: We ahve to open the portal now!
Aylee: I have to eat you guys!

Torg: Is it dead?
Riff: Not sure. Get real close and nudge it with your foot. If it springs up and eats you, I'll know it ain't dead.
Riff: I gotta get that field set up so the dimensional flux takes us home.
Torg: Could I just throw a show at it?

Riff: Torg, the field is open! We have to move now!
Torg: But the alien is still alive!

Zo�: ... Yes, mom. Everything is just fine. That was weeks ago. I feel fine. No, mom, I haven't met the neighbors yet.
Zo�: ... Yes ... No ... Mom I should warn you, I've been having problems with this phone so we might get cut-off unexpectedly...
Zo�: She's probably right. I've been here a month and the neighbors haven't bothered to say hi yet. Maybe I'll just make the first move.
Zo�: Hi! I'm Zo�. I live next....
Riff: Get back here you alien slime-bag!
Torg: Hey, don't I know you? ...
Torg: Oh yeah, the girl from the park! Didn't recognize you conscious, upright and unmangled.

Torg: Hey, how you feeling?
Zo�: Uggha...
Torg: Sorry for that laser-cannon-alien-monster thing...
Zo�: You're the guy from the park! You sprained my wrist and tried to trample me to death!
Bun-Bun: Howdy, nerd-boy! bring me any souvenirs from the flip-side?
Zo�: Keep that rabbit away from me!
Riff: Hey, Sam Sein is having a halloween bash tonight. The whole complex is invited!
Bun-Bun: Can we go steady?

Zo�: I can't believe I am actually going to a halloween party with those guys! Well, it is a party for the whole complex. So it's not like I needed their invitation...
Zo�: Ha! This will give those guys something to be sexist and neanderthal about!
Torg: Great! Now I have to go change.
Riff: Good job Zo�. We are late as it is!
Bun-Bun: Hubba hubba.

Sam: Hey Torg! Hey Riff! Love that costume!
Torg: Hey Sam! Nifty halloween party!
Sam: Yeah, I went all out! You like the smoke machine?
Torg: Well...
Sam: Imagine, letting this baby go for 50% just case the level-adjust is busted!

Torg: Riff, do you think it was a good idea to leave Bun-Bun in charge of handing out candy back at my apartment?
Anon: They say someone named "Torg" stole their candy at gun-point. He lives over there...
Bun-Bun: Uh-oh. Time to take this show on the road.

Riff: Torg! It's the alien! It's here!
Torg: Whew! It's just a costume.
Riff: Still, keep those blasters handy, just incase.
Torg: I wouldn't worry. That alien is long gone by now.
Aylee: Oh, look at the time. Gotta run!

Zo�: Hey Torg, how did you get out of that clown costume so fast?
Zo�: Bun-Bun!?!? That costume is incredible!
Anon: Excuse me, have you seen this man? Goes by the name Torg. Wanted for armed robbery.
Bun-Bun: The clown in the back.
Anon: Right... By the way, nice shrunken bunny-head costume.
Bun-Bun: Thanks, officer!

Torg: Wow... Heh heh... Um... Sure sucks to be in jail on halloween, eh? ...Um ...Er
Anon 1: Yeah it sure does! That's a cool costume by the way!
Torg: Thanks! And speaking of which...
Anon 2: Not wearing a costume.
Anon 3: The evil is here!
Anon 3: Ask the pope in the woods.
Anon 3: The bars hold us to the place!
Anon 3: The clock drags us to the time! I see them! This is their grave.
Anon 3: I like pistachio ice cream. There is evil here! I see them, can't you? Maybe your eyeballs are in the way! Pluck, pluck...
Anon 1: What the hell is this guy talking about?
Torg: Something about ghosts or something?
Anon 1: Ghosts!?! Eek!!!
Anon 2: Aaaah!
Anon 4: You alone can see and hear me.
Anon 4: Know that this one is now mine!
Anon 4: Perhaps you will be next!
Anon 3: Eeek!!
Anon 5: Torg, you have a visitor.
Anon 5: It's your lawyer.
Anon 4: Aaaah!
Torg: I'm glad you came to help me but I'm a bit broke right now.
Anon 6: Eek!!

Sam: Torg! You're out of jail already!
Riff: Hey Sam!
Torg: Sam Sein!
Torg: Yeah, everyone saw me at the party so my alibi was air tight.
Sam: Um... Is Zo� around?
Torg: Haven't seen her.
Torg: Bye Sam!
Riff: Later!
Zo�: Thanks guys, I owe you one.
Sam: I'm still here.
Zo�: Doh.

Sam: Aw, come on, how about it? Go out with me! Come on, right now! I know this great bar...
Zo�: I can't go now... I don't have... my... shoes on.
Sam: No problem! I brought some with me! Size eight, right?
Zo�: I'm never going to live this one down.

Sam: All right, fine. DOn't go out with me now, but don't worry, I'll win you over! You will be mine!
Zo�: Can you believe that pompous jerk? What a...
Sam: I'm still here. Putting my jacket on, haven't left the room yet. Almost there...

Zo�: I can't believe you are ok with Bun-Bun framing you for armed robbery and getting you sent to jail.
Torg: It's really no big deal.
Zo�: What are you reading?
Torg: A cookbook.
Torg: "Smoked Rabbit with Rosemary" ...mmmm-mmm!
Bun-Bun: I'm reading "How To Serve Man," myself.

Bun-Bun: Fine, give me the silent treatment nerd-boy! See if I care. So I framed you. It's not like you were in jail for that long.
Bun-Bun: I am outta here!
Riff: Torg! Animal services just picked up your rabbit! Said he was biting the butts of people all over town!
Torg: How could Bun-Bun do that, Mr. Sock-Lop?
Torg: What a baaad bunny! I should bite his butt!
Zo�: Torg, I have all new respect for you!

Torg: Hey, I just got a letter saying Bun-Bun is being shipped out of animal services. Seems he put half the staff members in the hospital. They're sending him for "cosmetics animal testing."
Torg: Now that is just damn bizarre!
Riff: I was thinking inhumane. You do know they mean "cosmetics", not "cosmetic surgery", right?

Bun-Bun: Man, I can't believe this. Animal testing.
Cinny-Bun: Animal testing! Do you know what this means?
Cinny-Bun: I haven't studied!
Cinny-Bun: My GPA is gonna go straight to hell!
Bun-Bun: There goes Harvard.
Narr: Day 1 of Bun-Bun testing
Irving Schlock: 11-5-97, Dr. Schlock acting. Subject: 38AD-3UN-5. Today I will be testing the effects of formula 3Y35 mascara and eyeliner. Due to its slightly radioactive nature, it may kill the specimen.
Irving Schlock: It might only react badly to the rabbit's skin, but if so, I owe Dr. Talbot 5 bucks! Hoo hoo hoo!
Bun-Bun: Meanwhile, I'll be testing the accuracy of the redlight-sight on my glock.
Anon 1: We have a medical emergency, Dr. Schlock's lab!
Anon 2: Get the med-kit, a mop, and a priest!
Narr: Day 2 of Bun-Bun testing
Irving Schlock: 11-5-97, Subject: 38AD-3UN-5. Today I will test the effects of my new "air-pills." I will submerge the specimen in a tank of water to see how long it takes it to drown.
Anon 2: Quick, grab the med-kit and the defibrillator!
Anon 1: Dr. Schlock again?
Narr: Day 3 of Bun-Bun testing
Dr. Schlock: Today I wll be testing a new vaccine to cure a rare and terminal childhood illness. Assuming, of course, that the rabbit is cooperative. I only hope it realizes the importance of this test.
Bun-Bun: All right Doc. You got me. This is a test that should be performed.
Narr: Later...
Bun-Bun: 11-7-97, Subject: Jerkfaceidjit. Dr. Schlock did not respond well to the medication, but there are many other test to do, and he looks fabulous in mascara.

Zo�: So, what do you guys do, exactly?
Torg: I'm a freelance web designer, and Riff here, ...well, ...he sorta builds stuff, dimensional portals, ...summons demons...
Torg: What do you do?
Riff: No comment.
Torg: "Freelance bum."

Riff: What about you Zo�? What's your deal?
Zo�: I'm a communications major at the university. I'm trying to get a job as an intern at a radio station in the city.
Torg: An intern? Isn't that where you just run errands amd make coffee for no pay?
Zo�: No! That's where you are a valued member of a team. I'll be gaining professional experience and earning credits.
Anon: Sorry, not enough experience.
Zo�: For making coffee?

Sam: So, Bun-Bun ended up as a lab animal huh?
Torg: He's gone for good. That's all I know.
Sam: "I wonder what type of experiments they did on him."
Riff: "Maybe they just tested him for kindness and it killed him."
Torg: "Maybe they made him into some kind of mutant freak."
Sam: "In any case, he probably died hating you, Torg."

Sam: Torg, you sure you don't want to come into the city with us?
Torg: Naw, I think I'll just walk home and watch some tv.
Sam: Man! Can't believe he is that bummed over Bun-Bun.

Bun-Bun: Change the channel to Baywatch now!

Bun-Bun: Ok, now we are even. Luckily the lab wasn't Fort Knox or nothing. It was easy to free all the other animals and escape.
Torg: Other animals? Where???
Bun-Bun: You think I'd bring those dorks here? They are more boring that you, nerd-boy!
Torg: So what happened to them?
Anon: Where the hell is the freaking stereo remote?

Dr. Lorna: Welcome to the Doctor Lorna show, where touch love is our motto. Don't forget to pick up my new book, Ten Reasons Why You Are Valueless Without My Help!
Dr. Lorna: Our next caller is Tim. Hi Tim!
Tim: Hi Dr. Lorna. My girlfriend is 14 and...
Dr. Lorna: You cradle robber! Does it feel good? Does it? That girl has parents that care about her, and here you are thinking with your privates like a total jerk! Do you know what you are doing to her?
Tim: But...
Dr. Lorna: But I think you have a lot of growing up to do, not her. We have to go to a commercial break before my head explodes!
Reggie: We're clear!
Dr. Lorna: Can you believe that guy?
Reggie: Um... Lorna? That caller was 12
Zo�: Hey guys! I finally got a gig! I'm assistant call-screener for the Dr. Lorna show!
Torg: Dr. Lorna? Bleck!
Zo�: You've heard of her?
Riff: Nope, don't know what you're talking about.
Torg: She spends all day allowing people to bring her their problems so she can tell them how better she is than them.
Riff: What a nimrod.
Dr. Lorna: Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Sally: Hi, Dr. Lorna. My name is Sally. I have a husband...
Dr. Lorna: "A" husband? Does he not have a name my dear?
Dr. Lorna: Or does he mean nothing more to you than any other object. Do you have "a" stereo? "A" tv?
Sally: But he...
Dr. Lorna: He? Maybe the problem is you!
Zo�: It's called touch love!
Torg: It's called moral egotism!
Zo�: Well, it's good money.
Torg: I didn't know interns made any money.
Zo�: Torg, just leave me alone.
Bun-Bun: Hey, I hear Howard Stern is looking for an intern that looks good in a thong.

Dr. Lorna: This is Dr. Lorna. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon: You have a lot of nerve telling people how to live their lives...
Dr. Lorna: How'd you get past our screener?
Anon: I know about some skeletons in your closet!
Dr. Lorna: Judge not lest me judge you a new butt-hole buddy!

Dr. Lorna: How do you like your first day as assistant call screener, Zo�?
Zo�: Oh, I like it, Dr. Lorna, a lot!
Dr. Lorna: Please, call me Lorna.
Zo�: I have a question though.
Zo�: Why is it you only allow people to call in once, and never allow them on air again?
Dr. Lorna: Zo�, there are so many people who need my help, it would be cruel to deny new callers the chance by allowing old ones to call back.
Reggie: And besides, so few survive the trauma of her advice.
Dr. Lorna: You are on thin ice, Reggie.

Dr. Lorna: So, you see now how that one incredibly kinky affair you had in your youth has ruined your marrage. You have to get over that trollop.
Joey: Thanks, you're right, Dr. Lorna.
Dr. Lorna: I know.
Dr. Lorna: You have to confront that hussy, and gain closure on your life.
Joey: But... but that's why I called! It was you, Lorna! Remember me from highscho...
Dr. Lorna: Kshhhhht. Hello? Dshhhhht. Gshhhhhhhh crackle kshhhhtshhht. Aw, Joey was disconnected! Must have called from a car phone!

Anon: Yeah, well, I've done so many women, I've lost count. Wilt Chamberlain would have to take trigonometry to even understand, but I...
Dr. Lorna: You are such a stud. You #@$% son of a bitch! I'm so mad that I'd grab your #@$% privates and fondue you in a second! Commercial break!
Dr. Lorna: Sorry I lost my cool guys! Did you use the seven second delay to edit that?
Reggie: Yeah, we got it. We had to cut it twice.
Dr. Lorna: "You are such a stud that I'd do you in a second! Commercial break!"
Bun-Bun: Wow. Must be sweeps week!

Dr. Lorna: We have Torg on the line. Dr. Lorna here.
Bun-Bun: Hi Dr. Lorna. I have this problem. I am a total nerd who spends all day in front of my computer.
Bun-Bun: I have no life, no friends, and no libido.
Dr. Lorna: Really, Torg? Go on.
Bun-Bun: The only thing I have going for me is my pet rabbit.
Dr. Lorna: Rabbit?
Torg: All right, Bun-Bun, drop the phone now!

Dr. Lorna: Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon: I have a stromboli here...
Dr. Lorna: You pig! You filthy pig!
Reggie: Sorry, Lorna, that call was mine. I ordered italian.
Reggie: I'm fired, right?

Dr. Lorna: Dr. Lorna here. A penny for your thoughtlessness.
Anon: Hi Doctor Lorna. I have a serious problem. My boyfriend is married.
Anon: He keeps saying he is going to leave her, but never does. Do I pressure him? I couldn't leave him, I love him so much.
Dr. Lorna: At times like these, I think a quote out of my book might serve for some insight into this dilemma.
Dr. Lorna: "You dumb, stupid freaking idiot! Stupid fool,..."
Dr. Lorna: "...are we smart enough to dress ourselves? Dumb, feeble-whitted, stupid, backward..."
Zo�: Hi Riff.
Riff: Hey Zo�! Just stopped by to say hello, see what's up. Any plans for thanksgiving?
Zo�: Not really but...
Riff: Bad time?
Zo�: Um, no... Good time, actually!
Zo�: I've been promoted! Sort of.
Zo�: I still have my classes, but otherwise I'll be handling most of the call-screenings for Dr. Lorna!
Zo�: She's here now! She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to pick up some notes I was working on. Want to meet her?
Riff: Aw, damn, left a hot-pocket in the microwave! I gotta run!
Dr. Lorna: Riffington!
Zo�: "Riffington?"
Riff: Hi, mom.
Dr. Lorna: You must spend thanksgiving with me and meet your step-brother!
Zo�: "Mom?"

Zo�: Dr. Lorna is Riff's Mom?
Torg: I had no idea! His dad remarried when he was, like, 10 or something. I never knew his biological mom.
Torg: We always hung around my place.
Zo�: She must have had him young! She still looks like she's under 40.
Zo�: I wonder why he...
Torg: Now that I think about it, I distinctly remember the term "psycho-bitch" being thrown around in kindergarten!

Sam: So, word is that you aren't doing anything for thanksgiving! Me either, but I already bought a turkey...
Sam: Look for the sign man! "No" means she really hates you, but "yes" means she secretly wants you!
Sam: Would you like to spend thanksgiving with me? Nothing fancy or...
Zo�: Sure! Torg can come, right?
Sam: Torg? Sure! Tell him to bring that rabbit with him too.
Sam: Damn Torg! Now I have no idea how to interpret this!
Zo�: I really hate him!

Zo�: Wow, you went all out, Sam! The turkey looks delicious!
Sam: Thanks!
Torg: Hey Sam, I thought Bun-Bun had stuck you with a bunch of escaped lab animals. What happened to them?
Bun-Bun: Veggies, yum!!
Sam: Actually they are in my bedroom. I called some people from P.E.T.A. to pick them up. They should be here soon.
Torg: P.E.T.A.? Cover the bird!!!!
Anon 1: Sam! We are here! Oh my god!
Anon 1: Avert your eyes, friends, from the massacre before us!
Anon 2: Let's stuff and roast them!

Narr: On one side, die-hard members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. On the other, a rag-tag band of men, a woman and a rabbit, with but one rally cry:
All: Defend the bird!
Narr: And the fight for the thanksgiving turkey had begun!

Dr. Lorna: I'm so glad you could spend thanksgiving with us, Riffington. I know I only had a chance to raise you for 9 years, but still, look how well adjusted you are!
Riff: Mom! I literally summon demons to keep myself from buying a shotgun and permanently emptying a Taco Bell!
Dr. Lorna: But look! No smoking, no piercings, no ebonics...

Narr: And so, the battle was done.
Narr: The P.E.T.A. members were driven out and the turkey was saved.
Narr: But at what cost?
Bun-Bun: Yup, nerd-boy, the stuffing is ruined!
Torg: Damn them! Damn them all!

Dr. Lorna: Hope you are enjoying spending thanksgiving with us, son. Aren't you impressed with my home and family? Don't you wish you were raised by me and not that man and the floozy he shacked up with?
Riff: Could you pass the yams?
Anon: I'm better than him right mommy?
Dr. Lorna: It isn't polite to rub it in, dear.
Zo�: Torg, what are you thankful for?
Torg: Hmmm. Hand't thought about it. I'm thankful for thick porterhouse steaks. Yum! Actually, I guess I'm thankful for life! I should try to remember to appreciate what I have every day.
Sam: Me, I'm thankful for freedom, pure and simple. I only wish I didn't take the freedom we have for granted all the time.
Zo�: I'm thankful for... friends. I didn't have any when I first came here. I'm thankful for you guys. I just wish you wouldn't get me into such crazy situations all the time.
Bun-Bun: You guys are all losers. You say "I'm thankful," but you have to stipulate it in some way. "I just wish..." Not me. What I am thankful for is pure and unalienable. It is a right for which I have nothing but gratitude.
Bun-Bun: The right to shoot all telemarketers on site!
Torg: That's not a right! That's not even legal.
Bun-Bun: Then I'm thankful I haven't been caught yet.

Zo�: Between work and school, I am burning out majorly! I need to rest.
Torg: Riff and I got this house in the woods for the weekend. You should come!
Torg: There's nothing to do there but relax.
Zo�: Nothing weird will happen, right?
Torg: A house in the woods? What could go wrong?
Riff: What the hell was that?
Zo�: A cow?
Torg: I think it was supposed to be an ominous crash of thunder.
Riff: I think this comic needs a new sound-guy.

Zo�: Wow, this house is great. Thanks for inviting me Torg.
Zo�: I can already feel the stress just drifting away.
Riff: Quick, we need to board up the windows. The dead have come to life and are shambling this way!
Torg: Zo�, you are breaking me hand! I'm going to need this hand to fight off hordes of undead! Let go!!

Zo�: The phone is dead.
Zo�: Someone must have cut the wire!
Torg: Or chewed through the wire!
Riff: What about the rifle? Isn't there a rifle here?
Bun-Bun: I chewed that too.
Torg: You chewed apart an entire rifle?
Bun-Bun: Hey, I'm a bunny. I chew stuff! Deal with it!

Riff: Torg, we are running out of boards! Unhinge some doors, we can use them to block the big windows!
Torg: Roger!
Zo�: Why are we bothering to board up windows?
Riff: It's what you do! Haven't you seen undead movies? This will keep us safe unless we do something stupid!
Torg: I got a door!
Riff: Torg! Not the front door!
Zo�: Hey, doesn't everyone die in those movies?

Riff: Well, we are safe. The zombies are boarded out. Now we just wait till sunrise.
Torg: What happens at sunrise?
Riff: They all turn to dust.
Torg: I thought that was vampiers.
Riff: Doh! Let me check my notes.
Zo�: Wasn't there something about feeding them after midnight?
Torg: No, that's gremlins.
Torg: I remember! You hold a mirror in from of them, and they turn to stone!
Riff: No, that's lawyers.

Zo�: We're trapped! We're going to die here! You had something to do with this, Riff!
Riff: I have no idea what caused the dead to spring to life, so back off!
Torg: Guys! Look what you're doing! If we turn on each other, we are all doomed! Keep it together, people!
Bun-Bun: Hey guys, there's only one slice of pizza left!

Narr: Submitted for your approval. Three young adults and a rabbit, trapped in a house in the woods, surrounded by undead. No connection to the outside world. Supplies are low and tensions are high.
Narr: Bit it is not the terror outside that concerns us, but the internal struggle of one man, attempting to come to grips with his reality. Let us watch his emotional transformation.
Riff: They're breaking in!
Narr: Shock:
Riff: Torg! Torg!
Zo�: Over here too!
Bun-Bun: I'm on it!
Narr: Denial:
Torg: This is not happening! Everything is ok! Ha ha ha ha!
Riff: Torg! Help!
Narr: Guilt:
Torg: I should have been more prepared! I should have known this would happen!
Narr: Rage:
Torg: Damn you! This is your fault! I'm going to kill you!
Narr: Sorrow:
Torg: I'm sorry Riff, I... I just can't...
Narr: And finally, acceptance:
Riff: Look, Torg, I'm sorry I drank your last beer.
Torg: That's ok, I'm over it. I snagged Zo�'s last wine cooler.
Zo�: This is not happening! Everything is ok! Ha ha ha ha!
Narr: A simple case of no more beer, or a deeper statement on the nature of humanity?
Narr: Nothing is what it seems... in the Sluggy Zone.

Torg: I just double checked everything for the third time.
Torg: There is no way for the living dead to into this house.
Riff: Uh... What about the back door?
Torg: Doh!

Anon 1: Ow! Hey, you @*%%$*$
Anon 2: What the hell is your problem?
Anon 1: Why didja knock my mask off?
Anon 3: Where's the camera, anyway?

Anon: You thought we were real? We were paid a load of money to dress up as zombies and try to get into this house. We thought it was part of performance art! The rabbit said...
Riff: Bun-Bun!
Torg: Bun-Bun!
Zo�: Bun-Bun!
Bun-Bun: What? I'm the only malicious rabbit around? This is the woods you know!
Anon: Naw, that ain't him.
Zo�: There's another rabbit????
Anon: Oh wait, it was him.
Bun-Bun: You just lost your tip, buddy.

Bun-Bun: Remember back when I spent time in that experimental lab? Well, I sort-of picked up a contract job creating the ultimate soldier for the military. Soldiers that could not die, because they were already dead!
Bun-Bun: My tests didn't really work. So I hired these yo-yos from the local community college to pretend they were undead. The military should be here to check on my work any moment.
Anon: We're outta here!
Torg: Good going Bun-Bun. What are you going to do when this general shows up?
Bun-Bun: I'll just refuse the 15 million he's bringing for us.
General Mayhem: Only 2 of them, Professor Bun?
Torg: Oooooo! We are zombies! Oooo!
Riff: Oooooo! We are zombies! Oooo!

Zo�: I can't believe you hired scientists to raise the dead to be soldiers! I thought the military was made up of brave people. Where is your honor?
General Mayhem: Sorry, Miss. You have to understand, there are basically two divisions in the collective we call "the military." There is the heroic military, as represented in most of you early war movies, and the conspiratorial military (filled with subterfuge and deception), as represented in bad sci-fi films and the X-Files.
Zo�: And you would be from...
General Mayhem: General Mayhem! Pleased ta meetcha!

Anon: General! It's the press! Quick! Hide the specimens!
Qwirky Waltons: General, is it true you have been conducting experiments to raise the dead for military purposes?
General Mayhem: No comment.
Qwirky Waltons: What's under that sheet, General?
Torg: Psst! Look Riff, its a military "cover-up!"
Riff: He doesn't want to make a "blanket" statement! Hehe
Qwirky Waltons: You plan to use the dead in military actions by having the assault the enemy with gut-wrenching puns? This is even more insidious that I thought?
Torg: Hey! Quilt making fun of us!
Riff: Like we give a sheet what you think!

General Mayhem: Here comes the helicopter. Let's get these two onboard quicly. They are due for dissection at 0300.
Torg: Dissection? What the hell? No way!
Riff: Dissection? What the hell? No way!
General Mayhem: Professor Bun! You didn't tell me these zombies could talk and think for themselves! We need soldiers! This experiment is a total failure!
Bun-Bun: So I'm not getting the money?
Anon: Ok General, come with us. You are under military arrest.
General Mayhem: You have no idea who you are dealing with, or what this is about!
Anon: You stole millions from the military and have been paying scientists to try and raise the dead to make super soldiers.
General Mayhem: You think I work alone? There are others! If you want to know the truth you will have to...
Anon: One of your drinking buddies came up with it over a plate of microwaved pizza-rolls, and you thought it was a good idea.
General Mayhem: Doh!
General Mayhem: But look! The experiment worked! There's the zombies!
Anon: You guys zombies?
Torg: Um, no.
Riff: Monday mornings only.
General Mayhem: There's a conspiracy here! I'm telling you!
Anon: Let's just move along.
General Mayhem: The rabbit! He's in this as much as I am!
Anon: A rabbit. Right.
Riff: Well, the weekend's over. Time to go back to work.
Zo�: What about my relaxing weekend!? I'm more stressed than before!
Torg: Don't worry. I'll drive you home. You can get some rest on the way.
Torg: Besides, the military helicopter landed on your car.

Torg: Hey Sam! And who is this?
Sam: This is Kiki, my pet ferret! From the lab, remember?
Kiki: Hiya!
Torg: What happened to the other animals?
Sam: I found a way for them to make me money?
Torg: A bunch of talking escaped lab animals... The talk show circuit? Jerry Springer?
Sam: Not exactly...
Anon 1: I don't want Amway.
Anon 2: Don't say the name right away!
Anon 3: Quick, show him the circle of exponential profit!

Kiki: I'm going to find Bun-Bun! I never thanked him for freeing me from the medical lab!
Torg: um... I don't know ...um...
Sam: Was that gun-fire?
Torg: "I don't know if it is such a good idea to let your ferret play with Bun-Bun, since he is in a really bad mood and cleaning his gun"... That's what I should have said!

Sam: I don't know if it is a good idea for Kiki and Bun-Bun to play.
Torg: Why is that?
Sam: I've heard that ferrets can kill bunnies. I mean, they probably just play with them innocently, but the rabbit can have a heart attack and die.
Kiki: My heart!!!
Bun-Bun: Aw, I'm just playing with you.

Torg: Hey Sam! How's Kiki?
Sam: She's still a bit shell-shocked from hanging with Bun-Bun.
Kiki: Kspltzy!
Torg: How's the Amway stuff going?
Sam: The other animals went "Double Diamond" in a week. They bought a mansion and left me!
Torg: How?
Kiki: Ack!
Sam: They found a brand new market for Amway products. Total virgin territory.
Anon 1: Screw foraging for nuts!
Anon 2: We have enough shampoo and Ho-Hos to last all winter!

Sam: Well, I've been trying to come up with something real special to give Zo� for Christmas.
Sam: You've finished your Christmas shopping right?
Sam: You've started your Christmas shopping right?
Sam: Not the mall! Not at this time of the year! Come back you fool!

Zo�: I can't believe Torg went to the mall this close to Christmas.
Riff: Yeah, Torg is nuts.
Zo�: I always do my shopping mail-order.
Riff: That would explain the package I just got from the "Buckets of Cheese" factory.
Zo�: Cheese makes a better gift than a subscription to Hefty Hooters magazine!
Riff: Hey, I was in a rush.
Riff: And that point is debatable.

Mrs. Claus: Dear, you know that rabbit winds up at the top of the naughty list every year. Is this year so much worse?
Santa Claus: The bunny must be stopped.
Mrs. Claus: Put down the shotgun and have a hot toddy, dear.
Santa Claus: Make it a double, Mrs. Clause. This is a bad one.
Anon 1: I got the last Tickle-Me-Slime-O doll!
Anon 2: That's my son!
Anon 3: Look! A sale!!
Anon 4: You broke my gift!
Anon 5: My gift!
Anon 6: Where's the new dumpy Barbie?
Anon 7: Outta my way!
Anon 8: Attention shoppers, the mall has reached maximum capacity. Please head for the exits in a calm fashion.
Anon 9: Move it ya bum!
Anon 10: You parked on my foot!
Anon 11: That's my spot!
Anon 8: Attention shoppers, oh dear lord! The walls are cracking! Run for the exits! Run!
Anon 12: Aaah!
Anon 13: Help!
Anon 14: Get off me!
Torg: I'm done the freaking Christmas shopping.
Riff: How'd it go?
Torg: The mall exploded, but a few of us made it out alive. I see the Christmas lights are still on outside the house, so I guess you managed to keep Bun-Bun from chewing the wires.
Riff: Yup, he never left my sight! He's right over...
Torg: Uh oh!
Riff: Uh oh!
Torg: You know Riff, I think I'm back in the holiday spirit!

Torg: What do you want for Christmas, Bun-Bun? Alfalfa? A chew toy?
Bun-Bun: Santa's head on a platter.
Bun-Bun: It's a long story that I don't want to get into right now, nerd-boy.
Torg: That's my cute widdle bunny!
Torg: Look! Now you're a normal bunny!
Bun-Bun: I might just settle for your head.

Riff: Hey Torg, what's the worst Christmas present you ever got?
Torg: Don't know. Why, what's thw worst hanukkah present you ever got?
Riff: Last year I got this "#1 Stud" mug. That was pretty crappy.
Torg: What happened to that?
Sam: Look, Kiki! A "#1 Stud" mug from a secret admirer! It must be Zo�!
Kiki: Christmas comes early this year!

Narr: Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the home was a lop setting trip wire that could cut through bone. A tri-mounted rifle was armed by this hare in the hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
Rudolph: Get down there!
Santa Claus: I'm not doing it!

Narr: Despite the barrage of bullets from a gun with auto-trackin' Bun-Bun retreated 'cause Santa was packin'. With a wink and a flip of the bird to the lop he dropped off his gifts, and up the chimney he shot!
Santa Claus: Yes!
Narr: And he went off to reward the good children in bed, but he didn't notice the plastic explosives under his sled.
Bun-Bun: Heh heh heh
Bun-Bun: No explosion?!? Faulty wiring! I hate Christmas miracles!
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Torg: Happy Hanukkah, man!
Riff: Merry Christmas buddy!
Torg: At least we are consistent. A beer every year!
Riff: Actually, I got you hot-sauce this year.
Riff: It's habenaro, your favorite.

Torg: Merry Christmas, Zo�.
Zo�: Torg, that's so sweet!
Zo�: Torg! THis is beautiful! But I thought Buddha statues were chubbier.
Torg: That's the new Barbie.

Kiki: This is so interesting! Humans celebrate the night before the new year with a big party.
Bun-Bun: And some actually celebrate by skinning ferrets for the traditional ferret-jerky!
Kiki: Really?
Bun-Bun: No, I was kidding. Only rabbits do that. Yum.
Kiki: I am outta here!
Gwynn: Hey Zo�, thanks for inviting me to Sam's party. What's wrong? You seem down.
Zo�: I just got a card from a friend I knew in high school. She is already married, owns a house and is going to have a baby. Here I am, doing bad in callege, getting stressed out from work, almost no money, and I don't have anyone special in my life.
Zo�: But hey, a new year is starting, who knows what could happen, right Gwynn?
Gwynn: Yeah, there are plenty of good looking guys here! Let's find you one!
Gwynn: What about that guy? He's cute!
Zo�: Which one?
Gwynn: The cute one!
Zo�: The ferret?
Gwynn: No, the cute one!
Zo�: The rabbit?
Gwynn: The cute guy!
Zo�: I'm not following you.
Gwynn: That guy right there!
Zo�: Sam?!?
Gwynn: Oops, I forgot to put my glasses on. Never mind.
Sam: You called?
Zo�: She said you were cute.
Sam: Well hey...
Gwynn: I meant the ferret.

Bun-Bun: Look, Torg. I just wanted to apologize for all the times I hurt you and stuff. I mean that.
Torg: Have you been drinking?
Riff: ...It was a full bottle of 151 rum, Sam! It couldn't have just vanished!
Bun-Bun: You're my besht friend!

Torg: Bun-Bun passed ou. Had to lay him out on the kitchen table. That rabbit needs to learn to drink combustible fluids responsibly.
Riff: Speaking of which, check out Zo�:!
Torg: She's hammered?
Riff: Yeah, and Sam is taking advantage of it.
Zo�: You and me? Ha ha ha snort hee hee hee
Torg: Poor Sam, kicked in the face again. This must be hurting his pride something fierce!
Sam: She's touching me! Wow!
Zo�: snicker snicker. Hee hee! Oh lordy!

Zo�: I know I, dohn know you, but youarre re-al-ly atragtive.
Torg: I think you've had enough to drink.
Zo�: Yourerer nod like those jergs, Torg and Riffghg!
Anon: 5...4...3...2...1... Happy new year!
Zo�: Habby new beer. *Hic*